The Diary of a Nobody by George Grossmith (interesting books to read for teens .txt) đ
- Author: George Grossmith
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I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to me before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately choose this very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the others. The result was that I was the only one late of the lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pittâs desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: âHow disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!â This was, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes.
April 12.âMustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his excuse was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.
In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar didnât look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.
I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered me another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: âYouâre not going to complain of the smell of paint again?â He said: âNo, not this time; but Iâll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry rot.â I donât often make jokes, but I replied: âYouâre talking a lot of dry rot yourself.â I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
April 13.âAn extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.
April 14.âSpent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having this morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition, on Gardening. I procured and sowed some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I thought. I said: âI have just discovered we have got a lodging-house.â She replied: âHow do you mean?â I said: âLook at the boarders.â Carrie said: âIs that all you wanted me for?â I said: âAny other time you would have laughed at my little pleasantry.â Carrie said: âCertainlyâat any other time, but not when I am busy in the house.â The stairs looked very nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked all right, but it made the banisters look all wrong, and suggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny.
April 15, Sunday.âAt three oâclock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.
As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing suggested that we should make for âThe Cow and Hedgeâ and get some tea. Stillbrook said: âA brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.â I reminded them that all public-houses were closed till six oâclock. Stillbrook said, âThatâs all rightâbona-fide travellers.â
We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate said: âWhere from?â I replied: âHolloway.â He immediately put up his arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: âWhere from?â When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: âBlackheath,â and the three were immediately admitted.
Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: âWe shanât be a minute.â I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: âIt was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. and B.âs.â I walked home in silence; I couldnât speak to them. I felt very dull all the evening, but deemed it advisable not to say anything to Carrie about the matter.
April 16.âAfter business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterdayâs adventure at âThe Cow and Hedge.â Afterwards made up my mind not to write yet.
April 17.âThought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined not to write at all, but to speak quietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of my (mind you, my) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday. At last I wrote: âI thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I freely forgive you, youâfeeling yourself aggrievedâshould bestow forgiveness on me.â I have copied this verbatim in the diary, because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.
April 18.âAm in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. Remembered the grocerâs boy had again broken the side-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: âIâve just seen Gowing. All right. Say no more about it.â There is no doubt they are both under the impression I have apologised.
While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: âBy-the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just set up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.â I told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: âPlease, sir, the grocer says he ainât got no more Kinahan, but youâll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as a nut!â
CHAPTER IIIA conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, with unexpected result.
April 19.âCummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.
He leaned back in his chair and said: âYou must take me as I am;â and I replied: âYesâand you must take us as we are. Weâre homely people, we are not swells.â
He answered: âNo, I can see that,â and Gowing roared with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: âI donât think you quite understand me. I intended to convey that our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their incomes.â
I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Mertonâs, and concluded that subject by saying: âNo, candidly, Mr. Merton, we donât go into Society, because we do not care for it; and what with the expense of cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it doesnât seem worth the money.â
Merton said in reference to friends: âMy motto is âFew and True;â and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, âLittle and Good.ââ Gowing said: âYes, and sometimes âcheap and tasty,â eh, old man?â Merton, still continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for a dozen of his âLockanbarâ whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably under what he paid for it.
He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood good for any theatre in London.
April 20.âCarrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect.
April 21.âGot a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at present couldnât manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the Brown Bushes, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; also bill for whisky.
April 23.âMr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a âbus that took us to Kingâs Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the âAngel.â Mr. James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that I
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