Anorexia by Jenna Marie (grave mercy txt) 📖

SEPTEMBER

My eyes snap open to the buzzing of my alarm clock.

College today! My thoughts scream.

No longer sleepy, I throw my blankets off and jump out of bed. I stumble over to the other side of my room to turn on the lights before hastily changing into the clothes I laid out a week ago; a tight T-shirt and my favorite pair of skinny jeans. They’re the only ones that actually make me look skinny. That’s why I love them. I then throw on my sneakers. After attempting to tear a brush through my rat’s nest of hair, I took a seat at my desk to do my makeup.

Foundation, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, and lip gloss.

Once I deem myself presentable, I grab my bag and head downstairs. The smell of pancakes and sausage permeate the entire house and make my stomach growl.

I drop my bag at the foot of the stairs and enter the kitchen. Mom is hunched over the stove, her eyes jumping back and forth between the baking pancakes and the clock.

“Good morning, Mom,” I say to her. She jumps.

“There’s my college girl!” she sang, walking to me, wiping her hands on her apron as she comes. She wraps her arms around my shoulder and gives me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten from her. “Are you excited?”

“Mom, I’ve been excited since I got my letter back in March.” I take my seat at the table.

“I know you have,” she starts. “I still can’t believe you’re going away!”

I rolled my eyes. “Mom,” I warn.

Dad appears in the doorway, still adjusting the tie around his neck. He has too much going on at work to come see me off. Mom and I are going alone.

“Someone’s awake this morning,” he laughs.

“I just want to go already,” I say. I’m running purely on adrenaline.

Mom puts a plate of pancakes onto the table. I help myself immediately—I just want to eat, get in the car, and get out of here.

“Is Sarah leaving for school today, too?” Dad asks.

“Yup,”

Absolutely no one I know is going to my school this semester. I’m nervous about not making new friends, or even making the wrong friends, or not making friends simply because I’m not pretty enough, or not thin enough, or smart enough, or . . .

My leg bounces. I tap my fingers on the table as I devour my breakfast. After an eternity, Mom sits down at the table. Ten long minutes later, she manages to finish. And, knowing her, she has to clean the dishes before we leave.

“Can’t you worry about the dishes after you take me to school?” I plead. My eyes jump to the clock. “We should get going now,”

“Calm down, eager beaver,” Mom laughs, “college isn’t going anywhere.”

“I know but . . .”

She rolls her eyes.

I sigh. “Just let me know when you’re ready,” I head out into the living room, grab my bag, and sit down on the couch. I whip out my phone and text my best friend Sarah. A few minutes later, Mom and Dad appear. We head out to the car together. Dad and I say goodbye. Mom takes pictures. Mom and I get in the car and drive off.

“College!” I shout while I check my phone for messages. There are none.

OCTOBER

I’ve been in college for a month now. My high school friends don’t text me as much as they used to. They’re all too busy with their new schools/friends/lives to bother texting me. What if they forget about me?

How are you, you’re probably wondering. I’m doing well. Classes aren’t too hard. But I have a ton of work to do by the end of the week and I’m worried I won’t have enough time to do it and then it’ll be late and my teachers will hate me for the rest of the school year. I don’t have a roommate either, and I’m glad; even though I’ve basically been alone for the past month. But I don’t need them filling my little refrigerator with junk that’ll make me fatter than I am. I want to be thin. No one will like me if I’m fat.

That’s probably why my old friends stopped calling and texting me. I wasn’t pretty enough for them. They don’t want to be seen talking to me.

After Mom dropped me off at school in September, I’ve been working out at the school gym almost every chance I get. I want to lose weight.

And the cafeteria here has pretty decent food. Even though it all looks good, I’ve been limiting the amount I eat every day. I’ve done research on how to watch your weight, and eliminating fatty and greasy foods from my diet is a start.

I hope I’ll make friends soon. College will be pretty boring if I don’t have anyone to talk to.

NOVEMBER

I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale I bought myself a few days ago. 121 lbs.

That’s not good enough. Not good enough at all.

I need to be thinner. Skinny is good. Fat is bad.

Do I have friends yet? No. But as I left my English class yesterday a boy said “hi” to me. I’ve seen him before. He’s pretty cute, if I do say so myself. Maybe he’ll be my gateway into the social world and introduce me to people. But what if he doesn’t? I’ll be a social outcast forever. No friends. No life. No parties. No dating. No hanging out. No texting. It’s that simple.

I’ve also been a regular at the gym. It’s free, so why not use it? I’m there so often now that the woman who works at the desk knows my name.

Oh, and Mom and Dad called me last weekend. They asked how school is. I told them that it’s fine. They said they miss me, and I told them I miss them too. They hoped they weren’t interrupting me. I admitted that I was about to go to the gym. They were surprised and proud of me for working out because I used to sit around on my computer all the time at home. They said goodbye, and I hung up so I could go to the gym.

DECEMBER

Mom and Dad called again yesterday. Dad won a raffle at his office for a trip for two to Hawaii over Christmas break. They said they’re going, and then apologized for not spending the holidays with me. I told them it was fine, and to have fun; what I didn’t tell them was that I was planning on spending pretty much every day over break at the gym.

As I walked to my history class this afternoon, a tall, thin girl ran up to me. Says she’s seen me at the gym. Her name’s Amy. I introduced myself, and afterwards she told me she’s jealous of how pretty I am. She wants to be as thin as me. I laughed and thanked her, but told her I’m not really all that thin. We had to part ways when we reached the science building.

After class, I saw Amy again. That boy who said hi to me was with her. His name is Bryan. They’re only friends though, so there is still the possibility that I could end up dating him. Amy gave me her number before I left, so I could call her before I go to the gym. She said we should go together.

I asked her when she has lunch. As it turns out, the three of us have our break at the same time. Amy promised she’d find me and have me sit with them.

Yeah, you heard me.

I actually have friends now.

JANUARY

Amy and I are really close now, even though it’s only been a month. We’ve been going to the gym together every weekend, and I’ve started going during the week now, too. I put off an essay earlier today just so I could go.

I step onto my scale just before going to bed. The number reads “113 lbs”. That’s only eight pounds off what I was when I first weighed myself. I’ve hardly lost any weight. I need to lose more, and faster. Because what if Bryan realizes how heavy I still am? He might stop talking to me. He may even hate how not-thin I am. Then we’ll never end up together.

I climb into bed now. My thoughts continue. Amy is thinner, taller, and prettier than me. He might like her more. What if they both turn away from me? I don’t want to be alone again. I need to be really thin. Maybe I should eat even less. Then my body would just burn away the fat for energy. Yeah. Maybe I’ll do that. And I’ll still go to