A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY by Edward Payson Roe (world of reading .txt) 📖

"Hanged if I Know! They Say That Them

That Gits Down Doesn'T Very Often Git Up Again. Yet I Know They Do

Sometimes."

 

 

 

"What Would You Do If You Were Me?"

 

 

 

"Hanged if I Know That Either! Sit Down And Cuss Myself To All Eternity,

Like Enough. I Feel Like Doin' It Sometimes As It Is. A-A-H!"

 

 

 

"I Think I Know A Way Out Of The Slough," Said Haldane More

Composedly--His Thoughts Recurring To His Literary Hopes--"And If I Do,

You Will Not Be Sorry."

 

 

 

"Of Course I Won'T Be Sorry. A Man Allers Hates One Who Holds A Mortgage

Against Him Which Is Sure To Be Foreclosed. That'S The Way The Devil'S

Got Me, And I Hate Him About As Bad As I Do Myself, And Spite Him Every

Chance I Git. Of Course, I'Ll Be Glad To See You Git Out Of His

Clutches; But He'S Got His Claws In you Deep, And He Holds On To A

Feller As If He'D Pull Him In two Before He'Ll Let Go."

 

 

 

"Mr. Growther, I Don'T Want To Get Into A Quarrel With You, For I Have

Found That You Are Very Touchy On A Certain Point; But I Cannot Help

Hinting That You Are Destined to Meet A Great Disappointment When

Through With Your Earthly Worry. I Wish My Chances Were As Good As

Yours."

 

 

 

"Now You Are Beginnin' To Talk Foolishly. I Shall Never Be Rid Of

Myself, And So Will Never Be Rid Of My Worry."

 

 

 

"Well, Well, We Won'T Discuss The Question; It'S Too Deep For Us Both;

But In my Judgment It Will Be A Great Piece Of Injustice If You Ever

Find A Warmer Place Than Your Own Hearthstone."

 

 

 

"That'S Mighty Hot, Sometimes, Boy; And, Besides, Your Judgment Hasn'T

Led you Very Straight So Far," Said The Old Man Testily. "But Don'T Talk

Of Such Things. I Don'T Want To Come To 'Em Till I Have To."

 

 

 

"Suppose I Should Become Rich And Famous, Mr. Growther," Said Haldane,

Changing The Subject; "Would You Let Me Take A Meal With You Then?"

 

 

 

"That Depends. If You Put On Any Airs I Wouldn'T."

 

 

 

"Good For You!"

 

 

 

"Oh, I'D Want To Make Much Of You, And Tell How I Helped you When You

Was Down, And So Git All The Reflected glory I Could Out Of You. I'Ve

Learned how My Sneakin' Old Speret Pints Every Time; But I'Ll Head It

Off, And Drive It Back As I Would A Fox Into Its Hole."

 

 

 

In Spite Of Some Rather Harrowing and Gloomy Thoughts On The Part Of Two

Of Them, The Four Inmates Of The Cottage Made A Very Comfortable Supper;

For Mr. Growther Always Insisted that Since His Cat And Dog Could "Stand

Him," They Should Fare As Well As He Did.

 

 

 

Having Cleared the Table, Haldane Lighted a Candle--Kerosene Lamps Were

An Abomination That Mr. Growther Would Not Abide--And Began Reading

Aloud The "Evening Spy." The Old Gentleman Half Listened and Half Dozed,

Pricking Up His Ears At Some Tale Of Trouble Or Crime, And Almost

Snoring Through Politics And Finance. At Last He Was Half Startled out

Of His Chair By A Loud, Wrathful Oath From Haldane.

 

 

 

"Look Here, Young Man," He Said; "The Devil Isn'T So Far Off From Either

Of Us That You Need shout For Him."

 

 

 

"True, Indeed! He Isn'T Far Off, And He Has Everything His Own Way In

This World. Listen To This"--And He Read With Sharp, Bitter Emphasis The

Following Editorial Paragraph, Headed "Unnatural Depravity":

 

 

 

"Being Ever Inclined to View Charitably The Faults And Failings Of

Others, And To Make Allowance For The Natural Giddiness Of Youth, We

Gave A Rather Lenient Estimate, Not Of The Crime Committed by Mr.

Arnot'S Clerk, Egbert Haldane, But Of The Young Man Himself. It Would

Seem That Our Disposition To Be Kindly Led us Into Error, For We Learn

From Our Most Respectable German Contemporary, Published in this City,

That This Same Unscrupulous Young Fraud Has Been Guilty Of The Meanness

Of Taking advantage Of A Poor Foreigner'S Ignorance Of Our Language.

