Three's Up by Paul Saunders (the beginning after the end read novel .txt) đ
- Author: Paul Saunders
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Three's Up
First.
Cupid's Arrow
6
Second.
The Morning After The Night Before
20
Third.
George's Plight
35
Cupid's Arrow
âChrist, Iâm so sorry Casey, heâs never usually like this. I canât understand whatâs gotten into him. Jezzer, come away!"
Amanda frantically tried to pry Jezzer off of Caseyâs leg, it was no use. A juggernaut wouldnât be able to pull the pitbull in the opposite direction at this moment in time. The creature panted and salivated as it bucked and ground at calf level, hooking its claws into Caseyâs denim to gain purchase. The other party guests looked on in horror and amazement as the dogâs intensity crescendoedâŠand then, it was over.
The dog dismounted and casually sniffed Caseyâs shoes, his anatomy still unsheathed. He turned to face the astonished guests and froze, with one limp paw hanging in mid-air. It was only the distant rush of bubbles bursting in the cheap champagne that broke the hundredweight silence. No one dared to so much as draw a breath.
Jezzer wagged his stumpy tail and took a step towards his attentive audience, who, out of fear of being next in the queue, launched themselves onto each otherâs laps, sending drinks flying. Jezzer stopped once more, tilted his head in calculation, and then turned and left the room.
A gentle breeze swam through the air as a dozen chests relaxed, only to be replaced once more by the all-consuming silence and an atmosphere so thick, you could dig it with a spoon. All eyes hit different corners of the room with the embarrassment of finding themselves on each otherâs laps. Their respective stares navigated their ways along ceilings, down walls, across carpets and met at Caseyâs jeans. It looked as though a herd of rather large snails had stampeded down the length of his shin.
âI - err - Iâll get you a cloth.â
Amanda didnât so much as break the silence, just dispersed it momentarily, only for it to regroup as she left the room. Caseyâs head hung mournfully. He could feel the intensity of their accumulated stares burning him as he stood exposed and violated before the room.
Out of all the eyes, only two of them mattered. Sarah Hardingâs.
For Casey, tonight held so much promise. Tonight was going to be the night that Sarah not only discovered that Casey existed, but that she was inconsolably in love with him as he was she. Instead, the best-laid plans of mice and men were running down the inside of his shoe. She knew he existed now, all right. Itâs hard to forget someone who was publicly raped by a family pet.
âCastration.â A woman finally shattered the oppressive silence, âThatâd calm âim down.â
âCalm âim down?â Replied another guest, âBy lopping his balls off? Whoâd be calmed down by that? To be honest, Iâd be decisively uncalm
. Iâd be running up the walls and biting vicars until they sewed the bastards back on!â
And so the hubbub of the party grew once more, and the world moved on. All except for Sarah, who remained planted to the spot holding an expression taut with horror and disgust. Casey knew his best chance was spent, he just hoped that Jezzer was too.
***
Skipping back to that morning, Caseyâs bus squirmed along with the rush hour traffic. Its industrial engine shook his take-away coffee violently as he leant against the back of the driverâs booth.
âI donât know what it is,â conceded Casey, âSomething just happens whenever I see her.â
âWhat, in the trouser department? Donât tell me you never had the talk
Casey. An erection is a perfectly normal thing, although it can be an inconvenience at timesâŠâ
âNot like that Jason.â
ââŠcome to think of it, it does all kind of look like itâs just been stuck on as an afterthought.â Jason, the bus driver, spent about as much time looking underneath his own toenails as he did at the road, âLike, God made Adam and Eve and said, âI canât be doing this two billion more times. Bollocks to it, they can do it âemselves.ââ
âIâm being serious.â
âHe mustâve been in a rush anâ all. Them girlsâ bits are about as well thought out as a holiday in Baghdad. I mean, youâd have less hassle wiring a satellite than making sense of all that.â
âHave you finished?â
Casey nervously checked over his shoulder as he noticed the old ladies in earshot fiddling with their hearing-aids and starting to fidget.
âI can see why God tucked it all away though. I mean, if Iâd created something that
ugly, I wouldnât flaunt it about the place. Did he have, like, an abundance of elf ears and think âoh well, theseâll have to do?ââ
Jason looked out of his driverâs window thoughtfully, pondering his own creation theory. If there were an artistâs impression of his thought pattern, itâd scarily resemble a demolition derby. Casey knew Jason well enough to seize the silence.
âLook, I donât know what it is but whenever I see her, itâs like my blood turns to acid and burns the inside of my veins. It feels like Iâm allergic to my own body and I want to leap out of myself. Some people call it obsession, some people call it infatuation...â
âThat one person called the police when you stood outside her house all night.â
The old lady in the seat directly behind them cleared her throat; Casey spoke into her disapproving eyes.
