Something New by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (rom com books to read .TXT) 📖
- Author: Pelham Grenville Wodehouse
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"Don't Often See Your Lordship In The Club," He Opened Chattily.
Chapter 3 Pg 23
It Was Business To Know The Tastes And Dispositions Of All The
Five Thousand Or So Members Of The Senior Conservative Club And
To Suit His Demeanor To Them. To Some He Would Hand The Bill Of
Fare Swiftly, Silently, Almost Brusquely, As One Who Realizes
That There Are Moments In Life Too Serious For Talk. Others, He
Knew, Liked Conversation; And To Those He Introduced The Subject
Of Food Almost As A Sub-Motive.
Lord Emsworth, Having Examined The Bill Of Fare With A Mild
Curiosity, Laid It Down And Became Conversational.
"No, Adams; I Seldom Visit London Nowadays. London Does Not
Attract Me. The Country--The Fields--The Woods--The Birds----"
Something Across The Room Seemed To Attract His Attention And His
Voice Trailed Off. He Inspected This For Some Time With Bland
Interest, Then Turned To Adams Once More.
"What Was I Saying, Adams?"
"The Birds, Your Lordship."
"Birds! What Birds? What About Birds?"
"You Were Speaking Of The Attractions Of Life In The Country,
Your Lordship. You Included The Birds In Your Remarks."
"Oh, Yes, Yes, Yes! Oh, Yes, Yes! Oh, Yes--To Be Sure. Do You
Ever Go To The Country, Adams?"
"Generally To The Seashore, Your Lordship--When I Take My Annual
Vacation."
Whatever Was The Attraction Across The Room Once More Exercised
Its Spell. His Lordship Concentrated Himself On It To The
Exclusion Of All Other Mundane Matters. Presently He Came Out Of
His Trance Again.
"What Were You Saying, Adams?"
"I Said That I Generally Went To The Seashore, Your Lordship."
"Eh? When?"
"For My Annual Vacation, Your Lordship."
"Your What?"
"My Annual Vacation, Your Lordship."
"What About It?"
Adams Never Smiled During Business Hours--Unless Professionally,
Chapter 3 Pg 24As It Were, When A Member Made A Joke; But He Was Storing Up In
The Recesses Of His Highly Respectable Body A Large Laugh, To Be
Shared With His Wife When He Reached Home That Night. Mrs. Adams
Never Wearied Of Hearing Of The Eccentricities Of The Members Of
The Club. It Occurred To Adams That He Was In Luck To-Day. He Was
Expecting A Little Party Of Friends To Supper That Night, And He
Was A Man Who Loved An Audience.
You Would Never Have Thought It, To Look At Him When Engaged In
His Professional Duties, But Adams Had Built Up A Substantial
Reputation As A Humorist In His Circle By His Imitations Of
Certain Members Of The Club; And It Was A Matter Of Regret To Him
That He Got So Few Opportunities Nowadays Of Studying The
Absent-Minded Lord Emsworth. It Was Rare Luck--His Lordship
Coming In To-Day, Evidently In His Best Form.
"Adams, Who Is The Gentleman Over By The Window--The Gentleman In
The Brown Suit?"
"That Is Mr. Simmonds, Your Lordship. He Joined Us Last Year."
"I Never Saw A Man Take Such Large Mouthfuls. Did You Ever See A
Man Take Such Large Mouthfuls, Adams?"
Adams Refrained From Expressing An Opinion, But Inwardly He Was
Thrilling With Artistic Fervor. Mr. Simmonds Eating, Was One Of
His Best Imitations, Though Mrs. Adams Was Inclined To Object To
It On The Score That It Was A Bad Example For The Children. To Be
Privileged To Witness Lord Emsworth Watching And Criticizing Mr.
Simmonds Was To Collect Material For A Double-Barreled Character
Study That Would Assuredly Make The Hit Of The Evening.
"That Man," Went On Lord Emsworth, "Is Digging His Grave With His
Teeth. Digging His Grave With His Teeth, Adams! Do You Take Large
Mouthfuls, Adams?"
"No, Your Lordship."
"Quite Right. Very Sensible Of You, Adams--Very Sensible Of You.
Very Sen---- What Was I Saying, Adams?"
"About My Not Taking Large Mouthfuls, Your Lordship."
"Quite Right--Quite Right! Never Take Large Mouthfuls, Adams.
Never Gobble. Have You Any Children, Adams?"
"Two, Your Lordship."
"I Hope You Teach Them Not To Gobble. They Pay For It In Later
Life. Americans Gobble When Young And Ruin Their Digestions. My
American Friend, Mr. Peters, Suffers Terribly From Indigestion."
Adams Lowered His Voice To A Confidential Murmur: "If You Will
Pardon The Liberty, Your Lordship--I Saw It In The Paper--"
Chapter 3 Pg 26
"About Mr. Peters' Indigestion?"
"About Miss Peters, Your Lordship, And The Honorable Frederick.
May I Be Permitted To Offer My Congratulations?"
"Eh, Oh, Yes--The Engagement. Yes, Yes, Yes! Yes--To Be Sure.