Having Found It Impossible To Obtain Lodgings Among Those Posted in the

Current News Of The Day, And Thus To Impose On Any One To Whom He Was

Known, He Succeeded in obtaining Board Of A Respectable German, And Ran

Up As Large A Bill As Possible At The Bar, Of Course. When The Landlord

Of The Hotel And Restaurant At Last Asked for A Settlement, This Young

Scapegrace Had The Insolence To Insist That He Had Paid Every Cent Of

His Bill, Though He Had Not A Scrap Of Paper Or Proof To Support His

Assertion. Finding That This Game Of Bluster Would Not Succeed, And That

His Justly Incensed host Was About To Ask For His Arrest, He Speedily

Came Down From His High And Virtuous Mood, And Compromised by Pretending

To Offer All The Money He Had.

 

 

 

"This Was Undoubtedly A Mere Pretence, For He Had Worn A Valuable Watch

In The Morning, And Had Parted with It During The Day. Though The Sum He

Apparently Had Upon His Person Was Scarcely Half Payment, The

Kind-Hearted german Took Him At His Word, And Also Left Him Seventy-Five

Cents To Procure Lodgings Elsewhere. In what Role Of Crime He Will Next

Appear It Is Hard To Guess; But It Seems A Pity That Mr. Arnot Did Not

Give Him The Full Benefit Of The Law, For Thus The Community Would Have

Been Rid, For A Time At Least, Of One Who Can Serve His Day And

Generation Better At Breaking Stone Under The Direction Of The State

Than By Any Methods Of His Own Choosing. He Is One Of Those Phenomenal

Cases Of Unnatural Depravity; For, As Far As We Can Learn, He Comes From

A Home Of Wealth, Refinement, And Even Christian Culture. We Warn Our

Fellow-Citizens Against Him."

 

 

 

"A-A-A-H!" Ejaculated mr. Growther, In prolonged and Painful Utterance,

As If One Of His Teeth Had Just Been Drawn. "Now That Is Tough! I Don'T

Wonder You Think Satan Had A Finger In that Pie. Didn'T I Tell You The

Editors Made Up Half That'S In the Papers? I Don'T Know What Started

This Story. There'S Generally A Little Beginning, Like The Seed of A Big

Flauntin' Weed; But I Don'T Believe You Did So Mean A Thing. In fact, I

Don'T Think I'M Quite Mean Enough To Have Done It Myself."

 

 

 

"You, And Perhaps One Other Person, Will Be The Only Ones In town, Then,

Who Will Not Believe It Against Me. I Know I'Ve Acted wrong And Like A

Fool; But What Chance Has A Fellow When He Gets Credit For Evil Only,

And A Hundred-Fold More Evil Than Is In him? Curse It All! Since Every

One Insists That I Have Gone Wholly Over To The Devil, I Might As Well

Go."

 

 

 

"That'S It, That'S It! We'Re All Right At His Elbow, A-Helpin' Him

Along. But How Did This Story Start? The Scribbler In the German Paper

Couldn'T Have Spun It, Like A Spider, Hully Out Of His Own In'Ards."

 

 

 

Haldane Told Him The Whole Story, Sketching The "Kind-Hearted german" In

His True Colors.

 

 

 

At Its Conclusion Mr. Growther Drew A Long, Meditative Breath, And

Remarked sententiously, "Well, I'Ve Allers Heard That 'Sperience Was An

Awfully Dear School; But We Do Learn In it. I'Ll Bet My Head You Will

Never Pay Another Dollar Without Takin' A Receipt."

 

 

 

"What Chance Will I Ever Have To Make Another Dollar? They Have Raised a

Mad-Dog Cry Against Me, And I Shall Be Treated as If I Were A Dog."

 

 

 

"Why Don'T You Go Home, Then?"

 

 

 

"I'Ll Go To The Bottom Of The River First."

 

 

 

"That Would Suit The Devil, The Crabs, And The Eels," Remarked mr.

Growther.

 

 

 

"Faugh! Crabs And Eels!" Exclaimed haldane With A Shudder Of Disgust.

