Football NOT Soccer by Paul Curtis (uplifting novels TXT) 📖

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VIMTO TANGO

Placebo, Subuteo, and Scenario
Portfolio, Pinocchio or Fellatio
Are these words from everyday?
Or footballer's from Brazilia way

IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME SAINT

The crowd at Woking’s ground
Loudly jeers and mocks
They call the striker jigsaw
As he goes to pieces in the box


EURO TRASH

After another dismal round of European qualifiers
I think its time for a change
There are too may countries now
So I propose something radical
Norway and Sweden should merge
To become Swedway or Norden
Spain and Portugal could become
Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal
Denmark and Finland would be Finmark
Belgium and Holland would become Belland
Germany and Austria would either be
Gerstria or the fourth reich
The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia
Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey
The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course
And the home nations could combine to become England

World Cup 1966

1966

Crossed from the wing
By Alan Ball
He picks out Hurst
Who’s standing tall
He takes control
A turn and shot
Its hit the bar
Was it in or not?
It crashes down
Onto the line
Has it crossed?
It must this time
It’s not a goal
The Germans say
Where’s the ref
He’s gone away
He even asks
The linesman too
He nods his head
England three - two
I have regrets
About that day
We did not win fare
The Germans say
Nearly forty
Years of doubt
Was the ball in?
Or was the ball out
But if Hunt had only
Knocked it in
We would not have
All the arguing


WINGLESS WONDERS


Wingless wonders they were named
As world cup winners they are famed
Gordon Banks, played in the goal
For Bobby Moore, the captains role
Cohen and Wilson at the back
The Charlton brothers, Bob and Jack
Martin Peters and Alan Ball
Nobby Stiles stood ten feet tall
Roger Hunt scores when he can
And Geoff Hurst the hat trick man
Sir Alf Ramsey teamed them up
And in 66 they won the cup

World Cup 1986

HAND OF GOD

It was in Mexico in nineteen eighty six
When English hearts sank to the floor
When England were to meet Argentina
In the world cup quarterfinal draw

On that infamous night it occurred
The event that made the spectators roar
Diego Maradonna their great player
Had to use his hand to help them score

The English players protested in vain
That Maradonna had used his hand
Amazingly the referee gave the goal
Something that I still don’t understand

There was much discussion with the pundits
The video replay confirmed the cheating
Ironically his second goal was brilliant
And sealed the result of our defeating

Maradonna used a hand to help him score
But Diego claimed it was the hand of god
Argentina believe he is a national hero
The English all know he’s a cheating sod

MARADONNA

“A genius footballer” bloody cheek
He looks more like a circus freak
He’s nothing more than a Latin cheat
Who’s certainly had too much to eat

World Cup 2002

AU REVOIR - LA COUPE DE MONDE

They travel east
With Gaelic pride
No where to run
Nowhere to hide
Its said pride comes
Before a fall
They fell from high
Against Senegal
The next game a win
Or wonder why
A draw this time
With Uruguay
The final game
They have to win
Their cup defense
Must now begin
Will they play
Them off the park
They lose again
Against Denmark
So France crash out
And exit early
Perhaps they’ll miss
The hurly burly
No broken hearts
They leave behind
Were glad they’re gone
To be unkind
So what’s the reason
France are out
We demand to know
The Frenchies shout
The answer is in
My firm belief
They should have eaten
British Beef


PRIDE IN THE EAST

Travelling east to play the game
Not thought to set the world aflame
Making friends while you’re away
Impressing with your football play
Pleasing critics with what they see
Though they call you England B
Well done the noble men in green
With Holland, Dunn and Robbie Keane
You’ve really done your country proud
Let them proudly sing your names aloud


TOP DOGS

Korea have had a great world cup
They’ve beaten Italy with a golden goal
How will they celebrate the victory?
They’ll be eating dog tonight in Seoul


