A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY by Edward Payson Roe (world of reading .txt) 📖

Without Me."

 

 

 

"Now, Egbert, Be Sensible."

 

 

 

"What Am I To Do In this Secluded european Watering-Place, Where There

Are No Americans, And At Which We Are To Sojourn Indefinitely?"

 

 

 

"I Am Sure I Have Not Thought. Your Sisters, At Least, Can Venture Out

And Get A Breath Of Fresh Air. It Is Time You Thought Of Them Rather

Than Of Yourself. You Could Amuse Yourself With The Natives, Or By

Fishing and Hunting."

 

 

 

"Mother!" He Exclaimed, Impetuously, "I No Longer Desire To Merely Amuse

Myself. I Wish To Become A Man, In the Best Sense Of The Word."

 

 

 

Mrs. Haldane Evidently Experienced a Disagreeable Nervous Shock At The

Sudden Intensity Of His Manner, But She Said, With Rebuking Quietness:

 

 

 

"I Am Sure I Wish You To Become Such A Man, Thoroughly Well Bred, And

Thoroughly Under Self-Control. It Is My Purpose To Enable You To Appear

Like A Perfect Gentleman From This Time Forward, And I Expect That You

Will Be One."

 

 

 

"What Will I Be But A Well-Dressed nonentity? What Will I Be But A

Coward, Seeking To Get Away As Far As Possible From The Place Of My

Defeat, And To Hide From Its Consequences?" He Answered, With Sharp,

Bitter Emphasis.

 

 

 

"Egbert, Your Tendency To Exaggeration And Violent Speech Is More Than I

Can Bear In my Weak, Nervous Condition. When You Have Thought This

Matter Over Calmly, And Have Realized how I And Your Sisters Feel, You

Will See That We Are Right--That Is, If Dr. Marks Is Correct, And You Do

Really Wish To Atone For The Past As Far As It Now Can Be Done."

 

 

 

The Young Man Paced restlessly Up And Down The Room In an Agitated

Manner, Which Greatly Disquieted his Mother And Sisters.

 

 

 

"Can You Not Realize," He At Last Burst Out, "That I, Also, Have A

Conscience? That I Am No Longer A Child? And That I Cannot See Things As

You Do?"

 

 

 

"Egbert," Exclaimed his Elder Sister, Lifting Her Hand Deprecatingly,

"We Are Not Deaf."

 

 

 

"If You Will Only Follow Your Conscience," Continued mrs. Haldane, In

Her Low Monotone, "All Will Be Well. It Is Your Being Carried away By

Gusts Of Impulse And Violent Passions That Makes All The Trouble. If You

Had Followed your Conscience You Would At Once Have Left Hillaton At My

Request, And Hidden Yourself In the Seclusion That I Indicated. If You

Had Done So, You Might Have Saved yourself And Us From All That Has

Since Occurred."

 

 

 

"But I Would Have Lost My Self-Respect. I Should Have Done Worse--"

 

 

 

"Self-Respect!" Interrupted his Mother, With An Expression Akin To

Disgust Flitting across Her Pale Face. "How Can You Use That Word After

What Has Happened, And Especially Now That You Are Working among Those

Vulgar Factory People, And Living With That Profane Old Creature Who

Goes By The Name Of 'Jerry Growler.' To Think That You, Who Bear Your

Father'S Name, Should Have Fallen So Low! The Daily And Hourly

Mortification Of Thinking Of All This, Here, Where For So Many Years

There Was Not A Speck Upon Our Family Reputation, Is More Than Flesh And

Blood Can Endure. Our Only Course Now Is To Go Away Where We Are Not

Known. Our Best Hope Is To Make You Appear Like What Your Father Meant

You Should Be, And Try To Forget That You Have Been Anything Else; And

If You Have Any Sense Of Obligation To Us Left You Will Do What You Can

To Carry Out Our Efforts. Dr. Marks Thinks You Have Met With 'A Change

Of Heart.' I Am Sure Yon Can Prove It In no Better Way Than By A Docile

Acquiescence In the Wishes Of One Who Has A Natural Right To Control

You, And Whose Teachings," She Added complacently, "Had They Been

Followed, Would Have Enabled you To Hold Up Your Head To-Day Among The

Proudest In the Land."

 

 

 

Haldane Buried his Face In his Hands, And Fairly Groaned, In his

Disappointment And Sense Of Humiliation.

 

 

 

"Is It Possible," Asked one Of His Sisters "That You Thought That We

Could All Go Out To Church To-Day As Usual, And Commence Life To-Morrow

Where He Left Off When You First Went Away From Home?"