Yes; Very Satisfactory In Every Respect. High Time He Settled
Down And Got A Little Sense. I Put It To Him Straight. I Cut Off
His Allowance And Made Him Stay At Home. That Made Him
Think--Lazy Young Devil!"
Lord Emsworth Had His Lucid Moments; And In The One That Occurred
Now It Came Home To Him That He Was Not Talking To Himself, As He
Had Imagined, But Confiding Intimate Family Secrets To The Head
Steward Of His Club's Dining-Room. He Checked Himself Abruptly,
And With A Slight Decrease Of Amiability Fixed His Gaze On The
Bill Of Fare And Ordered Cold Beef. For An Instant He Felt
Resentful Against Adams For Luring Him On To Soliloquize; But The
Next Moment His Whole Mind Was Gripped By The Fascinating
Spectacle Of Mr. Simmonds Dealing With A Wedge Of Stilton Cheese,
And Adams Was Forgotten.
The Cold Beef Had The Effect Of Restoring His Lordship To
Complete Amiability, And When Adams In The Course Of His
Wanderings Again Found Himself At The Table He Was Once More
Disposed For Light Conversation.
"So You Saw The News Of The Engagement In The Paper, Did You,
Adams?"
"Yes, Your Lordship, In The Mail. It Had Quite A Long Piece About
It. And The Honorable Frederick's Photograph And The Young Lady's
Were In The Mirror. Mrs. Adams Clipped Them Out And Put Them In
An Album, Knowing That Your Lordship Was A Member Of Ours. If I
May Say So, Your Lordship--A Beautiful Young Lady."
"Devilish Attractive, Adams--And Devilish Rich. Mr. Peters Is A
Millionaire, Adams."
"So I Read In The Paper, Your Lordship."
"Damme! They All Seem To Be Millionaires In America. Wish I Knew
How They Managed It. Honestly, I Hope. Mr. Peters Is An Honest
Man, But His Digestion Is Bad. He Used To Bolt His Food. You
Don't Bolt Your Food, I Hope, Adams?"
"No, Your Lordship; I Am Most Careful."
"The Late Mr. Gladstone Used To Chew Each Mouthful Thirty-Three
Times. Deuced Good Notion If You Aren't In A Hurry. What Cheese
Would You Recommend, Adams?"
"The Gentlemen Are Speaking Well Of The Gorgonzola."
Chapter 3 Pg 27
"All Right, Bring Me Some. You Know, Adams, What I Admire About
Americans Is Their Resource. Mr. Peters Tells Me That As A Boy Of
Eleven He Earned Twenty Dollars A Week Selling Mint To Saloon
Keepers, As They Call Publicans Over There. Why They Wanted Mint
I Cannot Recollect. Mr. Peters Explained The Reason To Me And It
Seemed Highly Plausible At The Time; But I Have Forgotten It.
Possibly For Mint Sauce. It Impressed Me, Adams. Twenty Dollars
Is Four Pounds. I Never Earned Four Pounds A Week When I Was A
Boy Of Eleven; In Fact, I Don't Think I Ever Earned Four Pounds A
Week. His Story Impressed Me, Adams. Every Man Ought To Have An
Earning Capacity. I Was So Struck With What He Told Me That I
Began To Paint."
"Landscapes, Your Lordship?"
"Furniture. It Is Unlikely That I Shall Ever Be Compelled To
Paint Furniture For A Living, But It Is A Consolation To Me To
Feel That I Could Do So If Called On. There Is A Fascination
About Painting Furniture, Adams. I Have Painted The Whole Of My
Bedroom At Blandings And Am Now Engaged On The Museum. You Would
Be Surprised At The Fascination Of It. It Suddenly Came Back To
Me The Other Day That I Had Been Inwardly Longing To Mess About
With Paints And Things Since I Was A Boy. They Stopped Me When I
Was A Boy. I Recollect My Old Father Beating Me With A Walking
Stick--Tell Me, Adams, Have I Eaten My Cheese?"
"Not Yet, Your Lordship. I Was About To Send The Waiter For It."
"Never Mind. Tell Him To Bring The Bill Instead. I Remember That
I Have An Appointment. I Must Not Be Late."
"Shall I Take The Fork, Your Lordship?"
"The Fork?"
"Your Lordship Has Inadvertently Put A Fork In Your Coat Pocket."
Lord Emsworth Felt In The Pocket Indicated, And With The Air Of
An Inexpert Conjurer Whose Trick Has Succeeded Contrary To His
Expectations Produced A Silver-Plated Fork. He Regarded It With
Surprise; Then He Looked Wonderingly At Adams.
"Adams, I'm Getting Absent-Minded. Have You Ever Noticed Any
Traces Of Absent-Mindedness In Me Before?"
"Oh, No, Your Lordship."
"Well, It's Deuced Peculiar! I Have No Recollection Whatsoever Of
Placing That Fork In My Pocket . . . Adams, I Want A Taxicab." He
Glanced Round The Room, As Though Expecting To Locate One By The
Fireplace.
"The Hall Porter Will Whistle One For You, Your Lordship."
Chapter 3 Pg 28
"So He Will, By George!--So He Will! Good Day, Adams."
"Good Day, Your Lordship."
The Earl Of Emsworth Ambled Benevolently To The Door, Leaving
Adams
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