 

 

 

"That'S All You'D Find At The Bottom Of The River, Except Mud,"

Responded mr. Growther, Effectually Quenching all Tragic And Suicidal

Ideas By His Prosaic Statement Of The Facts. "Young Man," He Continued,

Tottering To His Feet, "I S'Pose You Realize That You Are In a Pretty

Bad Fix. I Ain'T Much Of A Mother At Comfortin'. When I Feel Most Sorry

For Any One I'M Most Crabbed. It'S One Of My Mean Ways. If There'S Many

Screws Loose In you, You Will Go Under. If You Are Rash, Or Cowardly, Or

Weak--That Is, Ready To Give Up-Like--You Will Make A Final Mess Of Your

Life; But If You Fight Your Way Up You'Ll Be A Good Deal Of A Man. Seems

To Me If I Was As Young And Strong As You Be, I'D Pitch In. I'D Spite

Myself; I'D Spite The Devil; I'D Beat The World; I'D Just Grit My Teeth,

And Go Fur Myself And Everything Else That Stood In my Way, And I'D Whip

'Em All Out, Or I'D Die A-Fightin'. But I'Ve Got So Old And Rheumatic

That All I Can Do Is Cuss. A-A-H!"

 

 

 

"I Will Take Your Advice--I Will Fight It Out," Exclaimed the Excitable

Youth With An Oath. Between Indignation And Desperation He Was

Thoroughly Aroused. He Already Cherished only Revenge Toward The World,

And He Was Catching The Old Man'S Vindictive Spirit Toward Himself.

 

 

 

Mr. Growther Seemed almost As Deeply Incensed as His Guest At The Gross

Injustice Of The Paragraph, Which, Nevertheless, Would Be Widely Copied,

And Create Public Opinion, And So Double The Difficulties In the Young

Man'S Way; And He Kept Up As Steady A Grumble And Growl As Had His

Sorely Disquieted dog In the Afternoon. But Haldane Lowered at The Fire

For A Long Time In silence.

 

 

 

"Well," Concluded the Quaint Old Cynic, "Matters Can'T Be Mended by

Swearin' At 'Em, Is Advice I Often Give Myself, But Never Take. I S'Pose

It'S Bed-Time. To-Morrow We Will Take Another Squint At Your Ugly

Fortunes, And See Which Side Pints Toward Daylight. Would You Mind

Readin' A Chapter In the Bible First?"

 

 

 

"What Have I To Do With The Bible?"

 

 

 

"Well, The Bible Has A Good Deal To Say About You And Most Other

People."

 

 

 

"Like Those Who Pretend To Believe It, It Has Nothing Good To Say About

Me. I'Ve Had About All The Hard Names I Can Stand For One Night."

 

 

 

"Read Where It Hits Some Other Folks, Then."

 

 

 

"Oh, I Will Read Anywhere You Like. It'S A Pity If I Can'T Do That Much

For Perhaps The Only One Now Left In the World Who Would Show Me A

Kindness."

 

 

 

"That'S A Good Fellow. There'S One Chapter I'D Like To Hear To-Night.

The Words Come Out So Strong And Hearty-Like That They Generally Express

Just My Feelin'S. Find The Twenty-Third Chapter Of Matthew, And Read

Where It Says, 'Woe Unto You, Scribes And Pharisees, Hypocrites.'"

 

 

 

Haldane Read The Chapter With Much Zest, Crediting all Its Denunciation

To Others, In accordance With A Very General Fashion. When He Came To

The Words, "Ye Serpents, Ye Generation Of Vipers," The Old Man Fairly

Rubbed his Hands Together In his Satisfaction, Exclaiming:

 

 

 

"That'S It! That'S Genuine! That'S Telling Us Sleek, Comfortable Sinners

The Truth Without Mincin'! No Smooth, Deludin' Lies In that Chapter.

That'S The Way To Talk To People Who Don'T Want Their Right Hand To Know

What Cussedness Their Left Hand Is Up To. Now, Jeremiah Growther, The

Next Time You Want To Do A Mean Thing That You Wouldn'T Have All The

Town Know, Just Remember What A Wrigglin' Snake In the Grass You Are."

 

 

 

With This Personal Exhortation Mr. Growther Brought The Evening To A

Close, And, Having Directed haldane To His Comfortable Quarters, Hobbled

And Mumbled off To An Adjoining Room, And Retired for The Night. The

Dying Fire Revealed for A Time The Slumbering Cat And Dog, But Gradually

The Quaint Old Kitchen Faded into A Blank Of Darkness.

 

Chapter XXV (A Paper Poniard)

Throughout An Early Breakfast Mr. Growther Appeared to Be Revolving Some

Subject In his Mind, And His Question, At Last, Was Only Seemingly

Abrupt, For It Came At The End Of Quite A Long Mental Altercation, In

Which, Of Course, He Took Sides Against Himself.

 

 

 

"I Say, Young Man, Do You Think You Could Stand Me?"

 

 

 

"What Do You Mean?" Asked haldane.

 

 

 

"Well, Before You Say