 

 

 

"I Expected nothing Of The Kind," Said Her Brother, Lifting Up A Face

That Was Pale From Suppressed feeling; "The Fact Is, I Have Thought

Little About All This That Is Uppermost In your Minds. I Have Been All

Through The Phase Of Shrinking From The World'S Word And Touch, As If My

Whole Being Were A Diseased nerve. While In that Condition I Suffered

Enough, God Knows; But Even In the Police Court I Was Not Made To Feel

More Thoroughly That I Was A Disgraced criminal Than I Have Been Here,

In My Childhood'S Home. Perhaps You Can'T Help Your Feeling; But The

Result Is All The Same. Through The Influence Of A Woman Who Belongs To

Heaven Rather Than Earth, I Was Led to Forget The World And All About

It; I Was Led to Wish To Form A Good Character For Its Own Sake. I

Wanted to Be Rid Of The Debasing Vices Of My Nature Which She Had Made

Me Hate, And Which Would Separate Me From Such As She Is. I Wanted your

Forgiveness, Mother. More Than All, I Wanted god'S Forgiveness, And That

Great Change In my Nature Which He Alone Can Bestow. I Felt That Dr.

Marks Could Help Me, Because I Believed in him; And He Did Carry Me, As

It Were, To The Very Gate Of Heaven. I Expected, At Least, A Little

Sympathy From You All, And A God-Speed as I Went Back To My Work

Tomorrow. I Even Hoped that You Might Take Me By The Hand, And Say To

Those Who Knew Us Here, 'My Son Was Lost, But Is Found. He Wishes To

Live A Manly, Christian Life, And All Who Are Christians Should Help

Him.' I Find, On The Contrary, That Christ And His Words Are Forgotten;

That I Am Regarded as A Hideous And Deformed creature, That Must Be

Disguised as Far As Possible, And Spirited off To Some Remote Corner Of

The Earth, And There Virtually Buried alive. Thus Different Are The

Teachings Of The Bible And The Teachings Of The World. I Thought I Could

Not Endure My Hard Lot At Hillaton Any Longer, But I Shall Go Back To It

Quite Content."

 

 

 

As The Youth Uttered these Words, With His Usual Impetuosity, His Mother

Could Only Weep And Tremble In her Weak And Nervous Way; But His Sisters

Exclaimed:

 

 

 

"Go Back To Your Old Mill-Life At Hillaton!"

 

 

 

"Yes, By The First Train, To-Morrow."

 

 

 

"Well!" They Chorused, With A Long Breath, But As All Language Seemed

Inadequate They Added nothing To Their Exclamation.

 

 

 

Mrs. Haldane Slowly Wiped her Eyes, And Said, "Egbert Is Excited now,

And Does Not Realize How We Feel. After He Has Thought It All Over

Quietly He Will See Things In a Different Light, And Will Perceive That

He Should Take Counsel From His Mother Rather Than From A Stranger"

(With Peculiar Emphasis On This Word). "If He Really Wishes To Do His

Duty As A Christian Man, He Will See That The First And Most Sacred

Obligations Resting On Him Are To Us And Not To Others, Even Though They

May Be More Angelic Than We Are. You Promised last Evening That It Would

Be Your Life-Effort To Make Amends For The Wrongs You Have Inflicted

Upon Us; And Going Back To Your Old, Sordid Life And Vulgar Associations

Would Be A Strange Way Of Keeping This Pledge. I Suggest That We All

Retire To Our Rooms, And In the After Part Of The Day We Shall Be

Calmer, And Therefore More Rational;" And The Ladies Quietly Glided out,

Like Black Shadows. Indeed, They And Their Lives Had Become Little More

Than Attenuated shadows.

 

 

 

There Is Nothing Which So Thoroughly Depletes And Robs Moral Character

Of All Substance--There Is Nothing Which So Effectually Destroys All

Robust Individuality--As The Continuous Asking Of The Question, "What

Will, People Say?"

 

 

 

Poor Haldane Went To His Room, And Paced it By The Hour. He Had Learned

Thus Early That The Christian Life Was Not Made Up Of Sacred and

Beatific Emotions, Under The Influence Of Which Duty Would Become An

Easy, Sun-Illumined path.

 

 

 

He Already Was In sore Perplexity As To What His Duty Was In this

Instance. Ought He Not To Devote Himself To His Mother And Sisters, And

Hope That Time Would Bring a Healthful Change In their Morbid Feeling?