âIt wasnât all night.â Sensing the growing attention creeping his way, he leant into Jason and lowered his voice, âWhat Iâm trying to say is that I know itâs love. I am completely and utterly in love with Sarah Harding. The problem is, she doesnât even know Iâm alive.â
âShe must know you exist mate, what about all those chocolates and roses youâve been sending her over the last three years?â
âWell, Iâve got to work with her yâsee. I mean, what if she werenât interested? Iâd have to find a new job, wouldnât I?â
âYou sent them anonymously, didnât you?â
Casey scratched the back of his head, his silence was reply enough. He scanned the bus, catching the other passengersâ gazes before they managed to snap their heads back downwards, feigning ignorance. He swore he heard, âidiotâ from somewhere toward the back. He spoke to the bus as a whole.
âI hoped sheâd do the maths.â
âThatâs not maths, Casey. Thatâs some weird, psychic, I-speak-to-dead-people ability.â
Casey took a long swig of coffee; the polystyrene cup covered his blushing cheeks. An old man, two rows from the front leant forward and spoke in an extremely public whisper.
âPsssst. Lad. Have you tried Rohypnol?â
He gave Casey a knowing wink, as if to share the conspiracy. The women in close proximity to the old man suddenly didnât want to be.
âRohypnol? You mean date rape? Yeah, why donât I just whack her âround the back of the head with a frying pan and cart her off over my shoulder?â
The old man shrugged his shoulders and turned, noticing the murderous looks being shot his way. An old lady leant forward and tapped Caseyâs waist.
âDâyou have a frying pan, love?â
âIâm not whacking her âround the head and carting her off over my shoulder! Now will you all, please, just mind your own business?â
The bus was swallowed by an awkward silence, for about five seconds anyway, before Jason piped up.
ââtâs not a bad idea, mate. Drugging her, I mean.â An army of tuts marched toward the front of the bus; Jason wasnât one to rely on peopleâs approval. âDonât get me wrong, Iâm not talking about anything that would knock her out. Just something that would, you know, warm her to you a bit.â
âAnd where am I going to find that?â
âCraig the Crooked Chemist? Heâd knock you something up. Remember those special painkillers he made for my Mumâs arthritis?â
âWhat, you mean the ones that paralysed her for three days, and had her talking in tongues? Yeah, I remember, although itâs not really the angle Iâm trying for.â
âSuit yourself.â Jason sounded disappointed, âAll Iâm saying is that itâs been three years, right? Well, if you donât do anything about it, itâs going to be another three years. If you had the minerals to win her outright, it wouldâve happened ages ago.â
This received murmurs of approval from Jasonâs passengers. The bus finally pulled into the depot and people started to collect their belongings and queue to disembark. The women sat around the Rohypnol man stayed seated, watching him with convictive eyes, all except for one, who leapt up and planted a knee bluntly between his legs.
Casey thought he was the last passenger and went to step off the bus. A slender, yet empowering hand relaxed on his shoulder and a voice like silk and daggers all at once appeared at his ear in a thick West Indies accent.
âTell me boy, you love this woman true?â
Casey and Jason jumped as she spoke, neither of them noticed her before now. Casey turned and was almost sucked onto tiptoes by the womanâs absorbingly dark eyes.
âIâŠwho are you?â
âDo you love her mind, body and soul?â
âYeah, with emphasis on the body
.â Jason had a way of spoiling moments as he mimicked breasts with his hands. ââere I donât remember selling you a ticketâŠâ
âYes, I do love her.â
Casey interrupted his friend, something screamed inside of him not to let this moment pass by. The mysterious woman reached into an exotic purse, her hand reappeared holding a small translucent phial, containing a glowing green liquid.
âTake this, boy. Two drops into the drink of the woman you love and she will be yours for all of this life. But be warned, it cannot be undone.â
âWhat is it?â
Casey twirled the bottle in the light; the liquid glistened like a million tiny crystals. Jason leant over his shoulder, reaching out in an attempt to look with his hands.
âCall it Cupidâs Arrow if you will, but be sure it is you who gives her the potion, otherwise it will be they who own her heart.â
The mysterious woman placed a hand on Caseyâs cheek momentarily, before turning and exiting the bus. Never one to miss a trick, Jason jumped the three steps and ran out after her.
ââere, love. I donât suppose youâve got any, like, super-strength viagra in there, have you?â
Casey stood for a moment, rooted to the spot, completely hypnotised by his own destiny, which sat in his palm.
***
With a trembling hand, Casey covertly removed the miniature bottle from his jeans. He removed the bung and allowed two drops to spill into the red wine, and then two more for good measure. He drew a nerve-steadying breath and took up in his clammy hand, the rest of his life.
He trafficked the spiked drink to the lounge; Sarah beamed the smile that Casey had dreamt about for the last three years. She raised an arm to accept the drinkâŠ
A tennis ball bounced playfully into the core of the party, followed by
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