THE PRIDE OF ENGLAND

Everyone full of national pride
The atmosphere was electrified
St George’s cross’s everywhere
As our Englishness we’d share
They didn’t win the cup out east
While serving up a football feast
They won new friends out there
And hearts of people everywhere
Bringing new pride to the nation
And deserving of our admiration


FOUR YEARS TIME

They said we’d never make the trip
Along came Sven to steer the ship
Injury time deep we win a free kick
Golden balls scores with the final kick

The group of death they put us in
They said that not a game you’ll win
Well we reached the quarterfinal
Losing to Brazilian’s inspirational

We will be back in four years time
To great new heights we will climb
Our place at the top we will regain
And we will win the world cup again


HERR BECKENBAUR

Oliver Khan was the man of the hour
If you talk to Mr. Beckenbaur
But its different it would seem
When he’s talking of the German team
Because if you put them in a sack
And gave the sack a mighty whack
Whoever it was received the blow
Would in no doubt deserve it so

World Cup 2006

JOBS FOR THE BOYS

Horacio Elizondo is ref for the final
His obvious Reward
For a flawless performance
Helping Portugal go forward

NICE ONE HENRY

FIFA are on a mission
Racism in the game they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his disgrace
After a shoulder to the chest
Went down holding his face


ZZ TOP

Zidane in Germany in 2006
Was given the golden ball
Voted the tournaments best player
The most outstanding of them all
A great reward for his foul conduct
Viciously head butting a rival
And before a global audience
Sent off in the world cup final
Was this the act of a great player?
Or of a thug that the world abhors
Was his behavior out of character?
Or has he now shown his true colors


FOREIGN JOHNNY’S ON THE SPOT

When they show there skills they earn our respect
After scoring they celebrate and genuflect
They have great skill which we respect
But their cheating is what we’ve come to expect

World Cup 2010

FAIR PLAY DIAGO - SOUTH AFRICA 2010

At the world cup
Maradona has called for fair play
And he wants referees
To understand the meaning he says
He could perhaps give FIFA
An example of fair play
Like not punching the ball into the net
That would be one way

DON CAPELLO

Don Capello spoke of the “Big Mistake”
And a big performance is his wish
But sadly the outspoken John Terry
Will tonight be sleeping with the fish


SINGING THE BLUES

They sing the homesick blues
“We miss our families”
These pampered prima donnas
Living in 5 star luxury

In Afghanistan they are home sick
They miss their families
The soldiers living in tents
Under fire from the enemy

They sing the we’re bored blues
“There‘s like nothing to do”
Like a bunch of seven year olds
Not men of over 22

We are so bored with these players
And their incessant whining
Waited on hand and foot
Living it up on 5 star dinning

They sing the we’re tired blues
Like we have any sympathy
Only having to play once a week
Then after training they are free

We’re tired waiting for our heroes
When eleven strangers appear
Where are the premiership stars?
Who play weekly without fear

We sing the England blues
As each tournament comes around
When each and every time
Our dreams lie tattered on the ground

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I never expected us to win the cup
That was always inconceivable
But if we played to our potential
The Quarter finals were achievable

But when the first ball was kicked
They were more nightmare than dream
So I just wanted them to do their best
Clearly too much to ask of our team

POINTING THE FINGER

We were predictable, disorganized and poor
Our ineptitude was there for all to see
But as much as the players failed to turn up
And performed disappointingly
We were tactically bereft as well
Because Fabio Capello has no plan B

THEY’RE HAVING A LAUGH

Cole and King were seen
Laughing hysterically
Just a few hours
After defeat to Germany

I saw no humour
In the way England plays
In fact I haven’t laughed
For the past two days


A SWIFT EXIT

England left for the airport
On the wrong bus, apparently
For emblazoned on its side was
“Playing with pride and glory”
England’s bus was possibly stolen
You will recognise it quite easily
For emblazoned on its side is
“Playing with sloth and lethargy”

WELL MY LORD, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0,

Did you think Lord Triesman mad, for saying?
That referees might me bribed by Spain
If so, did watching the sending off of Costa
Give you any doubt and make you think again

CAPDEVILA, SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0,