Colors of a Schitzophrenic by Jillian Cline (grave mercy .txt) 📖

  I sat in the field and watched the wheat’s bow at the mercy of the wind and the flowers rise up at the sun, which was setting above the lush dark green trees. I looked from the sky to my hands and clothing which were stained red from the blood. I gazed at my forearms, where there were new gashes and old scars. The blade had fallen from my fingers after the second cut as my hands shook and I had cried out in pain.  Like most times, I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t mean to cut. Not again, anyways. Even then I didn’t mean to.

  I looked at the sky one more time. Above the trees was painted vibrant orange and screeching red against a deep dark blue background. Yes, I did say screeching. Why? Because I felt like everything was talking to me, and that red was screaming at me. I don’t know why, but it was. I tried to listen to what it was saying, but I just couldn’t understand what it was trying to tell me. It was like my head was in a fog; or wrapped in a warm blanket. I just wanted to doze off right then and there and sleep…

                                                               ***

   That was the day I was told I was schizophrenic. The day I found out that something was wrong with me. I mean, I knew this before, but I just thought that I was going through a faze. Not that I was sick. I couldn’t understand it at first, but then I thought back in my past and started to understand everything more clearly

   I felt hands slap against my shoulders and a growl in my ear. I screamed and stood still as my attacker came stumbling out from behind me, laughing. My best friend gazed at my shocked expression with that cocky selfish smile on his face that I haven’t seen in days. I finally reached over and slapped his stomach and said, “I told you not to do that!” but I couldn’t help the smile that was growing on my face too; nor the fact that his stomach was hard and flat under my hand, which I was reluctant to move away. Our eyes met and I knew I was blushing a bit. His smile faded to revile a strong and intense looked that shot through my body and to settled in my stomach. I didn’t want to look away, but it was getting uncomfortable being like this. Unnerving more like it.

  I was saved by David and Kyrie walking towards us with that knowing smile on their faces. I blushed even more and pulled away from Kellin, nervously tucking my bangs behind my ear. Once David and Kyrie reached us I already knew what they were thinking. They were thinking that Kellin and I should go out since they knew how we felt about each other.  To give up the gig on pretending that it’s okay for both of us to be friends and not be anything more. Oh, and how we’d be a lovely couple… 

  “What’s up guy’s?” I heard Kyrie say. I glanced up at her and our eyes met. Hers were pleading with me to tell her everything ASP, even though there was nothing to tell.  David was giving Kellin the same look, but Kellin just ignored him and stretched; his eyes still on me. I cleared my throat before replying, “The sky, ceiling, and everything else.” That was my usual remark. Just then, Kellin added, “Actually…” he drawn out, “it’s about an old man and this house-“ I gave him a look , cutting him off. He just grinned and leaned up against the wall in a cat like manner.

  David had his arm around Kyrie and she was pressing her back up against him. David leaned down and she tilted her head back so he could kiss her on her lips. Kyrie was a skinny girl and a little bit taller than me, but equally crazy. She loved skinny jeans and had small breasts, along with light, long curly hair that she straitened everyday because she didn’t like it curly.  No one liked her because she’s just…I don’t know. She’s just a little too hyper. I’ll admit that I didn’t like her at first (I didn’t even know who she was till I started talking to Kellin and hanging out with him) but now she was one of my good friends and has been there with me through thick and thin.

  David is an obnoxious guy, but a really good guy too. Again no one liked him either because of the way he acts. But I didn’t want to judge him. Plus that was years ago and I had a crush on him. (Not now though. I would never do anything to hurt his and Kyrie’s relationship.) He was the guy that couldn’t stop making perverted jokes or stop annoying everyone he talks to, but that’s why he was with us. David was somewhat tall and was a little bit over weight, in the sense that he was a wrestler and it fit him. He wasn’t fat, but he wasn’t that fit either. David is also one of Kellin’s friends.

