A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY by Edward Payson Roe (world of reading .txt) 📖

This Coffee Is Fine Old Java, And A More

Delicate Ham I Never Tasted."

 

 

 

"Now You Hit Me Twice. I Will Have The Best For Myself, Instead Of

Practicin' Self-Denial And Economy. Then I'M Always Wantin' To Get Some

Second-Hand Victuals To Give Away, But I Daresn'T. You See I Read The

Bible Sometimes, And It'S The Most Awfully Oncomfortable Book That Ever

Was Written. You Know What The Lord Says In it--Or You Ought To--About

What We Do For The Least Of These His Brethren; That Means Such As You,

Only You'Re A Sort Of Black Sheep In the Family; And If Words Have Any

Sense At All, The Lord Takes My Givin' You A Dinner The Same As If I

Gave It To Him. Now S'Pose The Lord Came To My House, As He Did To Mary

And Martha'S, And I Should Git Him Up A Slimpsy Dinner Of Second-Hand

Victuals, And Stand By A-Chucklin' That I Had Saved twenty-Five Cents On

It, Wouldn'T That Be Meanness Itself? Some Time Ago I Had A Ham That I

Couldn'T And Wouldn'T Eat, And They Wouldn'T Take It Back At The Store,

So I Got Some Of The Lord'S Poor Brethren To Come To Dinner, And I

Palmed it Off On Them. But I Had To Cuss Myself The Whole Evenin' To Pay

Up For It! A-A-H!"

 

 

 

"By Jove!" Cried haldane, Dropping His Knife And Fork, And Looking

Admiringly At His Host, Who Stood On The Hearth, Running His Fingers

Through His Shock Of White Hair, His Shriveled and Bristling aspect

Making a Marked contrast With His Sleek And Lazy Cat And Dog--"By Jove,

You Are That I Call A Christian!"

 

 

 

"Now, Look Here, Young Man," Said Mr. Growther, Wrathfully, "Though You

Are Under No Obligations To Me, You'Ve Got No Business Makin' Game Of Me

And Callin' Me Names, And I Won'T Stand It. You'Ve Got To Be Civil And

Speak The Truth While You'Re On My Premises, Whether You Want To Or No."

 

 

 

Haldane Shrugged his Shoulders, Laughed, And Made Haste With His Dinner,

For With Such A Gusty And Variable Host He Might Not Get A Chance To

Finish It. As He Glanced around The Room, However, And Saw How Cosey And

Inviting It Might Be Made By A Little Order And Homelike Arrangement, He

Determined to Fix It Up According To His Own Ideas, If He Could

Accomplish It Without Actually Coming To Blows With The Occupant.

 

 

 

"Who Keeps House For You?" He Asked.

 

 

 

"Didn'T I Tell You Nobody Could Stand Me!"

 

 

 

"Will You Stand Me For About Half An Hour While I Fix Up This Room For

You?"

 

 

 

"No!"

 

 

 

"What Will You Do If I Attempt It?"

 

 

 

"I'Ll Set The Dog On You."

 

 

 

"Nothing Worse?" Asked haldane, With A Laughing Glance At The Lazy Cur.

 

 

 

"You Might Take Something."

 

 

 

An Expression Of Sharp Pain Crossed the Young Man'S Face; The Sunshine

Faded out Of It Utterly, And He Said In a Cold, Constrained voice, As He

Rose From The Table:

 

 

 

"Oh, I Forgot For A Moment That I Am A Thief In the World'S Estimation."

 

 

 

"That Last Remark Of Mine Was About Equal To A Kick, Wasn'T It?"

 

 

 

"A Little Worse."

 

 

 

"Ain'T You Used to 'Em Yet?"

 

 

 

"I Ought To Be."

 

 

 

"Why, Do Many Speak Out As Plain As That?"

 

 

 

"They Act It Out Just As Plainly. Since You Don'T Trust Me, You Had

Better Watch Me, Lest I Put Some Cord-Wood In my Pocket."

 

 

 

"What Do You Want To Do?"

 

 

 

"If The World Is Going To Insist Upon It That I Am A Scoundrel To The

End Of The Chapter, I Want To Find Some Deep Water, And Get Under It,"

Was The Reckless Reply.

