The Complete Works of William Shakespeare by William Shakespeare (book suggestions TXT) 📖

what needs these tricks?

THERSITES. Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk; thou art said to be Achilles’ male varlet.

PATROCLUS. Male varlet, you rogue! What’s that?

THERSITES. Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o’ gravel in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas, limekilns i’ th’ palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries!

PATROCLUS. Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus?

THERSITES. Do I curse thee?

PATROCLUS. Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.

THERSITES. No! Why art thou, then, exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleid silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pest’red with such waterflies-diminutives of nature!

PATROCLUS. Out, gall!

THERSITES. Finch egg!

ACHILLES. My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle.

Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,

A token from her daughter, my fair love, Both taxing me and gaging me to keep

An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.

Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay; My major vow lies here, this I’ll obey.

Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent; This night in banqueting must all be spent.

Away, Patroclus! Exit with PATROCLUS

THERSITES. With too much blood and too little brain these two may run mad; but, if with too much brain and to little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the primitive statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother’s leg-to what form but that he is, should wit larded with malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass, were nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny.

Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day!

sprites and fires!

 

Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights AGAMEMNON. We go wrong, we go wrong.

AJAX. No, yonder ‘tis;

There, where we see the lights.

HECTOR. I trouble you.

AJAX. No, not a whit.

 

Re-enter ACHILLES

 

ULYSSES. Here comes himself to guide you.

ACHILLES. Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.

AGAMEMNON. So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night; Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.

HECTOR. Thanks, and good night to the Greeks’ general.

MENELAUS. Good night, my lord.

HECTOR. Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.

THERSITES. Sweet draught! ‘Sweet’ quoth ‘a?

Sweet sink, sweet sewer!

ACHILLES. Good night and welcome, both at once, to those That go or tarry.

AGAMEMNON. Good night.

Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS

ACHILLES. Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed, Keep Hector company an hour or two.

DIOMEDES. I cannot, lord; I have important business, The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

HECTOR. Give me your hand.

ULYSSES. [Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent; I’ll keep you company.

TROILUS. Sweet sir, you honour me.

HECTOR. And so, good night.

Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following ACHILLES. Come, come, enter my tent.

Exeunt all but THERSITES

THERSITES. That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise, like Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell it: it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a Troyan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’ tent. I’ll after.

Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets! Exit

ACT V. SCENE 2.

The Grecian camp. Before CALCHAS’ tent

 

Enter DIOMEDES

 

DIOMEDES. What, are you up here, ho? Speak.

CALCHAS. [Within] Who calls?

DIOMEDES. Diomed. Calchas, I think. Where’s your daughter?

CALCHAS. [Within] She comes to you.

 

Enter TROILUS and ULYSSES, at a distance; after them THERSITES

 

ULYSSES. Stand where the torch may not discover us.

 

Enter CRESSIDA

 

TROILUS. Cressid comes forth to him.

DIOMEDES. How now, my charge!

CRESSIDA. Now, my sweet guardian! Hark, a word with you.

[Whispers]

TROILUS. Yea, so familiar!

ULYSSES. She will sing any man at first sight.

THERSITES. And any man may sing her, if he can take her cliff; she’s noted.

DIOMEDES. Will you remember?

CRESSIDA. Remember? Yes.

DIOMEDES. Nay, but do, then;

And let your mind be coupled with your words.

TROILUS. What shall she remember?

ULYSSES. List!

CRESSIDA. Sweet honey Greek, tempt me no more to folly.

THERSITES. Roguery!

DIOMEDES. Nay, then—

CRESSIDA. I’ll tell you what—

DIOMEDES. Fo, fo! come, tell a pin; you are a forsworn-CRESSIDA. In faith, I cannot. What would you have me do?

THERSITES. A juggling trick, to be secretly open.

DIOMEDES. What did you swear you would bestow on me?

CRESSIDA. I prithee, do not hold me to mine oath; Bid me do anything but that, sweet Greek.

DIOMEDES. Good night.

TROILUS. Hold, patience!

ULYSSES. How now, Troyan!

CRESSIDA. Diomed!

DIOMEDES. No, no, good night; I’ll be your fool no more.

TROILUS. Thy better must.

CRESSIDA. Hark! a word in your ear.

TROILUS. O plague and madness!

ULYSSES. You are moved, Prince; let us depart, I pray, Lest your displeasure should enlarge itself To wrathful terms. This place is dangerous; The time right deadly; I beseech you, go.

TROILUS. Behold, I pray you.

ULYSSES. Nay, good my lord, go off;

You flow to great distraction; come, my lord.

TROILUS. I prithee stay.

ULYSSES. You have not patience; come.

TROILUS. I pray you, stay; by hell and all hell’s torments, I will not speak a word.

DIOMEDES. And so, good night.

CRESSIDA. Nay, but you part in anger.

TROILUS. Doth that grieve thee? O withered truth!

ULYSSES. How now, my lord?

TROILUS. By Jove, I will be patient.

CRESSIDA. Guardian! Why, Greek!

DIOMEDES. Fo, fo! adieu! you palter.

CRESSIDA. In faith, I do not. Come hither once again.

ULYSSES. You shake, my lord, at something; will you go?

