Kevin's Story by Kevin S (online e reader .txt) 📖

instead of the differences. I heard people telling how they had been feeling as bad as I did. And by quitting drinking and doing the steps they now had lives worth living.
Well I wanted some of that; I wanted to feel that life might be worth the effort. These people were smiling and laughing, what did they know that I didn’t. Because, at the time I did not want to live. I was giving this living crap one more try, because my daughter still wanted me to be her daddy. So these people knew something I didn’t, and I believe knowledge is power.
These people had more power than I did, that made them a power greater than me, and for the most part they seemed some what sane. Maybe they could restore me to sanity. You only have to hit me with a brick a few times before I get the message. I should listen and follow their advice; these crazy people seemed to care about each other. They didn’t ask you to earn their love and care. And that was a completely new idea, up until now I felt I had to earn everything, anyone “gave” me.
So I took the second step.

Step 3 Made the decision to turn or will and our lives over to God as we understood him.
Another hard step for me at first. God I didn’t understand at all. Just a couple of months ago I took my last breath. Everyone said I should not be alive, and I agreed. So why was I still alive, I had been stabbed in the chest thirteen times, I shouldn’t be. People kept telling me God had a plan for me, my will to live was stronger than my pain. There must be a reason God kept you alive. I just kept telling them, okay, maybe. I had no idea, and still don’t.
I settled the issue in my mind by giving up, trying to answer the question.
I decided to just go with the flow, and try and not worry if there was a greater plan for me. I decided to just keep trying to do the next right thing. And the next right thing can be all most anything. Early on it was getting up cleaning my self up, and doing what ever I was supposed to do. In treatment it meant going to groups and really trying to participate. To be honest with
the group and especially myself. It meant to go to meetings and really trying to share. It meant gong to my shrink and having the guts to really open up and let another human see who I really was. This was frightening; I had never really trusted anyone for as long as I could remember. But to give sobriety an honest try I had to do it. And in my book an honest try means giving it your best effort. When ever I was unsure as to what the next right thing was, I asked some people I trusted and felt knew what they were talking about.
When there was no one to ask, I would sit as quite as my mind would let me and try to listen to that little voice we all have in our heads. That voice our parents tried to instill in us. We know right from wrong, and if we really listen to that voice and try to do our best by ourselves and others, we don’t go to far wrong.
Now my whole recovery program can be stated in just a few words. I’m just a guy who is trying to do the next right thing. And if that little voice comes from God well fine, I don’t care I going to give this living stuff my best shot. I’m going to do the next right thing what ever that means at the time, especially when it come to others.

STEP 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This step is the hardest one of all. To really look at ourselves, to see honestly just who we are, and what we have done. To look in the mirror and drop your pretensions, to drop self-denial.
This was, and is, one of the most difficult things I have ever done. We all hold a self image that we will protect to the end. We see ourselves as good and kind people, who care about others. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps us going. Some of us also hold a self image that we are the worse people out there. That we are not good or kind, that we don’t deserve to be in the company of normal people. That we deserve all the bad stuff that happens to everyone. That we don’t deserve to be loved, our families pretend to love us because we’re family and they sort of have to. Otherwise they would just ignore us. And others love us because of the stuff we can do for them, we see people who are just out for number one. They will use anyone who comes near, and why should we be any different. We have to earn our keep, like everyone else, there are people who seem to be loved by everyone. People who seem to just cruse through life on a pink cloud, and oh how we wish to be one of them, but we know it’s just dream, that it could never happen to us.
We see people who profess love for someone, but when their backs are turned they jump on them with both feet. We see a lot of people like that; we know we aren’t worth love. So anyone who tells us,” I love you”, we know what they are saying that behind our backs.
But to make a true inventory, we have to look at everything, both good and the bad.
When I’m trying to explain it to someone, who’s about to start doing their fourth step. I liken it to cleaning out a garage. When you clean out a full garage, you don’t start in the corners, you start with the big crap in the middle of the floor. You drag all the stuff out into the light of day. And spread it out all over the driveway.
And then start to look at what you have, both good and bad. And you have to rank things by how important they really are, some of the bad stuff we have done seems huge, until you look at it in the light. And when you look at the good things about you, it’s not hard to find exceptions. “I never stole a thing in my life” well what about stealing your time and affection from others in your life, so you could indulge in your addiction? What about that candy bar when you were ten. What about your time from your employer, and those office supplies you needed at home?
When you look at the horrible things you have done. Really how bad were they. I know we have all done things we’re ashamed of, the way we treated others are among the worse. And some people have done some very nasty things, esp. in relation to their addiction. But why did we treat others so shabby? Was it fear, we do a lot of things out of fear. Fear that people won’t like us, so hurt them first, and make them keep their distance. Keep them at a distance, they won’t be able to see the real you and thus they won’t be able to hurt you.
How many times have you been untrue to yourself, how many times have you put up a false front, so people will like you. So you will fit in? How many times have you gone against what you feel is right.
You also need to look at the good things you have done. How many times have you helped someone out with out thinking about a reward? How many times have you done the right thing, because it is the right thing?
Have you ever stopped to help a child? Have you ever resisted the urge to do something when you know it’s wrong, even though you wouldn’t get caught?
After you looks at all the stuff, while trying to be as honest as you can. I think you’ll find that you’re a mixture of good and bad, no one is 100% good or bad. You need to look at the stuff and decide, what you would like to keep and what needs to get changed about yourself. Remember that you’re not perfect and never will be .Instead of telling yourself that you’ll never tell another lie, remember little white lies make the world run smoother. Being brutally honest can often hurt others. Tell you self I’ll try and never tell a lie that will hurt someone. I won’t lie cover the fact I’m human, and make mistakes. And most of all promise yourself to never lie to you. You can’t change anything about yourself if you’re not honest. Make it a habit you examining your motives for doing what you do. When you come in conflict with what you know to be right, take action.
You’re going to find you’re a mixture of good and bad. You’ll find things that need to be changed now, and others that you need to work on. Don’t be afraid to give yourself a pat on the back for some of the good things you do, of course don’t sprain you arm in so doing.
This whole exercise is about finding out the truth about you. You can’t plot a course for changing your life without knowing where you are. This step in very hard to do, but you must do it, without it you’ll never change, and we need to change in order to stay sober. I not referring to being clean, I mean sober, to living life on life’s terms. To deal with the world in a healthy and hopefully a happy way. Maybe even to find some joy in your life. It was one of the big things I wanted out of my sobriety, just a little joy once in a while. You remember that feeling when you were a little kid, where you were just so happy and excited that you just had to go out in the yard and jump around, it either that or burst. This is the step that starts you on the path to real change, up till now you have just indentified the problem and the fact you need help, and decided to seek help.

STEP 5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs


Notes on Michele
I met Michele in 1984. I first noticed her at work. I was a supervisor at a big factory. Michele was working in the department next to mine. The factory made many different types of seasonal products. I was making swimming pools, the ones blue ones with the cartoons inside, and her department made coolers and surfboards out of Styrofoam.
I had been recently been dumped, by another black woman. It seemed as if she was more interested in my money and what I could do for her and her child. When I moved form Wisconsin to Virginia, Child support lost track of me for a few months, so I had some extra income, temporarily. But when they caught up with me, which I knew was going to happen, her interest in me faded away quickly. I found myself very lonely and hurt; I didn’t understand what had happened until later.
Which brings me back to Michele; she worked in plain view of my department. She was a good looking black