Beautiful Darkness by Maurice Mitchell (literature books to read TXT) 📖

with me, or ask the boss Ike to put one of my joints out. I wanted to prove myself, but had no idea how, especially when dudes weren’t willing to listen. They were only doing what came to them naturally, and so was I, rebelling. As time went on I was usually just in the studio sitting around and it became painfully obvious that J.D called me to New York for absolutely no reason. I didn’t know what his intentions were, but I couldn’t see how this could possibly have been a well thought out plan on his part. Being around a bunch of dudes I didn’t know every night made me a little uneasy. I felt like I had to always be on guard. Most of them were cool, but it’s always a few that have to show their a** on occasion. I used to get dirty looks from a couple of them and I knew they felt some type of way about me being around. I saw a lot of backstabbing and little snake stuff take place and I began to realize that the industry was the home for that. I saw a lot of guys come and go and I saw the type of things that took place behind everybody’s back. They talk about and wish harm upon everybody, nobody’s safe, not even the established. Even Ike and Jay with all they’ve accomplished got a brunt of the bad talk. In Ike’s case it was obvious why, he wasn’t an easy man to like. He was known for building an empire and being huge at one point, and though he may have lost money and his stature, he never lost his attitude. Every time he came around he treated me like I was plotting to rob him, like I was there for a hand out. I think I might have been introduced to the man like five times, hilarious. Jay was a big time at one point as well, but he seemed cool though. Though he sold so many records in his time he was humble, I can tell he’d been through some things. The more time I spent in the studio the more things I saw. One thing was true, I learned a hell of a lot more about life and about the actually music industry then I did about music. I was once again in an environment where I felt everything was fake and I couldn’t figure out how to cope. In environments like these you make one mistake and it could be you’re last. I remember one kid brought his friends to the studio and one of them decided to steal. I saw this kid get beat until his face swelled up to be twice as big as its normal size. He looked like Martin in the Tommy Hearns episode. They beat the hell out of him and he was defenseless. One thing became certain, I needed a click, and I needed one fast. I would never be alone without a weapon in anybody’s studio again, just a precaution. It was around this time that I reunited with Lamar. It had been about eight or nine years since we last saw each other. It was almost like I never left though. Around this time he was working on music himself, so I brought him around the studio. After brining him I began to question his motives. I let it go though, I figured I was looking too much into it. Besides it was good to not have to sit around by myself all the time, and to have somebody to go with me. With him around I actually started getting joints done and dudes began to pay attention. Something was wrong though, he was going too hard. I wasn’t so sure if he was there to back me up, or to put himself on. As time went on it became harder and harder to tell. It started to feel like he had his own motives and I could sense a change. That was my man since sixth grade though, couldn’t be, so I let it go again. Hanging around Lamar I started to feel my old self coming back. I started to pick up on some of my old habits. Between being in the studio and being around him I was around a lot of negativity again. A lot of Lamar’s people were hustling and the thought of it was extremely appealing. I mean I had a degree and the economy was so finished it didn’t matter, I couldn’t get a decent job to save my life. All these dudes had no college education, but they had money, blowing thousands in clubs and on clothes. I’m struggling to pay for a degree, which ironically is struggling to help me get a job. A couple thousand a week off drug money could help, but I stayed focus. I kept going to the studio, making music and I kept my eye on Lamar in the mean time.

While I was busy trying to become a star in the streets, my love for life was taking a serious blow. The last time I spoke to Candy we had an argument on the phone, and she hung up on me. I was going through a time where I felt sick and my body began to feel weak. It became apparent I needed something, I just didn’t know what. After that argument with Candy she hung up on me and set her phone up to where it would go to voicemail every time I called. She would never answer again, and eventually I stopped calling. That was it, the only girl I’d ever loved was officially out my life and I was left to begin a search to replace an irreplaceable person. It seems like from that point on it was just one girl after another. They came and they went, and there was quite a few. I never saw myself as a player though, simply because I never made a woman feel we had something more then what we did. I respect woman a lot more then the average man does, and I tried to make that obvious. I was searching for a monogamous relationship, but it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for me. With every woman I met, there seemed to be one problem after another. Tamia ended up being a liar who was dealing with other men. Latoya ended up being a liar who was currently in an abusive relationship that she didn’t want to leave. Angelina, Carla, and Cristina were all young and more interested in running around then being involved. Daniela turned out to be a stripper, Janet fell in love with another man while I was on a business trip, and Eva was married to a physco who she had a child with. I couldn’t win, and the list goes on, but you get the point. When Candy left she took my heart with her, I couldn’t trust any of these woman and I felt like I had all the reasons in the world not too. Maybe some of it was me, I honestly don’t know, the one thing I do know is my gut told me that neither of them would last and it was right every time. I decided that love just wasn’t in the book for me and I would no longer search to find it. I didn’t believe in it, I didn’t believe it exists and I didn’t want to focus on it, I had other problems to deal with. While I was busy meeting girl after girl looking for companionship, I was also struggling to find peace at home.

Through all that time I developed a bond with my Grandmother that was like no other. She was the only thing that kept me sane through a lot of those times. We had many of long talks and she had a way of making me feel at home and making me feel safe. My Grandma loved me more then anything and it was obvious, she introduced me to unconditional love. Seem like no matter what I did she would love me the same and never hold anything against me. With all the people who’d turned on me and with all the pain I’d felt, that time with my Grandmother was well needed. I needed her more then she’ll ever know, and she came through, and then some. She understood me, she got me, and for that I will forever be grateful. Unfortunately like everything else I’d experienced in my life, where there was good, I knew bad wasn’t to far behind. My Grandmother was in love with a man who would constantly try to destroy that love I had for her. This man was an jerk, I cant think of a better way to describe him. In my eyes he was disrespectful, rude, uneducated and miserable. He was an older, tall and brown skinned slim guy who I had no idea he would be coming around. It seemed that my entire family knew but never actually took the time to point it out to me. When he first started coming around I was surprised, but never imagined that there would be a problem. After all he didn’t live there and only came for a few hours a week so what harm could that cause? Turns out that man was jealous and extremely bitter. Another case of an old miserable man wanting everything and everyone around him to be miserable too. See his problem was he was used to having my Grandmother to himself, he was used to being the only man that mattered. That was no longer the case, he had to make room. My problem was every time we would have a conflict, I took it personal. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that a grown man his age could actually be jealous or envious of a woman’s Grandson. It didn’t seem possible to me, jealousy is a female trait and to be jealous of a woman’s Grandson was just unheard of. So every time we got into it, I took it as he had a personal problem with me, not that he was just a jealous and miserable individual. It took years and a countless amount of fights to figure that one out. In the first incident I simply and politely asked the man not to drink all of the soda I intended to share with my guest for an event we were having that night. This man lashed out and begin threatening and cursing at me as if I just slapped his mother. I was caught off guard and threw a few words back in self defense and next thing I know I was being invited outside. Part of me was thinking what a fight between us could do to my Grandmother, but the other part was thinking whoop his a**. See I’d been punished and abused by a bitter and miserable man before and was starting to get dejavu. The words that were coming out of his mouth and the expressions on his face reminded me of the shattered moments I shared with my father. The only difference was this time around I was grown, not scared, and more then able and willing to defend myself. I’d seen this movie before, and I’d be damned if I let it end the same way the first one did. After the abuse I suffered with my father I promised myself no man in this world would ever put his hands on me again and get away with it. No man would ever threaten me, harm me or make me feel the type of pain my Father did. This man was trying to do that, and it wasn’t going to happen, I didn’t give a damn who he was.