 

 

 

"A-A-H! Didn'T I Say We Respectable People And The Devil Was In

Partnership Over You? He Wants To Get You Under Deep Water As Soon As

Possible, And We'Re All A-Helpin' Him Along. Young Man, I _Am_ Afraid Of

You, Like The Rest, And It Seems To Me That I Think More Of My Old Duds

Here Than Of Your Immortal Soul That The Devil Has Almost Got. But I'M

Goin' To Spite Him And Myself For Once. I'M Goin' Down Town After The

Evenin' Paper, And, Instead Of Lockin' Up, As I Usually Do, I Shall

Leave You In charge. I Know It'S Risky, And I Hate To Do It, But It

Seems To Me That You Ought Ter Have Sense Enough To Know That If You

Take All I'Ve Got You Would Be Jest That Much Wuss Off;" And Before

Haldane Could Remonstrate Or Reply He Took A Curiously Twisted and

Gnarled cane That Resembled himself And Departed.

 

Chapter XXIII (Mr. Growther Becomes Gigantic)

Haldane Was So Surprised at Mr. Growther'S Unexpected course That The

Odd Old Man Was Out Of The Gate Before The Situation Was Fully Realized.

His First Impulse Was To Follow, And Say That He Would Not Be Left Alone

In Circumstances That Might Compromise Him; But A Second Thought Assured

Him That He Was Past Being Compromised. So He Concluded to Fall In with

His Host'S Queer Humor, And Try To Prove Himself Worthy Of Trust. He

Cleared away His Dinner With As Much Deftness As Could Be Expected of

One Engaging In an Unusual Task, And Put Everything In its Place, Or

What Should Be Its Place. He Next Found A Broom, And Commenced sweeping

The Room, Which Unwonted proceeding aroused the Slumbering Cat And Dog,

And They Sat Up And Stared at The Stranger With Unfeigned astonishment.

 

 

 

The Cat Looked on Quietly And Philosophically, Acting On The Generally

Received principle Of The World, Of Not Worrying Until Her Own Interests

Seemed threatened. But The Dog Evidently Thought Of The Welfare Of His

Absent Master, And Had A Vague Troubled sense That Something Was Wrong.

He Waddled up To The Intruder, And Gravely Smelled of Him. By Some

Canine Casuistry He Arrived at The Same Conclusion Which Society Had

Reached--That Haldane Was A Suspicious Character, And Should Be Kept At

Arm'S-Length. Indeed, The Sagacious Beast Seemed to Feel Toward The

Unfortunate Youth Precisely The Same Impulse Which Had Actuated all The

Prudent Citizens In town--A Desire To Be Rid Of Him, And To Have Nothing

To Do With Him. If Haldane Would Only Take Himself Off To Parts Unknown,

To Die In a Gutter, Or To Commit A Burglary, That He Might, As It Were,

Break Into Jail Again, And So Find A Refuge And An Abiding-Place, The

Faithful Dog, Believing His Master'S Interests No Longer Endangered,

Would Have Resumed his Nap With The Same Complacence And Sense Of Relief

Which Scores Of Good People Had Felt As They Saw Mr. Arnot'S Dishonored

Clerk Disappearing From Their Premises, After Their Curt Refusal Of His

Services. The Community'S Thoughts And Wary Eyes Followed him Only

Sufficiently Long To Be Sure That He Committed no Further Depredations,

And Then He Was Forgotten, Or Remembered only As A Danger, Or An

Annoyance, Happily Escaped. What Was To Become Of This Drifting Human

Atom Appeared to Cause No More Solicitude In town Than Mr. Growther'S

Dog Would Feel Should He Succeed in growling The Intruder Out Of The

House; For, Being Somewhat Mystified, And Not Exactly Sure As To His

Master'S Disposition Toward The Stranger, He Concluded to Limit His

Protest To A Union Of His Voice With What Might Be Termed society'S

Surly And Monotonous Command, "Move On."

 

 

 

Haldane Tried to Propitiate This Mild And Miniature Cerberus With A

Dainty Piece Of Ham, But Was Rewarded only By A Disdainful Sniff And

Angrier Snarl. The Politic Cat, However, With Wary Glances At The Dog

And The Stranger, Stole Noiselessly To The Meat, Seized it, And

Retreated quickly To Her Recognized corner Of The Hearth; But When The

Youth, Hoping That The Morsel Might Lead To A Friendly Acquaintance,

Offered a Caress, Her Back And Tail Went Up Instantly, And She Became

The Embodiment Of Repellant Conservatism. He Looked at Her A Moment, And

Then Said, With A Bitter Laugh:

 

 

 

