It's Not What You Think by Judy Colella (sneezy the snowman read aloud TXT) 📖

Vampires. Good grief. Werewolves. Bleh. Every book ever written about these two creature types falls into one of several categories or models:

The Bram Stoker Model - This is a vampire thing, involving a reclusive, ugly creature with hypnotic abilities. It acts all friendly and like, "hey ya wanna help me out with something?" to get you to visit its crumbling mansion in a far-off land. So these stories go something like this:

[Setting: An ancient, crumbling mansion in a distant land]

Vampire: [in a faint, spectral voice] I vant to buy some real estate in your home town.

Victim: Er, sure, but couldn't you have just gotten on the internet and found a real estate agent?

Vampire: I thought you vere a real estate agent.

Victim: Oh. Right. Well, yes, but you wrote me a letter. Who does that?

Vampire: I do, it vould seem. Vell?

Victim: Real estate, you say. What kind of real estate did you have in mind?

Vampire: Something impressive, a newer wersion of this place, perhaps [indicates room and, by extension, the mansion and its grounds with a sweep of its hand, a hand the victim suddenly notices is preternaturally long with ridiculous nine-inch nails].

Victim [gulping]: I see. There are places like that in [insert name of town], but of course they're extremely expensive.

Vampire: I'm extremely vealthy. Pick a place, have your office fax you a copy of the papers, and I'll sign. In the meantime, please stay the night. There's plenty of room [smiles, displaying a set of weird, sharp teeth].

Victim: Wait - you couldn't use a computer to contact an agent over the internet, but you have a fax machine?

Vampire: Yes. One of my...daughters suggested I obtain one.

Victim: O-okay. But really, I'm just fine with staying at a hotel. I mean, I don't want to intrude or anything.

Vampire [rising and leaning closer]: You... vill... stay... here.

Victim: Your eyes - they - yes, master. I vill stay here.

Looking dazed and confused, the victim wanders off into the bowels of the house, only to emerge the next day with some bizarre puncture marks on his throat.

The rest of the story then follows the traditional and predictable path, ending in the demise of the vampire, while the victim recovers and gets the girl.

The Hollywood Model - Another version of the vampire story, this one involves Transylvania, implications of Vlad the Impaler lurking about in a far-off era, a famous vampire-hunter with one form or another of the name Van Helsing, a girl with huge, heaving breasts named Mina (the girl, not her breasts), and a guy kinda like the real estate agent in the Bram Stoker model. These versions go like this:

[Setting: Movie-set knockoff of a notorious Transylvania castle]

Vlad-like Guy: I've lost my love. I vant to die. No, vait. I think I'll sell my soul to the dewil instead in case she somehow gets reincarnated in a later generation, and I can find her so ve're together again. Yeah. That's vhat I vant.

Devil: Great! Sign here.

Vlad-like Guy: Done. Vhat's next?

Devil: Nothing, really. You just have to drink human blood from now on.

Vlad-like Guy: Vhat? Are you out of your mi-

[Devil snaps Vlad-like Guy's neck and he's dead for a few minutes.]

Devil: Huh. I like this. Note to self - save idea for television series...

Former Vlad-like Guy who is Now a Vampire: [Groan] Vhat happened?

Devil: I killed you. Stop whining. Get up and drink this [produces a chalice of blood and hands it to the new vampire].

Vampire: Hey, this is qvite delicious! Vow! Vhere can I get some more?

Devil [face-palming]: Are you for real? You're surrounded by living humans! Go suck one dry and stop pestering me. I'll see you later - got lots of things to do now. [Disappears in a puff of red smoke]

Then, knowing it'll be a while before the love of his life is reborn and old enough to marry, Vampire takes a sip from one of his servants, not killing him, but turning him into a creepy guy who eats bugs. Vampire gives creepy guy instructions to wake him up in a few hundred years, crawls into a coffin, and takes a dirt-nap (literally). Bug-guy, who somehow knows all about Vampire's lost love and all that, eventually hires a ship, transports himself and Vampire to a country where they don't pronounce "w" like it's "v" and wakes up his master.

Having done some research on the internet (he got a long life, too, from that nibble-and-sip), the creepy guy has found a young lady who looks a lot like Vampire's lost love and arranges for Vampire to meet her. She's engaged to a real estate agent who may or may not have gone to Vampire's country on business, and her family doctor is named Van Helsing.

Vampire finds he has the ability to mesmerise people, mostly girls, and after several scenes of this:

Nubile Young Girl Sleeping Who Suddenly Wakes Up: [Yawn] Wha...huh? Who's there?

Vampire [after turning back into himself from bat-form, the reason for which is never explained]: Look at me, Nubile Young Girl Sleeping Who Has Suddenly Voken Up! Look into my eyes.

NYGLWSWU: Oh! I...can't...resist...why are...you...biting my...neck? Oh! Yes! Harder! More! [Shrieks with ecstasy and dies]

Vampire gets bored, discovers he has to be asked in before entering someone's house, blah, blah, blah, sunlight burns Vampire to a crisp, he's allergic to anything shaped like a cross, blah, blah, blah, holy water makes his skin sizzle, blah, blah, blah, girl who looks like his lost love finally falls for him, declaring she "remembers" being with him in a past life, blah, blah, blah.

Vampire ends up sacrificing himself for her and allowing a) Van Helsing to shove a sharp stick into his chest; b) sunlight to fry him; or c) seems to die some other gruesome way that nevertheless suggests he might manage to come back at a later date. And after a little more blah, blah, blah, real estate guy gets the girl.

