Colors of a Schitzophrenic by Jillian Cline (grave mercy .txt) 📖

I mean I really did. I was startled out of my sleep by a noise in the middle of the night. I laid stock still in my bed, heart pounding and face wet from tears. Then I heard it again. It was like a… whisper. A soft sound coming from the corner of my room. Panic

That day at school I was drowning.  My eyes were red and I was slumming it with a messy pony tail and raggedy PJ top with old beaten sweats. I got it. I had feelings for guy's, but that is me being a teenager, right? I tried to focus on school work but what happened this morning was freaking me out and so was my dream.  Guilt and fear was gnawing at my insides until I was shaking and felt sick. I needed to tell him about what was going on with me. There was only one way I could do that, and that is write it.

I pushed my books away and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and with shaking fingers i began to write: 

 

"Dear Kellin,

 

    I'm shaking as I write this, but I know I need to tell you. I had a dream last night and you were in it. I'm shaken because only just you in it.  It was Dillon too. Only we kissed... I been freaking out ever since. And not only that but I heard something this morning and I’m scared... In the morning after the dream I heard something whispering in the corner of my room. Knowing me it was just me being paranoid, but it was continuing in breathless relentlessness. Repeating one word over and over again: Live. I know what you are thinking. Live? What is so scary by that? 

!) the relentlessness was quite eerie 

2) live backwards spells evil

3) I saw a little girl in the corner grinning at me

   

    I know I know... I'm crazy, but I know what I saw... I think I saw a ghost.

 

                                                                                           Kisses,

                                                                                                    Amy"

 

Chills rolled up my spine as I folded the note and held it tight in my sweaty palms. I brought myself back to earth. We were watching a movie in half dim light and I saw that half the kid's heads were down. I stretched before resting my chin on my hand to watch bird calls when I saw a paper slide onto my desk. I blinked my itchy eyes and looked at the paper on my desk. Scribbled on it was a big X and written on it was, "draw an x on your wrist if you knew someone who killed or tried to kill themselves." I swallowed hard. I glanced up to see Kyrie looking at me expectantly. I was trying to keep my vomit in my mouth and I began to cry a little. 

I looked down at my covered wrists and pulled the sleeves down a little to see clean smooth untouched wrists. I knew people who cut and starved themselves. Like I knew about them, but I wasn't friends with them. Though, there is my dad... 

I crumbled up the paper and shoved it in my pocket and I didn't look at Kyrie once as I did. Screw these sympathy things. the past should be the past. I pulled my sleeve back over my hand and focused on the movie.

 

When the bell ring I moved so fast that I made sure that I pasted Kyrie without a pause in step. I needed out. And I needed to cry, but I didn't. I couldn't. 

My mood didn't change when I saw Kellin waiting for me calmly outside of class. He flashed me his cocky smile and, dispite my mood, I smiled shyly back. "Hey," He murmured to me. I responded my putting the note on his books without a word. 

"What is this?" He asked me. 

"Just read it. Please?" I replied keeping my eyes to the ground. My heart was trying to escape my chest since I was so nervious.

"Uh... sure. I'll read it when ever I can. I promise. Now will you tell me what is up?" He was so tall and quiet that I barely heard him speak. I was so small that I was the one who was fighting throngs of rude people just to stay by my.... well my friend I guess. I had no idea what else to call him. 

"Kyrie did something that got to me. " I finally told him when we reached the lunch line. I looked up at him and bit my lip. He wasn't looking at me. I looked away hurt and succumbed to the pain trapping me. I was used to this by now. Then he caught me by surprise by answering me. 

"What did she do?" I looked up shocked for a moment before shifting to get the note from my pocket and smoothing it out on the wall before showing him. He took it and read it and a flash of anger crossed his face then it was gone and replaced by sympathy. "Do you need a hug?" he asked. I nodded and we shifted our books to embrace each other. 

 

Imprint

Publication Date: 07-24-2013

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
It is always hard to write a book that makes you feel whats going on in a writers mind. So to make it more real, I used some of my own experiences in this story of a young girl who loses her mind to a sickness that she cant help. Most people in this story are real people who are in my life, but their names are changed to keep their identity hidden and more speical for me. So here is to all my friends and I hope you guys know who you are. And i dont think bad of you guys and that I love you more than anything, even if I dont show it. To my dad who is... well, who is the person who inspired me to write this. But it was my sister who had a passion for the mind of a shitzophrenic and gave me many lectures on it. And just for my family who kept telling me to keep writing, even though I'm a little crazy myself. (but in a good way i guess) I hope all of you, my readers who gave me nothing but good reviews, enjoy the horrors and feeelings that were in my own mind. Thank you all, I love you guys, love Jillian. (aka sweep)