The Not News by Lorraine Voss (web ebook reader .txt) 📖

... the NOT news ...

Welsh woman gains six stone after misinterpreting advice from a cross channel swimming coach.

A 43 year old, divorced mother of four from Tredegar in South Wales recently sued her swimming coach for damages after she misinterpreted his advice to ‘cover herself in lard’ before attempting to swim the English Channel. The woman (who wishes to remain annonymous) said that in the ‘Valleys’ area of South Wales ‘Lard’ is a common name for excess body weight. When asked to provide a specific example she said that ‘lard arse’ was an insult frequently directed toward people who over-indulge in the pie and cake department.
The woman maintained that as a result of the misundertanding she went on to spend an estimate of £8,950 at her local drive through burger bar, £4,375 at a nearby sandwich and cake shop and and £3,387 on supermarket own brand milk shakes.
The woman told the hearing that she initially found it quite difficult to gain weight because her exercise and swim training routines were so intensive. She found that the only way she could free up enough time to consume food in the quantities required was to scale back the training. As soon as she made the decision to work-out less the pounds began to pile on quickly and at this point she was reasonably happy with the results. However, three months and four and a half stone into the plan her swimming coach took her to one side and voiced some ‘professional concerns’ regarding her extraordinary weight gain and rapidly diminishing fitness levels. It was during this conversation that the misunderstanding re: ‘Lard’ came to light.
The coach apologied for the misunderstanding and offered to provide free, intensive training sessions for as long as it would take for the woman to regain her previous 34-25-35 figure. The woman believed this was quiet simply ‘too little too late’ a view which was apparently shared by the judge.
The coach was ordered to pay damages equivalent to the amount spent in order to gain four and a half stone which came to a total of £11,141 This was broken down as £5,966 for highly calorific food and beverage; £180 for 4 Speedo swimming costumes in ever increasing sizes and £23.88 for extra antiperspirant.
In summing up the judge added that the cost of gaining the additional stone and half that was put on after the conversation that brought to light the ‘lard’ misunderstanding should not have to be met by the coach. When asked why she continued to eat in excessive amounts after the facts had come to light the woman said:
‘Ummm, good question! Swim to France or cake and milkshake? Hang on, lemme fink ...’


Nana’s Target Pickpocket Crime

South Wales Police have commended a new scheme which has been set up in Cardiff City Centre.
Stitch ‘em Up: A service designed to combat the ever increasing problem of pickpocket crime is the brainchild of Ms Olwen Davies from Penarth.
In a recent interview for the NOT news Ms. Davies said:
‘I was sick to the back teeth of losing my credit cards and other valuables to goddamn junkie pickpockets and so were most of my friends. We decided to form an anti-nicking cooperative and the service, which is now fully up and running, is operated mainly by elderly, female volunteer workers. All of our ladies have a great deal of needle work experience. Some have even worked for Nestle knitting Shreddies.’
‘We have Stitchers and Unpickers situated at each end of what the police consider to be the most affected streets and also at the entrance and exit areas of the undercover shopping precincts. For a reasonable fee (to cover admin costs) our Stitchers will quickly and efficiently secure pockets and handbag openings with heavy duty polyester thread. The shopper will be issued with a ticket which an then be handed to any one of the cities Unpickers before 6pm . Shoppers who are particularly worried that they may become pickpocket victims on their way home can of course opt to do their own unpicking once they reach the relative safety of their destination.’ There will however, be no reduction in the charge if they do decide to do this.
A police spokesman said:
‘In the three months since this scheme was put into place we have seen figures for the reporting of personal theft crime go through the floor. This reduction in crime has had the additional positive effect of freeing up more time for officers to nip out and score pre-packed sandwiches and sugar free red bull from Tesco’s garage.
City centre shop keepers, in opposition to the police, were less keen on the scheme and many were quick to highlight the problem that shoppers with their pockets sewn shut were much less likely to make unplanned purchases. One store manager added: ‘Most retail surveys indicate that spontaneous purchasing is responsible for 65% of the public spending on the UK high street. These silly Nanas with their silly schemes should do some market research and consider the knock on effect of their cooperative. Their provisional figures suggest that as a result of their stitch up operation there will be no shopper directed pickpocket crime within eighteen months. I tend to agee with these figures ... I also think that within the same time scale there will be NO SHOPS !
A spokeman for Tesco said, It sounds great to me! ... Bring it on!