Ann Rice Model - Vampire is a sexy guy hanging out in New Orleans or some other well-known city in America. All the same vampire stipulations are in place - burning in the sun, holy water a no-no, death by stake through the heart and beheading for good measure, invitation needed to enter someone's home. Nothing new here, other than the introduction of their version of morals (turning little kids into vampires is their equivalent of incest or something), and that vampires seem to have formed communities. The main vampire is younger in this model and much better-looking than in the older models. Yawn.

Twilight Model - Vampire has somehow acquired the ability to sparkle rather than frizzle in sunlight. He also doesn't need an invitation to get into someone's house (or bedroom), lives in a "family" of vampires, answers to a kind of council of ancient vampires, has unique powers, and looks suspiciously like a Quiddich-playing wizard (a dead one, in fact). The love-story part continues, but without all that past-life drama, and the story stretches out interminably into five or more parts, depending on what brings in the most money.

Comedy Model - Not worth discussing (shudder).

And now to werewolves. Stop complaining - I'm giving myself a headache, too. Here we go:

Greek Model - Not sure this is a model, but it's one of the oldest (none of that Gilgamesh nonsense, please) tales about someone being turned into a wolf. However, it wasn't your typical shape-shifting story:

King Lycaon: Hail, Zeus! Are you hungry by any chance?

Zeus: I'm a god. I'm always hungry - what do you have there?

King Lycaon: A most delectible stew, great Zeus. Here - have a taste.

Zeus: Hmm. Strange flavor. Not half bad, though. What kind of meat is this?

King Lycaon: BWA-HA-HAAAA!!! That, oh not-so-wise Zeus, is Nyctimus Stroganoff! [note: Nictymus was one of King Lycaon's own sons who he killed, dismembered, and served to Zeus to see if the god was really all that god-like).

Zeus: Gag! Choke! Blagh! You scoundrel! Just for that, I'm going to kill ALL of your sons, and you, sir - *poof!* - are now a wolf!

Not really sure what to make of all that.

Ancient Roman Model - Unsure if this is a model, either, because I don't recall reading anything similar, except for the turning into a wolf part. It went like this:

Niciros: I have to pee.

Traveling Companion: Hail, yes. Me, too. Look - a graveyardicus several paces hence!

Niciros: Huh? Thou wishest to pee in a graveyardicus?

Traveling Companion: No, but I can't hold it in any longer.

Niciros: Ah. Let us hie thence.

[Entering graveyard, the two stand on adjoining graves - they may have resembled early urinals, but who knows - and start to relieve themselves]

Traveling Companion: BWA-HA-HAAAA!!!!

Niciros: What are you - yikus! Dudicus! Why art thou peeing in a circle around thyself?! Art thou nuts?

Traveling Companion [ripping off clothes and turning into a wolf]: GROWLICUS!

Niciros: Oh, crappus! He - he's running into the town, and his clothing has turned to stone!

Yeah, the Romans were weird even back then (I'm married to one of their decendants, and believe me...). Anyhow, Niciros goes into town, slashing at shadows with his sword because now he's peeing himself involuntarily every few seconds. Some old lady tells him a gigantic wolf just showed up and had been eating everyone's livestock (if that includes chickens and hogs and stuff, too), but a farmer's servant pierced it through the neck with a spear, killing it. And...what is it with guys named "Nyc" or "Nic"?

Between then and the publication of "The Werewolf of Paris" in 1933, certain werewolf protocols were established. But in the 1933 work by Guy Endore, we have the werewolf equivalent of "Dracula." Later, by the time Lon Chaney's movie came out, the whole you-only-kill-the-one-you-love theme was established because...I don't know. People liked that kind of angst back then? Which brings us to:

The Werewolf of London Model - This is the flat-out incomprehensible film in which a scientist continues to be his jovial, dapper self even after transforming into a wolf. However, it is in this film that we first see the creature killing the one he loves most. In 1981 another film of the same name came out, but had little to do with this one. Just sayin'.

The Wolf Man Model - Now we come to the Lon Chaney film that introduced the disease lycanthropy and a main character you can care about, someone you would be upset to see getting pierced through the neck with a spear. With this film, the werewolf theme established its traditions, like surviving a werewolf bite turns the bitten into a werewolf and transforms with the full moon; that silver bullets are the only weapon effective against a werewolf; and that time-lapse photography and a lot of make up, coupled with some throat-grasping and looks of horror, was a great way to show the transformation. Poor Larry Talbot. He's the one who learned through the spooky words of the creaky old gypsy lady (whose own son was a werewolf...after being Count Dracula...really? Bela, is that you?) that he was sick and there was no cure. One could reasonably sum all of this up this way:

Larry Talbot: Hey! What are you doing to my girlfriend, you wolf-fiend, you!?

Werewolf: Grrr! Slash!

Larry Talbot: Ouch! That hurt, man! I - I'm going to pass out now...

[Waking up a while later]

Oh, gross! She's dead and her throat is ripped out. Bleh! And who is this? A gypsy?

Creepy Little Gypsy Lady: That vass...my sonnnn....und you...you arrre now coorrrsed....dere isss no currre....

Larry Talbot: Great. There goes my retirement.

American Werewolf in London Model - For the first time, the technology existed to show the painful and horribly gross transformation from human to werewolf, complete with bone crunching and snapping noises, snouts coming out of mouths, elongation of fingers...yech! But like the Ann Rice Model in the vampire genre, the main weirdo is young and attractive.