An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde (different e readers TXT) 📖
- Author: Oscar Wilde
- Performer: 048641423X
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running. It is a great deal too much excitement for any son. I hope
to goodness he won’t come up. Fathers should be neither seen nor
heard. That is the only proper basin for family life. Mothers are
different. Mothers are darlings. [Throws himself down into a chair,
picks up a paper and begins to read it.]
[Enter LORD CAVERSHAM.]
LORD CAVERSHAM. Well, sir, what are you doing here? Wasting your
time as usual, I suppose?
LORD GORING. [Throws down paper and rises.] My dear father, when
one pays a visit it is for the purpose of wasting other people’s
time, not one’s own.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Have you been thinking over what I spoke to you
about last night?
LORD GORING. I have been thinking about nothing else.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Engaged to be married yet?
LORD GORING. [Genially.] Not yet: but I hope to be before lunch-time.
LORD CAVERSHAM. [Caustically.] You can have till dinner-time if it
would be of any convenience to you.
LORD GORING. Thanks awfully, but I think I’d sooner be engaged
before lunch.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Humph! Never know when you are serious or not.
LORD GORING. Neither do I, father.
[A pause.]
LORD CAVERSHAM. I suppose you have read THE TIMES this morning?
LORD GORING. [Airily.] THE TIMES? Certainly not. I only read THE
MORNING POST. All that one should know about modern life is where
the Duchesses are; anything else is quite demoralising.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Do you mean to say you have not read THE TIMES
leading article on Robert Chiltern’s career?
LORD GORING. Good heavens! No. What does it say?
LORD CAVERSHAM. What should it say, sir? Everything complimentary,
of course. Chiltern’s speech last night on this Argentine Canal
scheme was one of the finest pieces of oratory ever delivered in the
House since Canning.
LORD GORING. Ah! Never heard of Canning. Never wanted to. And did
… did Chiltern uphold the scheme?
LORD CAVERSHAM. Uphold it, sir? How little you know him! Why, he
denounced it roundly, and the whole system of modern political
finance. This speech is the turning-point in his career, as THE
TIMES points out. You should read this article, sir. [Opens THE
TIMES.] ‘Sir Robert Chiltern … most rising of our young
statesmen … Brilliant orator … Unblemished career … Well-known integrity of character … Represents what is best in English
public life … Noble contrast to the lax morality so common among
foreign politicians.’ They will never say that of you, sir.
LORD GORING. I sincerely hope not, father. However, I am delighted
at what you tell me about Robert, thoroughly delighted. It shows he
has got pluck.
LORD CAVERSHAM. He has got more than pluck, sir, he has got genius.
LORD GORING. Ah! I prefer pluck. It is not so common, nowadays, as
genius is.
LORD CAVERSHAM. I wish you would go into Parliament.
LORD GORING. My dear father, only people who look dull ever get into
the House of Commons, and only people who are dull ever succeed
there.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Why don’t you try to do something useful in life?
LORD GORING. I am far too young.
LORD CAVERSHAM. [Testily.] I hate this affectation of youth, sir.
It is a great deal too prevalent nowadays.
LORD GORING. Youth isn’t an affectation. Youth is an art.
LORD CAVERSHAM. Why don’t you propose to that pretty Miss Chiltern?
LORD GORING. I am of a very nervous disposition, especially in the
morning.
LORD CAVERSHAM. I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her
accepting you.
LORD GORING. I don’t know how the betting stands to-day.
LORD CAVERSHAM. If she did accept you she would be the prettiest
fool in England.
LORD GORING. That is just what I should like to marry. A thoroughly
sensible wife would reduce me to a condition of absolute idiocy in
less than six months.
LORD CAVERSHAM. You don’t deserve her, sir.
LORD GORING. My dear father, if we men married the women we
deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
[Enter MABEL CHILTERN.]
MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! … How do you do, Lord Caversham? I hope
Lady Caversham is quite well?
LORD CAVERSHAM. Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.
LORD GORING. Good morning, Miss Mabel!
MABEL CHILTERN. [Taking no notice at all of LORD GORING, and
addressing herself exclusively to LORD CAVERSHAM.] And Lady
Caversham’s bonnets … are they at all better?
LORD CAVERSHAM. They have had a serious relapse, I am sorry to say.
LORD GORING. Good morning, Miss Mabel!
MABEL CHILTERN. [To LORD CAVERSHAM.] I hope an operation will not
be necessary.
LORD CAVERSHAM. [Smiling at her pertness.] If it is, we shall have
to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent
to have a feather touched.
LORD GORING. [With increased emphasis.] Good morning, Miss Mabel!
MABEL CHILTERN. [Turning round with feigned surprise.] Oh, are you
here? Of course you understand that after your breaking your
appointment I am never going to speak to you again.
LORD GORING. Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one
person in London I really like to have to listen to me.
MABEL CHILTERN. Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that
either you or I say to each other.
