Never Ever Bring This Up Again by Kate Garrabrant (ebook reader for laptop .txt) 📖

piece of bagel smothered with butter and jelly in the other. His small clock radio on the counter was set to a station playing light music. Joseph Mcilroy enjoyed all types of music but his favorite genre was jazz. His enormous jazz collection proved his music obsession and when he passed on Joshua would be the new owner.
Not that Joseph was ready to go to the great beyond just yet. At seventy years of age he looked like a man fifteen years younger. Joseph had been the same age Joshua was now when his beloved son came into the word. Joshua had been an accident, but his favorite son even though he would never admit it. Joshua had been conceived from a night of such anger and passion between Joseph and his wife Rebecca. Joseph smiled over that wonderful memory.
Joshua sat down across from his father. “What’s the smile for?”
Joseph took a bite of his bagel. “Just thinking of the night your mother and I made you.”
”Let’s not go there.” Joshua held up both his hand and let out a shudder. Joseph let out a loud a booming laugh and hit his knee.
“Boy, you do make me laugh.”
“Old man, you make me laugh also.” Both father and son shared a smile together.
Their laughter died out and Joshua watched his father finish eating his breakfast. Joseph ate slowly so he could savor his meal. Just another thing Joshua admired about his father. No matter where he was or what he was doing, he would take the time and enjoy a meal placed in front of him.
“Instead of sitting here watching me eat, why don’t you make something for yourself or grab a cup of coffee?”
Joshua sat back in his chair with his hands on his knees. “That’s okay dad. I’m not hungry. Susan put on a pot of coffee before I drove over here.”
“How are Susan and the kids?” Joseph asked as he finished his bagel and took a sip of his coffee.
“They’re great. Typical Saturday morning at casa de Mcilroy ”
Joseph put his mug down and stood. He took his plate over to the sink to clean it. “Something must be up then. Why would you come here when you could be spending the day with your family?’
Joshua rubbed his sweaty palms on his shorts. “Does there have to be a reason to see my father? By the way, Susan and I want to invite you over to a barbeque next weekend.” Joshua rubbed away at the sweat on his forehead. His father wasn’t a fan of air conditioning, and even though the house tended to be cool enough in the summer, today was just way too hot for it not to be on.
Joseph didn’t seem to mind the heat and looked comfortable in his own white t-shirt, black shorts and bare feet.
“Sure. I would love to see my grandsons and my daughter-in-law who is one hell of a cook. She can’t hold a flame to your mother who was one of the best cooks I ever met. She sure knew her way around the kitchen.”
“Dad, about that… can we sit where it’s cooler? I’m dying here.”
Joseph placed his plate in the dishwasher and grabbed the newspaper lying on the counter. “Let’s go sit out on the front porch. The shade is great there and I won’t have to hear you complain. Your generation has it so easy. Back when I was growing up-”.
“Yeah dad, I know.” Joshua stood and stretched.
Joseph gave his son a disgruntled look. “You always had a bad habit of interrupting others. Do you know that?”
Joshua rolled his eyes and followed his father who walked out of the kitchen and to the front of the house. Joseph didn’t wait for him to follow and left the front door open. Joshua walked out. His father sat comfortably in a chair placed in the corner. Joshua sat across from him with his back to the street. Joshua had a fond memory of his mother who liked to knit out here. After dinner his mom and dad would sit out here. He and his brothers were always busy doing their own thing such as homework or some late night activity that they never sat with their parents. For a moment Joshua felt remorseful he never did join them.
Joseph used the newspaper as a fan even though it felt a bit cooler outside. In a few hours the brutal sun would be high in the sky. For the moment both father and son felt satisfied.
“What’s the deal Josh?” Joseph asked without preamble.
Joshua turned to the side and watched a squirrel climb up a nearby tree. “This morning I woke up and decided I hated my life. I didn’t want to be married or bothered with any children. I wanted to just lie in bed someplace where it was cool and not deal with any responsibilities.”
Joseph stopped fanning himself with the paper and squinted his eyes as he looked at his son. “Where the hell is this coming from?”
