Ted the Toaster by Mitch Nolan (most difficult books to read TXT) 📖

Ted was a peculiar man, he didn't have a lot of friends, but the friends that he did have were very close to him. Josh the Jelly donut was one of his best friends. Josh had always been there for Ted, like that one time in band camp whe...
Josh wasn't Teds only friend, his other friend is Carol the Candle. Ted met Carol on his way to the bread shop, that day Carol has been on fire and some wax dropped onto his extension chord and had melted him to the ground.
Ted awoke in a daze, his mouth was dry and his right arm was numb, like you know when you sleep on your right arm and it gets all numb, then your like, dammit now I need to wait for it to get better before I can do anything. Finally Ted came to his senses to find that his bed was in the middle of the ocean, the Pacific to be specific.
Ted only had one weakness in the world, that was water, every since Ted was a little toaster he had always been allergic to water. His mother told him he was a normal toaster but all the other toasters still made fun of him.
Ted had realized very quickly he needed to get off of the water and onto dry land. Ted had looked all over and there was no land in sight, but there was one thing he saw that was quite peculiar. Up in the sky there was a faint light probably about a couple hundred miles away, and it was slowly getting bigger.
This made Ted nervous, he knew that that light was the only thing he could look forward to, so he waited patiently.
About an hour passed and the distant light seemed to have grown 5 times in size and this is when Ted realized. It was a meteor! With any luck the splash of the meteor would be enough force to push him to land. But this also made Ted nervous. What if the meteor flipped the bed with me in it, or the meteor hit the bed itself, before he had a chance to say pickled potato skins the meteor struck the water right next to him. But it was strange, there was no impact, no waves, no explosion. Ted uncovered his eyes to observe the thing that had just crashed next to him at several thousand miles per hour. His eyes unblurred to find it was a UFO of sorts. The hatch on the top had opened up and out came Josh and Carol. Ted was so relieved to see his friends.
"What are you guys doing driving a UFO?" said Ted.
"Who cares, why must we explain our self its not like anyone named Anna is reading this or anything..." Josh replied
"Fair enough"
Ted hopped in the UFO and the 3 flew off at an alarming rate. After 20 seconds he found himself in a city, very populated with a lot of colorful lights.
"Here we are LA" exclaimed Carol.
"Why are we in LA Carol?" questioned Ted
"To GAMBLE"
And so the three went off and had the time of their lives, but maybe drank a bit too much and passed out in the middle of the casino floor. And nobody ever questioned the fact that a toaster, a candle, and a jelly donut were gambling.
Ted had woken up to find a giant man in a black suit, black tie and black fedora. He called himself Elwood. And apparently he was one of the blues brothers, the other one being Jake Blues.
"Alright Ted, I know you took the diamonds"
"What are you talking about?"
"I have proof of you taking my diamonds, defiling my dog, sexually harassing my sister, peeing in our pool, walking across the..."
Ted was having a hard time focusing on everything that was happening, he thought that he would be in serious trouble but strangely he felt no emotions.
"...With a big bowl of applesauce. What do you have to say for yourself Ted?"
"Oops?"
"Wrong answer." Elwood then pulled a lever and Ted fell down a trapdoor, how cliche.
As Ted was falling he thought about his friends and what had happened to them, he then thought about something else. "hmm I wonder what flavor Josh is, would it be cannibalism if I ate Josh?" so many questions were running through his head. Then he suddenly landed in a pool of Sunny D.
"This I like" said Ted.
Ted swam to the nearest edge and found himself in a giant world of candy canes, chocolate bunnies, and caramel walkways. He picked up a cute little chocolate bunny that was hopping around and ate a big chunk out of it. The bunny squeaked and the big chunk has suddenly grown back.
Ted couldn't have been happier but he realized something was strange about this place. That is when Ted saw the problem. Everything was...
"It can't be true!, there is no way."
Unfortunately it was true, and there was no denying it, all the candy in this world was...
was...
SUGARFREE!
"This truly was a nightmare, Ted had to get out and get out FAST."
Ted frantically looking for an exit of some sort, finally he stumbled upon a small chocolate door. Ted ran as fast as his little stumps would let him, he was about 5 feet from freedom (which is quite a bit for a toaster). Just as he could see his freedom A large man in a plaid vest, a purple top hat and a pimp cane stepped in his way before he could have a chance to get through the door.
"Why are you leaving so soon little toaster?" said the strange man.
"This place is full of sugarfree candy, what kind of madman does this!"
"I do little toaster, you see when I was little my parents fed me all the candy I could have ever dreamed for, it was the best of any situation, but one fateful day my teeth started to ache and my stomach hurt every day, so I went to the dentist, and that's when I decided I would be a dentist."
"Not on my watch!" Ted then pulled out a stapler and shot a few of them at his feet.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW!! STAPLES ARE MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!" the strange man then had melted into a pool of sugarfree cotton candy.
"A staple a day
*Puts on sunglasses*
keeps the dentist away."
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ted ran through the door and had found himself waking up on his bed, in his home.
"Oh... it was just a dream, phew im glad this isn't a book or a lot of people would be disappointed....Wait is this cotton candy?"

Publication Date: 11-22-2011

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