Uncle Beano by Patrick James Anderson (cool books to read txt) 📖

Title: Uncle Beano.


“Hung over again?” Morgan had said resignedly as she lifted the drunken clown out of his bright rainbow colored van. His weight was heavy on her staggering her down. “Morgan what would I do with out you.” Uncle Beano said breathing hot stale whiskey down her neck, as he drooled all over her.

“Come on. We have a party to do!” She said smacking his hands off her, as he blindly groped. She worked for him for two summers now. Morgan was used to his drunken antics, and brushed it off the way she handled the Frat boys from time to time at her college. Up righting himself he stumbled sideways to the door.
“At least your standing.” She said sympathetically Uncle Beano was like an uncle to her. He wasn’t always the lecherous old drunk standing here now. Two years ago when he had attended her college fair. He had made such an impression, that she had run right up to him wanting to become a clown in training. Things were going great for awhile. They were making people laugh and smile. He had done charity work at the Hospital, which she took over for him now. Then his wife left him and took their three kids with her. The kids were his life, after that everything crumbled. He had just digressed worse and worse. She was the unfortunate witness to see him sink lower and lower in his depression.
“Are you gonna be okay today? Do you want me to cancel?” Morgan offered.

Uncle Beano looked her straight in the eye. Grabbing her and planted a long wet kiss right on her lips, he rang the doorbell as he did this. Morgan tried to catch her breath, and not lose her lunch. Stepped back as the door swung open, and the Lady of the house answered the door. Smiling she spoke through clenched teeth. “What are you doing? You are supposed to come through the back of the house!” The house full of kids looking up to see Uncle Beano all cheered. “Yeah!” “The Clowns here!” Uncle Beano stepped in placing a hand on the ladies forehead gently pushed her out of his way. The kids up roared with laughter and applause. The lady not amused stormed off into the kitchen. Morgan followed him in, and ran ahead of him she waved her arms in an introductory salute. “Boys and Girls!” she loudly announced. “Uncle Beano!” Morgan bowed towards him graciously as he stepped into the center of the room. The flashing lights of multiple cameras exploded all around him. The children smiled and laughed as he pretended to act like this was blinding him. Uncle Beano stumbled around until he bumped into one of the mothers and pantomimed like he was blind began feeling around with his hands. He messed up her hair, and knocked off her glasses. She was laughing along with the kids even though his hands were groping in some areas that she would not have thought appropriate. It was okay he was just clowning around. He wandered back to his center stage. She looked down and quickly clutched herself as she ran off towards the bathroom. The lady did not realize that he had unbuttoned half her shirt. Uncle Beano told jokes for the next half hour. Following this was his set of magic tricks. The doorbell rang disrupting the performance which to the kids delight Uncle Beano started stamping his feet, and shaking a fist towards the door. In it walked the most attractive blonde woman he had ever seen. He made goofy grin, and circled a heart with his hands. Running over to the door, he hip checked the man that was opening it, and sent him into the coat rack in the corner. Making a bow and a courtesy he offered his hand to the lady and escorted her in. “Uncle Beano at your service.” He gestured kissing her hand as she sat down on the couch. Going back to the center room Uncle Beano did a couple balloon tricks, and gave one heart shaped balloon to the blonde lady.
He turned and nodded at Morgan. This was their queue for breaks, bathroom or otherwise. “Uncle Beano will now take a little break. He will be back in short while.” She announced as he made his way up the stairs. Morgan did her clown act for the kids. The man of the house interrupted her. “Where is he going?” He asked.
“Bathroom.” Morgan replied.
“He didn’t ask!” The man said and proceeded up the stairs. He waited outside the door listening to Uncle Beano relieve him self.
The man soon became disgusted by the fowl odor that was seeping from under the doorway, and filling the hallway. He could hear the clown talking to himself in there. “That’s it!” the clown was saying “you’re out of the circus!” This was followed with a series of flushes. The man pounded on the door. To which Uncle Beano replied.
“Go away. I am not giving autographs right now.” The man pounded louder.
A concerned mom at the bottom of the stairs asked what’s wrong.
”Nothing.” he replied. “I just have to straighten out some clown.” He puffed up his chest as she walked back into the kitchen. Proceeding to knock even louder the door swung open and two large gloved hands grabbed him dragging him into the bathroom.