Joshua shrugged. “I don’t know. Lately I have been feeling… depressed, unfulfilled. As I lay in bed this morning and heard my family downstairs I felt detached. Then I began to think about mom.”
“What about your mother?”
Joshua ignored the defensive tone in his father’s voice. “You know dad. The night mom died. I know you don’t like to talk about it with the twins and me but it has been over ten years. I can’t help but wonder if the way I’m feeling is the way mom felt.”
Joseph wiped at his forehead with the back of his hand and let out a loud breath. “Ten years isn’t long enough. Hell, fifty years will never be enough. I guess I can’t blame you for asking. It’s not like you are some young kid after all. And if you have what your mother- no, I’m not going there.”
“Dad-”.
Joseph held up his hand. “Listen. I will say my piece about your mother but after today we will never, ever bring this up again. Sometimes things are better left quiet or not meant to be understood. The only reason I’m talking to you now about this is because of these feelings you have. Do you understand me?”
Joshua slumped down in his chair. “Sure dad.”
Joseph nodded. “Good. I’m not going to rehash history because you know most of it, but the first time I saw your mother I knew she was the one and only for me. I was this scrawny fourteen-year-old about to enter my first year of high school. Your mother moved in across the street much like a day like today. It was hotter than heck. When I walked out of my house to go play some ball, I looked across the street and saw your mother with her hair pigtails and wearing a white summer dress. I fell head over heels in love. We became friends. And from that our love grew and one thing led to another and we married. Well, your mother and I left some things out.”
Joshua frowned. “What things dad?”
Joseph looked off into the distance, lost in his memories. “The love I have for your mother is deep and beautiful. It warms me. I adored that woman, so much so that I would have done anything for her. She cared for me but not the way I cared for her. We had always been very good friends but she didn’t feel the same way I felt for her. She liked to be alone, where she would be lost in her own world. I used to get so jealous because I wanted to be her whole world. She became quiet and sullen at times where no one could reach her. She went through some very hard times because she felt so miserable and I… I was one of the reasons for it. When she went off to college she met another man… things didn’t turn out so well in the end and she became a bit ruined because of it. But I was there to pick up the pieces, the one to take her back and cherish her. The ideal solution was for us to get married, which we did. And for almost twenty fives years we had many ups and down. Our greatest joy was the birth of you boys. Rebecca never looked happier when she took care of you. My thrill was seeing her happy. But at certain times, when she would look at me, the light in her eyes dimmed a bit. I was never the man she wanted to be with. Her heart always belonged to that man who broke her heart in college. There are some things I have done that I am not proud of. One of them is knowing I had your mother and she was mine and no one could take her from me. I was greedy and jealous and wanted all her love. I would only share her love with our children and myself. And because I had it, I thought I won. The sad thing of the matter was that your mother could take it all away from me. And she did that night she hung herself in the bathroom.”
Joshua sat in silent shock as he watched his father sob. He’d seen him cry only once in his life and that was at his mother’s funeral. Joshua reached out his hand to comfort the old man but Joseph knocked it away,
“I’m good. None of that now.” Joseph wiped away at his eyes and sighed. He sat there in the summer shade looking at nothing in particular.
Joshua licked his lips. “Dad… I never. Jesus.” He bent forward and placed his arms on his knees and stared at the chipped wood floor of the porch. Sweat poured down his back. He didn’t care.
“I never thought to run away from my life, even as I figured it all out about your mother. It almost destroyed me knowing every time I held her in my arms she longed for another. But I was so grateful because I had one small piece of her. You on the other hand have so much more. Susan loves you as a woman should love her man. Can you say you feel the same way about her?”
“Yes.” Joshua said in a strong voice and looked back up at his father.
Joseph nodded at his son. “Good. I believe you. Anytime you’re thinking such horrible thoughts, think back to this conversation we had about your mother and I.”
“I will Pop. I will.” This time Joseph allowed his son to place a hand on his shoulder. Father and son sat on the porch a little while longer until the heat became too intense and then they moved inside. Joseph turned on the air conditioner because it had become too hot for even him.


Joshua drove home with the windows down and the radio blasting. After sitting in his father’s house for a few