"If You Could Be Transformed into A Woman, As The Old Fairy Tale Goes,

You Would Make An Excellent Wife For Weitzel Shrumpf, While The Snarling

Dog Represents The Respectable Portion Of The Community, That Will Have

Nothing To Do With Me Whatever. When My Pen, However, Has Brought Name

And Fame, The Churlish World Will Be Ready To Fawn, And Forget That It

Tried to Trample Me Into The Mire Of The Street Until I Became A Part Of

It. Curses On The World! I Would Give Half My Life For The Genius Of A

Byron, That I Migt Heap Scorn On Society Until It Writhed under The

Intolerable Burden. Oh That I Had A Wit As Keen And Quick As The

Lightning, So That I Might Transfix And Shrivel Up The Well-Dressed

Monsters That Now Shun Me As If I Had A Contagion!"

 

 

 

From A Heart Overflowing With Bitterness And Impotent Protest Against

The Condition To Which His Own Act Had Reduced him, Haldane Was Learning

To Indulge In such Bitter Soliloquy With Increasing Frequency. It Is

Ever The Tendency Of Those Who Find Themselves At Odds With The World,

And In conflict With The Established order Of Things, To Inveigh With

Communistic Extravagance Against The Conservatism And Wary Prudence

Which They Themselves Would Have Maintained had All Remained well With

Them. The Haldane Who Had Meditated "Gloomy Grandeur" Would Not Have

Looked at The Poor, Besmirched haldane Who Had Just Accepted what The

World Would Regard As Charity. The Only Reason Why The Proud,

Aristocratic Youth Could Tolerate And Make Excuse For The Disreputable

Character Who Was Glad To Eat The Dinner Given By Jeremiah Growther, Was

That This Same Ill-Conditioned fellow Was Himself. Thus Every Bitter

Thing Which He Said Against Society Was Virtually Self-Condemnation. And

Yet His Course Was Most Natural, For Men Almost Invariably Forget That

Their Views Change With Their Fortunes. Thousands Will At Once Form A

Positive Opinion Of A Subject From Its Aspect Seen At Their Standpoint,

Where One Will Walk Around And Scan It On All Sides.

 

 

 

Either To Spite Himself, Or To Show His Confidence In one Whom Others

Regarded as Utterly Unworthy Of Trust, Mr. Growther Remained away

Sufficiently Long For Haldane To Have Made Up A Bundle Of All The

Valuables In the House, And Have Escaped. The Young Man Soon Discovered

That There Were Valuables, But Anything Like Vulgar Theft Never Entered

His Mind. That People Should Believe Him Capable Of Acting The Part Of A

Common Thief Was One Of The Strange Things In his Present Experience

Which He Could Not Understand.

 

 

 

Finally, To The Immense Relief Of The Honest And Conservative Dog, That

Had Growled himself Hoarse, Haldane Gave The Room Its Finishing Touches,

And Betook Himself To The Woodpile Again. The Cat Watched his Departure

With Philosophic Composure. Like Many Fair Ladies, She Had Thought

Chiefly Of Herself During The Interview With The Stranger, From Whom She

Had Managed to Secure A Little Agreeable Attention Without Giving

Anything In return; And, Now That It Was Over, She Complacently Purred

Herself To Sleep, With Nothing To Regret.

 

 

 

"Hullo! You'Re Here Yet, Eh!" Said Mr. Growther, Entering The Gate.

 

 

 

"Can You Name Any Good Reason Why I Should Not Be Here?" Asked haldane,

Somewhat Nettled.

 

 

 

"No, But I Could Plenty Of Bad Reasons."

 

 

 

"Keep Them To Yourself Then," Said The Young Man, Sullenly Resuming His

Work.

 

 

 

"You Talk As If You Was An Honest Man," Growled the Old Gentleman,

Hobbling Into The House.

 

 

 

Sitting Down In his Stout Oak Chair To Rest Himself, He Stared in

Silence For A Time At The Changes That Haldane Had Wrought. At Last He

Commenced:

 

 

 

"Now, Jeremiah Growther, I Hope You Can See That You Are A Perfect Pig!

I Hope You Can See That Dirt And Confusion Are Your Nateral Elements;

And You Had To Live Like A Pig Till A Boy Just Out Of Jail Came To Show

You What It Was To Live Like A Decent Human. But You'Ve Been Showed

Before, And You'Ll Get Things Mixed up To-Morrow. A-A-H!

 

 

 

"Where'S That Young Fellow Goin' To Sleep To-Night? That'S None O' Your

Business. Yes, 'Tis My Business, Too. I'M Always Mighty Careful To Know

Where I'M