Family Happiness by Leo Nikoleyevich Tolstoy (books to read this summer .TXT) 📖

and

believed that there was somewhere, I knew not where, a different happiness,

not greater but different.

 

So two months went by and winter came with its cold and snow; and, in spite

of his company, I began to feel lonely, that life was repeating itself, that

there was nothing new either in him or in myself, and that we were merely

going back to what had been before. He began to give more time to business

which kept him away from me, and my old feeling returned, that there was a

special department of his mind into which he was unwilling to admit me. His

unbroken calmness provoked me. I loved him as much as ever and was as happy

as ever in his love; but my love, instead of increasing, stood still; and

another new and disquieting sensation began to creep into my heart. To love

him was not enough for me after the happiness I had felt in falling in love.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement

and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself

a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life. I had

fits of depression which I was ashamed of and tried to conceal from him, and

fits of excessive tenderness and high spirits which alarmed him. He realized

my state of mind before I did, and proposed a visit to Petersburg; but I

begged him to give this up and not to change our manner of life or spoil our

happiness. Happy indeed I was; but I was tormented by the thought that this

happiness cost me no effort and no sacrifice, though I was even painfully

conscious of my power to fact both. I loved him and saw that I was all in

all to him; but I wanted everyone to see our love; I wanted to love him in

spite of obstacles. My mind, and even my senses, were fully occupied; but

there was another feeling of youth and craving for movement, which found no

satisfaction in our quiet life. What made him say that, whenever I liked, we

could go to town? Had he not said so I might have realized that my

uncomfortable feelings were my own fault and dangerous nonsense, and that

the sacrifice I desired was there before me, in the task of overcoming these

feelings. I was haunted by the thought that I could escape from depression

by a mere change from the country; and at the same time I felt ashamed and

sorry to tear him away, out of selfish motives, from all he cared for. So

time went on, the snow grew deeper, and there we remained together, all

alone and just the same as before, while outside I knew there was noise and

glitter and excitement, and hosts of people suffering or rejoicing without

one thought of us and our remote existence. I suffered most from the feeling

that custom was daily petrifying our lives into one fixed shape, that our

minds were losing their freedom and becoming enslaved to the steady

passionless course of time. The morning always found us cheerful; we were

polite at dinner, and affectionate in the evening. “It is all right,” I

thought, “to do good to others and lead upright lives, as he says; but there

is time for that later; and there are other things, for which the time is

now or never.” I wanted, not what I had got, but a life of struggle; I

wanted feeling to be the guide of life, and not life to guide feeling. If

only I could go with him to the edge of a precipice and say, “One step, and

I shall fall over — one movement, and I shall be lost!” then, pale with

fear, he would catch me in his strong arms and hold me over the edge till my

blood froze, and then carry me off whither he pleased.

 

This state of feeling even affected my health, and I began to suffer from

nerves. One morning I was worse than usual. He had come beck from the estate

office out of sorts, which was a rare thing with him. I noticed it at once

and asked what was the matter. He would not tell me and said it was of no

importance. I found out afterwards that the police inspector, out of spite

against my husband, was summoning our peasants, making illegal demands on

them, and using threats to them. My husband could not swallow this at once;

he could not feel it merely “pitiful and amusing”. He was provoked, and

therefore unwilling to speak of it to me. But it seemed to me that he did

not wish to speak to about it because he considered me a mere child,

incapable of understanding his concerns. I turned from him and said no more.

I then told the servant to ask Marya Minichna, who was staying in the house,

to join us at breakfast. I ate my breakfast very fast and took her to the

morning room where I began to talk loudly to her about some trifle which did

not interest me in he least. He walked about the room, glancing at us from

time to time. This made me more and more inclined to talk and even to laugh;

all that I said myself, and all that Marya Minichna said, seemed to me

laughable. Without a word to me he went off to his study and shut the door

behind him. When I ceased to hear him, all my high spirits vanished at once;

indeed Marya Minichna was surprised and asked what was the matter. I sat

down on a sofa without answering, and felt ready to cry. “What has he got on

his mind?” I wondered; “some trifle which he thinks important; but, if he

tried to tell it me, I should soon show him it was mere nonsense. But he

must needs think that I won’t understand, must humiliate me by his majestic

composure, and always be in the right as against me. But I too am in the

right when I find things tiresome and trivial,” I reflected; “and I do well

to want an active life rather than to stagnate in one spot and feel life

flowing past me. I want to move forward, to have some new experience every

day and every hour, whereas he wants to stand still and to keep me standing

beside him. And how easy it would be for him to gratify me! He need not take

me to town; he need only be like me and not put compulsion on himself and

regulate his feelings, but live simply. That is the advice he gives me, but

he is not simple himself. That is what is the matter.”