Surely What They Asked would Not Seem Hard In the World'S Estimation--A

Trip To Europe, And A Life Of Luxurious Ease And Amusement--For Society

Would Agree With His Mother, That He Could Be As Good And Christian-Like

As He Pleased in the Meantime. The Majority Would Say That If He Could

In Part Make Amends By Acquiescence In so Reasonable A Request, And One

That Promised so Much Of Pleasure And Advantage To Himself, He Ought

Certainly To Yield.

 

 

 

But All That Was Good And Manly In the Young Fellow'S Nature Rose Up

Against The Plan. In the First Place, He Instinctively Felt That His

Mother And Sisters' Views On Nearly All Subjects Would Be Continually At

Variance With His Own, Since They Were Coming To Look At Life From Such

Totally Different Standpoints. He Also Believed that He Would Be An

Ever-Present Burden And Source Of Mortification To Them. As A Child And

A Boy He Had Been Their Idol. They Had Looked forward To The Time When

He, With Irreproachable Manners And Reputation, Would Become Their

Escort In the Exclusive Circles In which They Were Entitled to Move. Now

He Was And Would Continue To Be The Insuperable Bar To Those Circles;

And By Their Sighs And Manner He Would Be Continually Reminded of This

Fact. Fallen Idols Are A Perpetual Offence To Their Former Worshippers,

As They Ever Remind Of The Downfall Of Towering Hopes.

 

 

 

With All His Faults, Haldane Had Too Much Spirit To Go Through Life As

One Who Must Be Tolerated, Endured, Kept In the Background, And

Concerning Whom No Questions Must Be Asked.

 

 

 

He Did Think The Matter Over Long And Carefully, And Concluded that Even

For His Mother And Sisters' Sake It Would Be Best That They Should Live

Apart. If He Could Thoroughly Retrieve His Character Where He Had Lost

It, They Would Be Reconciled to Him; If He Could Not, He Would Be Less

Of A Burden And A Mortification Absent Than Present.

 

 

 

When He Considered his Own Feelings, The Thought Of Skulking and Hiding

Through Life Made His Cheek Tingle With Shame And Disgust. Conscience

Sided with His Inclination To Go Back To His Old, Hard Fight At

Hillaton; And It Also Appeared to Him That He Could There Better

Maintain A Christian Life, In spite Of All The Odds Against Him, Than By

Taking The Enervating Course Marked out By His Mother. He Also

Remembered, With A Faint Thrill Of Hope, That Whatever Recognition He

Could Get At Hillaton As A Changed, A Better Man, It Would Be Based on

The Rock Of Truth.

 

 

 

He Therefore Concluded to Go Back As He Had Intended, And With The

Decision Came His Former, Happy, Mystical Feeling, Welling Up In his

Heart Like The Sweet Refreshing Waters Of A Spring, The Consciousness Of

Which Filled his Heart With Courage And Confidence As To The Future.

 

 

 

"Surely," He Exclaimed, "I Am A Changed, A Converted man. These Strange,

Sweet Emotions, This Unspeakable Gladness Of Heart In the Midst Of So

Much That Is Painful And Distracting, Prove That I Am. I Have Not Taken

This Journey In vain."

 

 

 

Haldane Met Only His Sisters At Dinner, For The Scene Of The Morning Had

Prostrated his Mother With A Nervous Headache. In spite Of His Efforts,

It Was A Constrained and Dismal Affair, And All Were Glad When It Was

Over.

 

 

 

In The Evening They All Met In mrs. Haldane'S Room, And The Young Man

Told Them His Decision So Firmly And Quietly That, While They Were Both

Surprised and Angry, They Saw It Was Useless To Remonstrate. He Next

Drew Such A Dreary Picture Of The Future As They Had Designed it, That

They Were Half Inclined to Think He Was Right, And That His Presence

Would Be A Greater Source Of Pain Than Of Comfort To Them. He Also

Convinced them That It Would Be Less Embarrassing For Them To Go To

Europe Alone Than With His Escort, And That The Plan Of Going abroad

Need not Be Given Up.

 

 

 

But Mrs. Haldane Was Strenuous On The Point That He Should Leave

Hillaton, Accept Of Her Old Offer, And Live A Quiet, Respectable Life In

Some Retired place Where He Was Not Known.

 

 

 

"I Will Not Have It Said," She Persisted, "That My Son Is Working as A

Common Factory Hand, Nor Will I Have Our Name Associated with That

Wretched old Creature Whose Profanity And General Outlandishness Are The

Town-Talk And The