“You gonna straighten me out?” Uncle beano asked cracking his knuckles. “Let me just say one thing first. I am a clown I make people laugh, the kids down there they love me. They wouldn’t want anything to happen to me. The second thing is I am a clown. You probably never heard of the Clownfia. We are a very tight knit group. Kind of like a family. When one of us has a problem the rest of the family has a problem. So I will give you two choices. Choice, A you go out that door and fly down the steps. Choice B you drink that toilet water while I watch. Then I will go downstairs and eat lunch. I will then perform the rest of my act. You never have to see me again, unless there’s another party. And you better not so much as look at me. Understand. Uncle Beano looked at him levelly. To this the man gulped he had not realized how his fake attempt at bravado was being called, and how big this clown looked close up.He knelt towards the toilet bowl, while Uncle Beano washed his hands and walked out.

“Hey kids!” He shouted. “Who wants story time?” they all jumped and cheered as he forced himself on the couch sandwiching himself between the blonde lady, and another mother. “This one is called Uncle Beano’s circus adventure. “What is your name little girl.” He indicated towards the attractive blonde next to him. Courtney. She replied. “Well Courtney how would you like to be part of our story today?” Uncle Beano piped up slipping an arm comfortably around her shoulders. “Here goes. One day Uncle Beano was going to the circus. As he was getting ready to perform, Uncle Beano spotted a group of clowns…One of which was clown Courtney. The most beautiful clown Uncle Beano had ever seen before. The other clowns liked her too. They were a tough group of clowns. When Uncle Beano approached three of them blocked his way to the beautiful Courtney. Oh no how could he profess his admiration to her like this. Luckily Uncle Beano is trained in Clown Kwan do. Clown Fu, and a UFC fighter. That is Universal fighting Clowns. After he scared the other clowns away Uncle Beano approached her, and with a wave of his hand, produced a beautiful bouquet of flowers for the Lovely Clown Courtney.” As he told his story a paper Mache of flowers sprung from his sleeve, and he handed it to Courtney. She smiled, and blushed as he gave her a brief hug. “Let’s hear it for Mrs. Courtney.” The kids all applauded he started handing out signed autographs. He handed one to Courtney who corrected him. “It’s Ms. Courtney. That was a beautiful story by the way.” She looked at the autograph. “There is something missing.” She added.
“What is something wrong?” Uncle Beano checked.

“Your phone numbers not on here.” She whispered in his ear. Getting a goofy grin he added his number to the back... “Thank you.” She said “I will call you sometimes.” She promised walking out.

He called Morgan over, and asked her to get the payment for the party, while he finished up. Uncle Beano went over to get some food. The Pizza was cold, but it was food and he was hungry. Uncle Beano started shoveling handfuls of pizza into his mouth and swallowing as fast as he could. A hand tapped him on the shoulder. One of the guests was standing there with a disapproving look on her face. “Excuse me! We don’t pay you to eat! We pay you to entertain the kids! Make jokes, Juggle, and do magic!” “Really?” Uncle Beano replied with mock shock on face. “Morgan are we cleared!” He shouted as she walked up to him.
“Yes sir two hundred and fifty dollars cash.” She stuffed her half into her curvaceous cleavage.
“Great!” he replied turning back to the lady. “You know it’s funny you say WE are paying you. But yet YOU are a guest, and I know that YOU aren’t the one paying me…So what is the issue. There is more than enough Pizza for everyone. You can still take some home.” He smiled a big toothy grin.

“I am a friend of the family, and I chipped in for this Pizza. So that is my Pizza you are eating clown! Go do some tricks like you’re supposed to!”

“You want to see a magic trick?” Uncle Beano asked as he took a pile of pizza slices. “I am going to make this pizza disappear and reappear.” He shoved all the slices he held into his mouth and chewed and swallowed. Opening his mouth he showed her that there was no Pizza left in his mouth. Turning his back to her in a fluid spin, he took his middle finger and shoved it deep down his throat. As he spun back towards her his gag reflexes kicked in spewing her with a shower of digested pizza. Wiping a napkin across his mouth he walked out brushing his hands. She stood there in shock and embarrassment.

Driving home Morgan asked him what he was doing later. Uncle Beano thought of the lady he’d met today. “You know I think I will quit drinking.”
“Any particular reason?” She prodded knowing the reason. “Is it because of a certain lady today?” she mused. “I seen the way you two were eyeing each other all afternoon.” Morgan teased.
“Just remember.” She advised no binging no smoking and no clown porn!” Morgan walked in on him a few times, and lately the clown porn had become a regular occurrence.
“I can give you two out of the three.” Uncle Beano responded. “But the clown porn, well baby you know what daddy like!” he joked. They both chuckled at this. As he dropped her off Morgan thought. He is going to be okay.
Uncle Beano went home looked at his bottle of whiskey, right next to the picture of