Inside by A. D. (always you kirsty moseley txt) 📖

Journal Enrty #3               6/15/17          9:39am

About 3 days have passed and still no Stephen.It should bother me but it doesn't.I literally don't know why I said yes to dating him.You say yes when you actually like the person not when you don't...I'm so lost that I've been trying to find familiar things that once made me feel alive.Stephen was one of those things but that was like 7 years ago.I'm not a shy 13 year old anymore and he's not him anymore.It's different and I can't be the only one feeling this way.There's no one I can turn too.No one who wants to listen to me.Not even God.If there is even a God which I came to the conclusion I don't care if there is or not.Either way he didn't help me like everyone else says he would.Nothing gets an inch better and I'm fallening deeper and deeper into a hole.Honestly losing faith wasn't a big deal.I didn't stop believeing just cause I wanted to but because God wanted me too.He hates me or something and that's okay cause everyone else does too.I mean even my own mother deep down hates me.So why would I even try to be happy with a relationship.I don't know maybe cause Im stupid.I'm so fucking stupid that I can't even get a job by myself.Cause obviously I'm doing it all wrong.Nobody gives me a call back and I call a lot.Every which way I try to help myself I get denied.So tell me...Am I just supposed to die or something?Am I an abomination?Was I literally just a mistake?A mistake to the world.A mistake to my parents.A mistake to God.Cause I'm starting to think and feel like I am.This shit really has me thinking about a mental home.Only because I really don't want to die but this mind I have just won't stop.It won't stop destroying me every fucking day of my worthless life.I used to pray every night.Just to ask why.Why am I so crazy?Why am I different?Why is it so hard for me to make friends?Why can't I love someone?Why doesn't anyone love me?Why am I here?I wished that my mind would just shut up.Leave me alone for once.So I can relax and sleep comfortably without the thoughts surrounding me.It has literally taken my life.I can't even go out without feeling like I'm a alien.My throat hurts and I can't breathe when I'm out in public.I can shop comfortably because all I'm thinking about is getting home.Just writing this doesn't even make sense.How can anybody understand me if I don't even know what's going on my self?

   I hate being this person.The person who is just put on the back burning because I'm nice.I'm always being treated like shit no matter what I do.Always being taken advantage of.It all comes back to being too nice.

Well I'm done with that bullshit.It ends now.This life is mine.I'm in charge of my own being,so why am I so hung up on what people think of me...It's life.It's the way us humans were programmed.Constantly judging each other like we're any better.

It's girls mostly.You hate someone else because you think they are prettier then you.Or that girl has acne.Or she's so thin I want to be like that.Stop comparing yourselves.The way you were born is unique.Nobody else looks like you but you.You should appreciate that.I do.

Do what makes you happy.If putting on makeup everyday is what makes you happy then do that.Dressing in boy clothes or girl clothes whatever.Just do what is you.I promise you will be a lot happier when you stop giving a shit.

Who the hell cares what your parents think.Or your friends and family.Even strangers.Fuck them all.Just smile.

That's what I'm doing.Being me without even caring who's around me.I'm happy when I'm skinny and shopping.When I'm smoking a fat joint on the beach by myself.At home getting trashed with some friends.That's what makes me happy.

So starting today I'm going to go on a major diet.I've already cut my hair straight across and I'm ready to complete the look.I want to be 108 again.I used to be 104 but that's just too thin.I want to be a cute thin not a too thin.It's going to be hard knowing that recently I can't seem to get away from food.I've been having a few issues but it's not too late to turn the wagon around.

I don't exactly know how much I weigh right now.I kinda don't want to know but in order to get to that point again I have to.If it's too big it'll give me a boost to cut all fat food out.I used to be a queen at it really.I would go for weeks without eating and feel great.They all hated it so much when I wouldn't eat.I got really small really quick but I was happy.

For a split moment in my fucked up life I was happy.Or maybe I was satisfied.I don't know.But what I do know is that it was a great feeling.I want to feel that again.I want to feel something cause right now I don't feel nothing.

I just get high all the time.Then I sleep the day away.I should be at least getting skinny while I'm wasting away.Right?

So join me on my journey of getting thin.Together we can create a masterpiece.Something both you and I know we can do if we just put our minds to it.Who knows maybe you too will find this helpful.You could start your own as well and let me know about your progress and achievements.

So long for now.I will be writing about my journey here.So stay tuned if you want.I will do this and you all will see it.Right here live.

Journal Entry #14         9/5/17          9:07pm

I just need something.Anything.I'll try it if it's going to make this all go away.I have no idea what's going on and it really sucks when it hits.It doesn't even hit whenever.It's everyday.Following me everywhere I go.It's not something I can shake.Believe me if I could I would be fine.There is no real cure.Drugs get old and the feelings start to unfold.So what next?After the meds don't work.After the self harming.After the self medicating.What next cause I'm still the same if not worse.I mean I never wanted to kill myself before until just a year ago.You never understand how someone could feel so low to the point they feel like dieing until your there.I don't mean the whole something goes wrong.I mean you have thoughts.Hopelessness.Thoughts that are almost impossible to control.So how long do I have?How long before it gets worse.How long before I can't stop myself?Will I be able to everytime?Will the faces of animals be enough?Cause sometimes it's not.Sometimes I want to just do it.Risk the lives of others.Let go of all the stress.Of everything.Leave it all behind cause I'm mentally done.I can't stop it.They just roll in like tides.One after another.I always wonder if I'd be at peace.If it would all be over.All these thought or what ever this is would be gone possibly makes me want to do it even more.Everyday is more than just a fight.It's survival.Wanting to live and die at the same time isn't easy.It's like being two completely different people in one.With other personalities added on.It's really a lot to handle and no body understands but me.No one will ever know what I feel and deal with each day.They will say they do but they really don't.When it's bad it's bad and you keep it to yourself.Scared of nothing but something.People keep pushing cause all they want is money and they have no idea how it makes me feel.Yes I will get a job and no I will not pay.When I do it will take a toll on my body and self esteem.Anybody talks or tries to change it will be removed from my life.And yes alcohol will be a bill and I will drink when I want and how I want.Forget about the family trips cause I'm dropping out.I want to be alone and that's it.I may not have the confidence to be a stripper or a pornstar but one day I will.I will keep my money somewhere hidden and not in a bank account.I don't trust anybody.It takes one fight and they are doing you foul.I've learned not to trust anybody from family.No body has your back and the sooner you realize that the sooner your life will be better.Before I do anything fun I will save and save and save.Get a home by myself with my animals.Yes I am afriad of the dark but that's what lots of lights are for.I'll even sleep with my bedroom light on if it's that bad.Which it probably won't be when I get settled in.I have two pitts I think I'm covered.
 

  Lots of things have been happening in such a small time frame that it is scary.For starters I quit my job due to coworkers constantly talking behind my back.Saying things like they had a plan.For what I had no idea.It was a hard desicion to make but the GM wasn't doing anything about it.

Second for some odd reason that I can't even explain some of my friends wanted to switch up.We were all supposed to go see Wiz Kahlifa together but Bre had other intentions I guess.She started making up lie after lie like she always did for no reason which