Greek God Helios bails out mankind in global warming fiasco

Derek Helious: Great, great, great, great , great, great grandson of the famous Greek Sun God ‘Helious’ made an unprecidented public appearance in Colwyn Bay this morning at a rally staged by ‘anti global warming’ protestors.
In an interview with ‘the NOT news,’ Lucinda Chetwynd-Talbot, of Bron-y-Nant said:
‘We were all were absolutely gob smacked! We’d met up outside my house, hoisted our placards and started marching. The plan was to pick up like minded stragglers along the way. We were just on the outskirts of Colwyn when this foreign looking bloke pulled up in a 1976 Petropoulos Unitrak 4x4. Of course all the blokes were just interested in the vehicle but felicity and I (having no particular interest in Greek 70’s off roaders) introduced ourselves to the driver and chatted a little about our cause.’
‘Anyway, turns out he knew exactly what we were trying to achieve and apparently he’d been sent by a relative to deliver some important and extremely relevant information. It was a long winded story that basically boiled down to the fact that this bloke’s great, great, blah, blah, blah, grandfather, who’s miraculously still alive (I don’t ask questions if the results are good) has the power to dim down the Sun. He said he’d had to do it once before during the mid seventeenth century and as there seemed to be no long term ill effects (so long as you discount a really minor, mini ice age) he would could see no problem with repeating the exercise, especially, he said: ‘if it means helping you folks out with this infuriating global warming thingy.’
Marcus Llewelyn, science undergraduate with the O.U. and fellow ‘anti global warming’ rally supporter said:
‘To be honest, me and the rest of the blokes kinda thought he was full of shit. You get some right nutters around here in the summertime. Awesome wheels though fair play!
When asked for a proper scientific opinion a spokesperson for a very important university said: ‘Well we have undertaken some studies and the results seem to indicate that the Sun is actually the quietest it has been for a very long time. As to why this has happened? Well, quite frankly we’re baffled! The general consensus is that the reason is unclear. We are equally unclear about when and indeed ‘if’ the matter will become clear.
In a closing statement he added: ‘We can however, state with absolute certainty that the current dimming will NOT reverse the rise in global temperatures in any way shape or form. When asked if he had solid evidence to back up the statement he said, no, but I have got a P.H.D.


Ronnie takes the Reins at Pupilless Primary

The headship of pupilless primary school Capel Iwan near Newcastle Emlyn in Carmarthenshire was offered today to Mrs. Veronica Smart of Brechfa.
Mrs Smart (52) formally accepted the position and said: ‘I can’t wait to start work! I very much intend to put my own stamp on the establishment. I‘ll be implementing some fairly radical changes as well as putting in place some new objectives that should see SAT scores go through the roof.’
When asked if she was aware that ‘Capel Iwan’ had a predicted pupil intake total of ‘nil’ for September 2010 she said: ‘If you take a close look at the way education figures are worked out you’ll notice that this lack of numbers will make very little difference to our place in the league tables. I also predict that it will have virtually no effect on the day to day running of the school. I think I have the ability to perform exceptionally well in this role regardless of the lack of actual children.’
‘I discussed a plan of action with the board of governors during my interview and we are in complete agreement regarding the best way forward.’
‘Breakfast club; toddlers playgroup and after school club (all which also have a predicted uptake of zero for 2010) will receive extra funding. We will be employing two additional members of staff, each with a minimum of ‘level 3’ in childcare. This will ensure that any parents with small children who might move into the area will be impresses by our credentials. Our three year old setting will continue exactly as it is for at least another year because most of the funding for this has already been spent staff outings, instant frothy coffee and tins of Quality Street.’
Before I go; if anyone knows any three years olds (including those who may be living outside of the catchment area; the county; the country or the European Union) who would like to attend this year, please email me. Preferably before the beginning of the term or failing that, anytime!’

Veronica Smart. MA SEN (SpLD) RSA Dip
Email: strawgrasping@CapelIwan.gov

Publication Date: 12-15-2010

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