The Happiness Project by M K (ebook reader ink txt) 📖

I need to write and I am starting now. I have to talk about some things and I have to see them on paper. If I write them down, then they will not be hidden away. My memories will not only belong to me, but to anyone who wants to know them. I am sharing my life with you, and you could not care less. I am pretty sure you did not open this book to find these words. We all have an expectation for our lives and even each other. If you don’t like my character, my story and my words, then tear, burn, and throw away this story from your mind and write your own because I’m not here to make you happy. I am here to make myself happy. I am here today for me and that is strange to say. I’m going to call this, The Happiness Project. Or maybe I shouldn’t? If I were you and I read that title, I would open it believing that I could find some grand answer to the questions of my unhappiness. Well, these are the answers to my own questions and I will find the answers to them. Through my story, you might find the answers to your own questions. If you want to tag along, I don’t mind. In fact, I want you to listen. I need you too.

Sometimes we don’t see our own solutions, unless an outside view helps us to understand. I need your eyes and even your words to do this. I am going to tell you everything that makes me insane. I have been feeling a little out of it lately. I see other people with problems and look at their little pills, and wonder if I should take them too. Wouldn’t’ t that be nice? To take a capsule of happy and forget why you wanted to take the medication in the first place? Maybe it wouldn’t be so fun and maybe I don’t need them. I need to focus on the truth and to learn from the truth. My head is filled to bursting. I am overwhelmed. I stress too much, I know that is all and I need to discover why through this project and to cheer up without picking up a bottle. The end of my last sentence concerned you, didn’t it? I want to pick up a glassy bottle and drink away to forget my problems. Maybe you do have a reason to worry, because I’m not talking about Cream Soda. But, I don’t need it completely either. I drink a beer at the end of the day, just because I can and I enjoy it. It has also been a crutch lately and I can feel it. But, that is why I started this project and I will find myself again.

I feel lost sometimes. I am falling into my own mind and it is not comforting there. I think about everything. EVERYTHING. Do you understand? I think about what torments me, even if that is the dirty dishes lying in the sink. I let EVERYTHING torment me. I am helpless to let it happen. It is a mind set. How do you not think about your life and the things you worry about? I always want to change the outcome of things and It has always been this way. I first noticed my compulsive need to help others, when I was only six.

My mom took me and my three sister to a play at the local high school in our small town. I had never been to a play before, EVER. I did not know what a play was, or even that they were actors, if you can believe that. We had lived in the country and we had only watched movies, but never a live performance of characters. The play was Snow White and I was ecstatic. I was not ecstatic because I loved the Disney movie, which I did, I was happy because I could finally save her! I am wondering if you are laughing at my six year old self, because I am. I had been deeply disturbed by the fact that Snow White had always been tricked by the queen and nearly killed, each time I watched the movie. I remember thinking, that if someone could only have warned her…then she could have been saved from so much pain. I wanted to be her hero, because no one else could. When the play started, I waited for the perfect moment to warn Snow white, because I had to make sure that the evil queen wouldn’t find out my plan. The actress was dressed up like a terrible witch, just like in the movie and I despised her with a hate that a child should not have felt. Snow White was so beautiful, even in real life, I had thought to myself. Me and the audience had found out that the queen was going to give a poisoned comb to Snow White, so that she would put it in her hair and that would make her fall into an eternal sleep. The queen would be arriving at anytime to give it to her! I remembered that I had to act fast! I jumped out of my seat and saw that Snow White was in her room, all alone and ready for me tosave her. I ran up to the stage and called her name as quietly as I could. I felt so triumphant when she bent down and turned to me to ask what I needed. I told her that the evil queen was coming to kill her and that she COULD NOT put that poisoned comb in her hair! She smiled at me and agreed that she would not do that and that she was happy that I had warned her. I told her several times that she was in danger, just in case she didn’t understand the severity of the situation. Now that I look back to this moment, I feel so bad for this actress. She was a high school student and I could not imagine how I would feel if a child interrupted my scene to tell me that I needed to stay away from the evil witch. She was very kind about the whole incident and I am thankful for that. I thought that I had warned Snow White and now, I had changed the future for her. I was extremely proud, until I watched Snow White take the poisoned comb and put it in her hair anyway. I remember that my chest filled with anger and then sadness as she died. I felt betrayed and a little foolish, because she had not listened to me. I had wanted to change the course of the movie so many times, that I had believed this was my opportunity to do it. Snow white did not listen to my warning, but she did survive in the end and that was all I wanted anyway. I cherish this memory, because it reminds me that I was so innocent once and I enjoyed believing that I could change anything I set my mind to. If sometime bothers me, I need to change it and if I can’t, at least I tried my best.

The problem with me, is that I want to be a hero. I wanted to be the girl that saved Snow White. I can not save Snow white, because she has a destiny of her own to fulfill. She must suffer in order to be happy and so do I and I have in my own way. You may understand a little more about myself now and so let me continue on, with my Happiness Project. I will find my sanity again, come with me if you would like. I do not know where to start first. Should I start with the past? The present? I guess that depends on what is bothering me the most, now doesn’t it? I guess it would be better to show you who I am and how I became as I am. I am not a bad person, I do not personally think. I just have a problem in my mind and how I interpret the world. I live day to day, with an agonizing feeling that I am helpless in my circumstances. I feel as if I can help no one that needs my help. So, I do what I can and still think it is not enough. If I do tell you pieces of my life I promise, I will not tell you a long, drawn out story. But, I could if I wanted. I am not writing this for your entertainment. How will I help myself, if I am trying to make you happy? But I am conflicted because I hope that my writing does make you happy, that is also my goal, but besides that I do not take complaints. You can not know who I am through my own experiences, just like I can not know who you are by knowing yours. In our minds, our experiences and how we perceive and learn from them are unique. We will never be on the same level with each other, as we are with ourselves. But, I can try to show you. You can relate to me, because we are human.

I am so tired of being afraid. I will not be afraid to speak, I will not be afraid to tell you that I do not care if you read this book or not. That is a hard thing to say, especially since I usually want everyone to read my writing. I wanted to be heard, but now I just need to hear myself. I don’t care if you think I’m rambling either, because I am. The first step to happiness, that I have discovered at this moment: Is not caring what other people think. I can only make myself happy and you can only make yourself happy in the end. Have you ever valued someone’s opinion so much, that you based your life around it? Doesn’t it feel terrible? It feels as if we are walking on egg shells that we are