  Kyrie and David have been going out since the beginning of the school year and haven’t been able to stop touching each other since.  David loves kissing Kyrie and it’s actually cute to watch. Kyrie isn’t a slut, and David isn’t a cheat. It’s just perfect.

  You must think I’m jealous by how great they are together and by how I talk so fondly of them, but I’m not. I like the relationship I have with Kellin, even if that means being in the friend zone. Of course I would love him to hold me and kiss me like David does to Kyrie, but Kellin’s not that type. I don’t think he is anyways. I just have to savor every moment that I have with him, and I’m fine. I know what it’s like to lose him, and I don’t want to lose him again.

  We make a little small talk here and there before the whole group comes and it’s a mix of conversations filling the space of the waiting area that we were placed in to wait for everyone to arrive and school to begin. Between everyone’s chatter, I somehow ended up by Kellin. He was laughing at something David had said. I looked at the space between my feet and felt that loneliness envelope me once again, like every time I was around him. I felt an arm bump mine and looked up to see Kellin looking down on me. He wasn’t smiling at me, just looking in my eyes and once again I was taken by how cute he was.

  Kellin was tall and very lean. He was also pale, but he has a tan too. Not as much as mine, but he was getting there since he was a soccer player and had to be in the sun constantly. I just sit inside because I’m too afraid to go outside with how everything’s been lately. (I swear that you have to go out with other people to avoid getting jumped.) Kellin had long eye lashes that framed his beautiful dark creamy brown eyes.  His hands were huge and calloused from use with his guitar and construction work that he’s been helping with for charity. (Don’t think to fondly of him though, he said he just needed something to do. He doesn’t care for the charity.) He had millions of cuts and scars from getting beaten up in soccer. Unlike the rest of us in our group, he has no acne. Not that I could see anyways. His lips were pink and lush and I had to fight the urge to grab him and kiss him. His hair was black and so long  it fell in his eyes.

I looked back at him and I couldn’t breathe. I never can when I’m with him. I felt something brush my hand and I looked down to see his hand rub up against mine, but when I went to slip my hand into his, he pulled it back and avoided looking at me.  I screamed in frustration inside and blushed from embarrassment once again. He always does this and its really freaking confusing for me. Usually I can read people with no problem, like how they are feeling and what they are like, but Kellin was so… cold that I find it hard to understand what was going on in his head. No I take that back. I have no idea what was going on in my head.

Sighing I turned my attention back to the group and met eyes with Dillon. Dillon is one of my guy friends who has had a crush on me for years and he is like glued to my side. I don’t mind really. I like having him around and all, and I like him a little bit more than just a friend, but… I don’t know. I like Kellin more. A lot more I guess you should say.  I always felt bad after he asked me out or stays by my side no matter what.  I mean, I’m a girl and one person. Why should I go through this with boys? Why can’t I get a break?

Dillon gives me a cold look of disdain before turning around and walking away from me. I groan and chase after him. “Dillon, wait! Stop please.” I called and begged after him. He kept pushing through the throng of people and pushing people over in his haste and, sadly, I followed after him. He was heading towards the bathrooms and I ran to keep up with him. “Dillon stop! Talk to me please!” I grabbed his hand to stop him and he stopped. He yanked his hand from mine and turned to me. That look. Oh god that look of hatred and pain tore me to shreds. “Dillon? Dillon you are acting like I kissed him! What’s wrong with you?!” he just stared at me before reaching out and pulling me to him. Before I knew it his was kissing me. I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was, “What?! No!! No no no no no!!!”  I didn’t understand. I couldn’t. I pushed him away from me and looked at him in shock and he returned it. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I mean- I- ugh!! I’m sorry.” He stuttered before turning and running in the bathroom.

“Amy?” was that- was that my name being called? I turned and saw everyone looking at me.  And kellin was right in front of me.  For the first time in my life I saw and emotion cross his face that I have never saw before: pain. I felt my heart break and a tear feel from my eye and- I woke up.

When I say I woke up,