LORD CAVERSHAM. You are quite right, my dear, quite right … as
far as he is concerned, I mean.
MABEL CHILTERN. Do you think you could possibly make your son behave
a little better occasionally? Just as a change.
LORD CAVERSHAM. I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no
influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I
would make him do.
MABEL CHILTERN. I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak
natures that are not susceptible to influence.
LORD CAVERSHAM. He is very heartless, very heartless.
LORD GORING. It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.
MABEL CHILTERN. It is very good for you to be in the way, and to
know what people say of you behind your back.
LORD GORING. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me
behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
LORD CAVERSHAM. After that, my dear, I really must bid you good
morning.
MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all alone
with Lord Goring? Especially at such an early hour in the day.
LORD CAVERSHAM. I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing
Street. It is not the Prime Minster’s day for seeing the unemployed.
[Shakes hands with MABEL CHILTERN, takes up his hat and stick, and
goes out, with a parting glare of indignation at LORD GORING.]
MABEL CHILTERN. [Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl
on the table.] People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park
are horrid.
LORD GORING. Detestable.
MABEL CHILTERN. I am glad you admit it. But I wish you wouldn’t
look so pleased about it.
LORD GORING. I can’t help it. I always look pleased when I am with
you.
MABEL CHILTERN. [Sadly.] Then I suppose it is my duty to remain
with you?
LORD GORING. Of course it is.
MABEL CHILTERN. Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle.
It always depresses me. So I am afraid I must leave you.
LORD GORING. Please don’t, Miss Mabel. I have something very
particular to say to you.
MABEL CHILTERN. [Rapturously.] Oh! is it a proposal?
LORD GORING. [Somewhat taken aback.] Well, yes, it is - I am bound
to say it is.
MABEL CHILTERN. [With a sigh of pleasure.] I am so glad. That
makes the second to-day.
LORD GORING. [Indignantly.] The second to-day? What conceited ass
has been impertinent enough to dare to propose to you before I had
proposed to you?
MABEL CHILTERN. Tommy Trafford, of course. It is one of Tommy’s
days for proposing. He always proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
during the Season.
LORD GORING. You didn’t accept him, I hope?
MABEL CHILTERN. I make it a rule never to accept Tommy. That is why
he goes on proposing. Of course, as you didn’t turn up this morning,
I very nearly said yes. It would have been an excellent lesson both
for him and for you if I had. It would have taught you both better
manners.
LORD GORING. Oh! bother Tommy Trafford. Tommy is a silly little
ass. I love you.
MABEL CHILTERN. I know. And I think you might have mentioned it
before. I am sure I have given you heaps of opportunities.
LORD GORING. Mabel, do be serious. Please be serious.
MABEL CHILTERN. Ah! that is the sort of thing a man always says to a
girl before he has been married to her. He never says it afterwards.
LORD GORING. [Taking hold of her hand.] Mabel, I have told you that
I love you. Can’t you love me a little in return?
MABEL CHILTERN. You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about …
anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Every
one in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I
adore you. I have been going about for the last six months telling
the whole of society that I adore you. I wonder you consent to have
anything to say to me. I have no character left at all. At least, I
feel so happy that I am quite sure I have no character left at all.
LORD GORING. [Catches her in his arms and kisses her. Then there is
a pause of bliss.] Dear! Do you know I was awfully afraid of being
refused!
MABEL CHILTERN. [Looking up at him.] But you never have been
refused yet by anybody, have you, Arthur? I can’t imagine any one
refusing you.
LORD GORING. [After kissing her again.] Of course I’m not nearly
good enough for you, Mabel.
MABEL CHILTERN. [Nestling close to him.] I am so glad, darling. I
was afraid you were.
LORD GORING. [After some hesitation.] And I’m … I’m a little
over thirty.
MABEL CHILTERN. Dear, you look weeks younger than that.
LORD GORING. [Enthusiastically.] How sweet of you to say so! …
And it is only fair to tell you frankly that I am fearfully
extravagant.
MABEL CHILTERN. But so am I, Arthur. So we’re sure to agree. And
now I must go and see Gertrude.
LORD GORING. Must you really? [Kisses her.]
MABEL CHILTERN. Yes.
LORD GORING. Then do tell her I want to talk to her particularly. I
have been waiting here all the morning to see either her or Robert.
MABEL CHILTERN. Do you mean to say you didn’t come here expressly to
propose to me?
LORD GORING. [Triumphantly.] No; that was a flash of genius.
MABEL CHILTERN. Your first.
LORD GORING. [With determination.] My last.
MABEL CHILTERN. I am delighted to hear it. Now don’t stir. I’ll be
back in five minutes. And don’t fall into any temptations while I am
away.
LORD GORING. Dear Mabel, while you are away, there are none. It
makes me horribly dependent on you.
[Enter LADY CHILTERN.]
LADY CHILTERN. Good morning, dear! How pretty you are looking!
MABEL CHILTERN. How pale you are looking, Gertrude! It is most
becoming!
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