You will break out.

TROILUS. She strokes his cheek.

ULYSSES. Come, come.

TROILUS. Nay, stay; by Jove, I will not speak a word: There is between my will and all offences A guard of patience. Stay a little while.

THERSITES. How the devil luxury, with his fat rump and potato finger, tickles these together! Fry, lechery, fry!

DIOMEDES. But will you, then?

CRESSIDA. In faith, I will, lo; never trust me else.

DIOMEDES. Give me some token for the surety of it.

CRESSIDA. I’ll fetch you one. Exit ULYSSES. You have sworn patience.

TROILUS. Fear me not, my lord;

I will not be myself, nor have cognition Of what I feel. I am all patience.

 

Re-enter CRESSIDA

 

THERSITES. Now the pledge; now, now, now!

CRESSIDA. Here, Diomed, keep this sleeve.

TROILUS. O beauty! where is thy faith?

ULYSSES. My lord!

TROILUS. I will be patient; outwardly I will.

CRESSIDA. You look upon that sleeve; behold it well.

He lov’d me-O false wench!-Give’t me again.

DIOMEDES. Whose was’t?

CRESSIDA. It is no matter, now I ha’t again.

I will not meet with you tomorrow night.

I prithee, Diomed, visit me no more.

THERSITES. Now she sharpens. Well said, whetstone.

DIOMEDES. I shall have it.

CRESSIDA. What, this?

DIOMEDES. Ay, that.

CRESSIDA. O all you gods! O pretty, pretty pledge!

Thy master now lies thinking on his bed Of thee and me, and sighs, and takes my glove, And gives memorial dainty kisses to it, As I kiss thee. Nay, do not snatch it from me; He that takes that doth take my heart withal.

DIOMEDES. I had your heart before; this follows it.

TROILUS. I did swear patience.

CRESSIDA. You shall not have it, Diomed; faith, you shall not; I’ll give you something else.

DIOMEDES. I will have this. Whose was it?

CRESSIDA. It is no matter.

DIOMEDES. Come, tell me whose it was.

CRESSIDA. ‘Twas one’s that lov’d me better than you will.

But, now you have it, take it.

DIOMEDES. Whose was it?

CRESSIDA. By all Diana’s waiting women yond, And by herself, I will not tell you whose.

DIOMEDES. Tomorrow will I wear it on my helm, And grieve his spirit that dares not challenge it.

TROILUS. Wert thou the devil and wor’st it on thy horn, It should be challeng’d.

CRESSIDA. Well, well, ‘tis done, ‘tis past; and yet it is not; I will not keep my word.

DIOMEDES. Why, then farewell;

Thou never shalt mock Diomed again.

CRESSIDA. You shall not go. One cannot speak a word But it straight starts you.

DIOMEDES. I do not like this fooling.

THERSITES. Nor I, by Pluto; but that that likes not you Pleases me best.

DIOMEDES. What, shall I come? The hour—

CRESSIDA. Ay, come-O Jove! Do come. I shall be plagu’d.

DIOMEDES. Farewell till then.

CRESSIDA. Good night. I prithee come. Exit DIOMEDES

Troilus, farewell! One eye yet looks on thee; But with my heart the other eye doth see.

Ah, poor our sex! this fault in us I find, The error of our eye directs our mind.

What error leads must err; O, then conclude, Minds sway’d by eyes are full of turpitude. Exit THERSITES. A proof of strength she could not publish more, Unless she said ‘My mind is now turn’d whore.’

ULYSSES. All’s done, my lord.

TROILUS. It is.

ULYSSES. Why stay we, then?

TROILUS. To make a recordation to my soul Of every syllable that here was spoke.

But if I tell how these two did coact, Shall I not lie in publishing a truth?

Sith yet there is a credence in my heart, An esperance so obstinately strong,

That doth invert th’ attest of eyes and ears; As if those organs had deceptious functions Created only to calumniate.

Was Cressid here?

ULYSSES. I cannot conjure, Troyan.

TROILUS. She was not, sure.

ULYSSES. Most sure she was.

TROILUS. Why, my negation hath no taste of madness.

ULYSSES. Nor mine, my lord. Cressid was here but now.

TROILUS. Let it not be believ’d for womanhood.

Think, we had mothers; do not give advantage To stubborn critics, apt, without a theme, For depravation, to square the general sex By Cressid’s rule. Rather think this not Cressid.

ULYSSES. What hath she done, Prince, that can soil our mothers?

TROILUS. Nothing at all, unless that this were she.

THERSITES. Will ‘a swagger himself out on’s own eyes?

TROILUS. This she? No; this is Diomed’s Cressida.

If beauty have a soul, this is not she; If souls guide vows, if vows be sanctimonies, If sanctimony be the god’s delight,

If there be rule in unity itself,

This was not she. O madness of discourse, That cause sets up with and against itself!

Bifold authority! where reason can revolt Without perdition, and loss assume all reason Without revolt: this is, and is not, Cressid.

Within my soul there doth conduce a fight Of this strange nature, that a thing inseparate Divides more wider than the sky and earth; And yet the spacious breadth of this division Admits no orifex for a point as subtle As Ariachne’s broken woof to