Inside by A. D. (always you kirsty moseley txt) 📖

made my sister mad.They started arguing over fb and next thing I knew they were calling us out to fight.

 

Long story short our friend Tyler that we had grown up with had tooken their side.Strangers to him.He tried to grab my sister off of Gerty whom she was beating up.I pushed him away from her and told him don't touch my sister.In return he punched me in the back right between my shoulder blades.When I went to turn around to defend my self, I was shocked to see that it had been him who had hit me.

 

He then grabbed me holding me down.I still have the bruises on my arms from how tight he was holding me.As he held me down he let Bre the girl who I knew for 2 years beat on me.At this point he had thrown me to the ground and she still came after me.I kicked her in the stomache so hard she lost her breath giving me enough time to get to my feet.

 

Did I fire on her after that?No I didn't cause to me we were good friends and I had nothing to do with any of it.I was confused.She then tried telling me we were family and I looked at her in disgust.I told her she wasn't my fam and foul for putting her hands on me for no reason.For someone she didn't even know.

 

This is a perfect example of not to trust anyone.You may think you know someone but you really don't.You can know them your whole life and then have them beating on you for no reason.Male or female you have to watch your own back cause I garuntee nobody is watching yours.That's why I stay paronoid.

 

But they didn't get away with any of it.No bad guy does really.Tyler later went to jail for trying to bring cocaine, meth, and pot on base grounds.Bre had promised to pay his bail from what I heard and failed due to being on lock down by her husband Chris whom she was cheating on.Both her and Gerty got tickets.Gerty was kicked off base and as a result lost her job.

 

Today 5/4/18 Breyanna Woods was arrested for child abuse.She was stopped at the marine base gate due to strong smell of pot.Searched and charged with a DUI let alone child indangerment.She had left her two infant daughters alone at her house for hours.Her kids also showed signs of starvation.

 

I don't know why any of them would think they would get away with any of it.Karma is a very real thing.This time it acted faster than any of us thought.

Dear Whoever

 I've been kinda depressed lately.If you haven't already noticed.But who isn't in this fucked up world.This shit sucks.It really does.

 

I was born to a broken family already.Come to find out later that I wasn't even wanted.I was supposed to be aborted.I can't help but think sometimes that maybe I would have been better off.I wouldn't be so messed up you know...

 

After my sister my parents got a divorce.We practically lived in shit my entire life.When I was 7 my father and his girlfriend got into a car wreck and died.I never got along with him so it didn't affect me like it should have.That man was an abusive alcoholic.He starved me for crying out loud.But that was okay because it was court ordered that I go see him.

 

That's when everything started to fall apart.I never really realized it.I was just a child then.All I knew is that I hated the man that I was supposed to call father and was in love with my mother.Right before she went crazy or whatever happened to her tweaked brain.

 

She was such a great mom when we were all young but as soon as we hit 12 she changed.Started treating people like shit.Starting pointless fights and drama with anyone she came into contact with.She became an irritation over the years.It shouldn't be like that at all.

 

I grew a lone wolf.All through school I'd rather be alone.I fucked it off mostly.School was beneath me.The kids were too.They were all the same.With their slutty outfits matching the girl next to them.

 

Making girl friends was impossible for me.Lets just say I get along with the boys more.All I wanted to do was drink, smoke, and chill.In that order only.The kids at the school were all about parties and who hooked up with who.Fuck that drama shit man.I had a few older people who respected me.It's all about keeping your circle small.

 

But of course years go by.Things change.People change.And still I sit alone in my room.I'm not bored though.I don't feel alone anymore.I got my weed and that's all I really need.Right?

 

I don't know when or how my disorder came too.What I do know is that I didn't just wake up like this one day.It was something I was born with.Just never really noticed it.But when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder it all started to make sense.

 

The way I was.The way I did things.The way it ws hard for me to stay in one place.It was always hard.My whole life I remember constant change in who I was.I changed so much in just days that I didn't even know who I was.I still don't.

 

I could be nice and shy one moment.The next be looking for a fight.I had my fair share in drugs and booze but nothing seems to keep me sane like marijuana.Most call it a drug but I call it my come back.It brings me back to a good place.

 

I can't even go out of my house with out smoking.My anxiety is through the roof at times which is where weed comes into play.It helps me do things.Go out into the world and do everyday things that a normal person who think was normal.To me it's like being exposed.With no where to run and hide.

 

Scary right?It's like wanted to talk but you can't speak.Wanting to run but you can't move.Being sufficated is how I feel in public.It's a horrible feeling that just makes you want to die.I would never wish thiis apon anyone.Cause when it gets dark and no one can help you is the worst.I understand cause this is how I felt my whole life.

Dear Whoever

Journal Entry  #12             8/4/17       9:53pm

 

    It's starting all over again.I can't run from it.I can't hide from it.There is nothing that I can do to stop it.I feel more helpless then ever.Not knowing how to fix yourself is kinda a big problem.I've tried medication.I've even changed therapists.Nothing seems to work anymore.I actually seem to be getting worse.I have no modivation whats so ever and I can't find anything to change that.I feel ugly and alone most of the time.It physically hurts me to look at myself in the mirror.My mind is constantly hounding me about my weight and these suicidal thoughts don't don't really make it any better.I can't control them and sometimes they get a little much.I'm able to talk myself down from time to time but I fear one day my sister or my animalsmay not be enough to bring me back down.I grow more scared each day and my whole body feels rotten.I wonder if I push myself to go work if I'll kill myself faster.Will I feel confident again or will I just feel worse.What if I do it all.Go to college as well.Will it all be for nothing?Even with success will I still feel like dying?I just don't want to work so hard and in the end feel like it was all for nothing.It would be a waste of time.A waste of teachings.Cause if I'm not happy still then I rather just save myself the heart ache.I'd rather give up now then later when I have it all.It's not like I want to give up.It's just 19 years is a long time to bare the pain that my mind has caused.I'm getting tired of pretending that I can be saved.Tired of pushing through for what?Some one who probably doesn't even love me like I do them.Cause let's be honest like friends family does not exisit.They will turn their backs on you just as fast cause that's life.You were born alone and you will die alone.We all are alone.No one really cares.About anything.They don't care that everynight you cry softly to yourself instead of sleeping.They don't care that you have socail anxiety.They don't care that you want to die.If they did they would see it.They would look right through you and be there for you every step of the way.But when you cry out no one will be there.Just the darkness taking a whole of your spirit.They are your demons not heirs.Yours.You fight them alone or you let them swallow you whole.It's your choice and I know this.My inner demos are at war right now and I'm feeling pretty hopeless.I'm vering into the danger zone and I'm trying to fight really I am but how can I fight when I'm paralyzed.I said it a million times before and of course I'm going to say it again...I need help.I need somebody to tell me it's going to be okay and I won't feel ike this forever.Please help me before it's too late.

Dear Whoever

So I've been running around like a fat chicken with it's head cut off.I'm so big that I'm afraid to weigh my self.It's horrible when you don't really look at yourself in the mirror.I just get disgusted.No one should have to feel like that but I do.

 

When you have a eating disorder it's there for life.There is no getting better.There is no running from it.It's always there.It may be calmed down right now but it will come back.You can never fix it.It's life