 

I felt the tears rising and knew that I was irritated with him. My

irritation frightened me, and I went to his study. He was sitting at the

table, writing. Hearing my step, he looked up for a moment and then went on

writing; he seemed calm and unconcerned. His look vexed me: instead of going

up to him, I stood beside his writing table, opened a book, and began to

look at it. He broke off his writing again and looked at me.

 

“Masha, are you out of sorts?” he asked.

 

I replied with a cold look, as much as to say, “You are very polite, but

what is the use of asking?” He shook his head and smiled with a tender timid

air; but his smile, for the first time, drew no answering smile from me.

 

“What happened to you today?” I asked; “why did you not tell me?”

 

“Nothing much — a trifling nuisance,” he said. “But I might tell you now.

Two of our serfs went off to the town …”

 

But I would not let him go on.

 

“Why would you not tell me, when I asked you at breakfast?:

 

“I was angry then and should have said something foolish.”

 

“I wished to know then.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why do you suppose that I can never help you in anything?”

 

“Not help me!” he said, dropping his pen. “Why, I believe that without you I

could not live. You not only help me in everything I do, but you do it

yourself. You are very wide of the mark,” he said, and laughed. “My life

depends on you. I am pleased with things, only because you are there,

because I need you …”

 

“Yes, I know; I am a delightful child who must be humored and kept quiet,” I

said in a voice that astonished him, so that he looked up as if this was a

new experience; “but I don’t want to be quiet and calm; that is more in your

line, and too much in your line,” I added.

 

“Well,” he began quickly, interrupting me and evidently afraid to let me

continue, “when I tell you the facts, I should like to know your opinion.”

 

“I don’t want to hear them now,” I answered. I did want to hear the story,

but I found it so pleasant to break down his composure. “I don’t want to

play at life,” I said, “but to live, as you do yourself.”

 

His face, which reflected every feeling so quickly and so vividly, now

expressed pain and intense attention.

 

“I want to share your life, to …,” but I could not go on — his face

showed such deep distress. He was silent for a moment.

 

“But what part of my life do you not share?” he asked; “is it because I, and

not you, have to bother with the inspector and with tipsy laborers?”

 

“That’s not the only thing,” I said.

 

“For God’s sake try to understand me, my dear!” he cried. “I know that

excitement is always painful; I have learnt that from the experience of

life. I love you, and I can’t but wish to save you from excitement. My life

consists of my love for you; so you should not make life impossible for

me.”

 

“You are always in the right,” I said without looking at him.

 

I was vexed again by his calmness and coolness while I was conscious of

annoyance and some feeling akin to penitence.

 

“Masha, what is the matter?” he asked. “The question is not, which of us is

in the right — not at all; but rather, what grievance have you against me?

Take time before you answer, and tell me all that is in your mind. You are

dissatisfied with me: and you are, no doubt, right; but let me understand

what I have done wrong.”

 

But how could I put my feeling into words? That he understood me at once,

that I again stood before him like a child, that I could do nothing without

his understanding and foreseeing it — all this only increased my agitation.

 

“I have no complaint to make of you,” I said; “I am merely bored and want

not to be bored. But you say that it can’t be helped, and, as always, you

are right.”

 

I looked at him as I spoke. I had gained my object: his calmness had

disappeared, and I read fear and pain in his face.

 

“Masha,” he began in a low troubled voice, “this is no mere trifle: the

happiness of our lives is at stake. Please hear me out without answering.

why do you wish to torment me?”

 

But I interrupted him.

 

“Oh, I know you will turn out to be right. Words are useless; of course you

are right.” I spoke coldly, as if some evil spirit were speaking with my

voice.