A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain (sneezy the snowman read aloud .TXT) 📖

“Why, this makes me uneasy.  Who were chosen, and what was the method?  Competitive examination?”

“Indeed, I know naught of the method.  I but know this—these officers be all of noble family, and are born—what is it you call it?—chuckleheads.”

“There’s something wrong, Clarence.”

“Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for a lieutenancy do travel hence with the king—young nobles both—and if you but wait where you are you will hear them questioned.”

“That is news to the purpose.  I will get one West Pointer in, anyway.  Mount a man and send him to that school with a message; let him kill horses, if necessary, but he must be there before sunset to-night and say—”

“There is no need.  I have laid a ground wire to the school. Prithee let me connect you with it.”

It sounded good!  In this atmosphere of telephones and lightning communication with distant regions, I was breathing the breath of life again after long suffocation.  I realized, then, what a creepy, dull, inanimate horror this land had been to me all these years, and how I had been in such a stifled condition of mind as to have grown used to it almost beyond the power to notice it.

I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally. I also asked him to bring me some paper and a fountain pen and a box or so of safety matches.  I was getting tired of doing without these conveniences.  I could have them now, as I wasn’t going to wear armor any more at present, and therefore could get at my pockets.

When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing of interest going on.  The abbot and his monks were assembled in the great hall, observing with childish wonder and faith the performances of a new magician, a fresh arrival.  His dress was the extreme of the fantastic; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing an Indian medicine-man wears.  He was mowing, and mumbling, and gesticulating, and drawing mystical figures in the air and on the floor,—the regular thing, you know.  He was a celebrity from Asia—so he said, and that was enough.  That sort of evidence was as good as gold, and passed current everywhere.

How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician on this fellow’s terms.  His specialty was to tell you what any individual on the face of the globe was doing at the moment; and what he had done at any time in the past, and what he would do at any time in the future.  He asked if any would like to know what the Emperor of the East was doing now?  The sparkling eyes and the delighted rubbing of hands made eloquent answer—this reverend crowd would like to know what that monarch was at, just as this moment.  The fraud went through some more mummery, and then made grave announcement:

“The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at this moment put money in the palm of a holy begging friar—one, two, three pieces, and they be all of silver.”

A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all around:

“It is marvelous!”  "Wonderful!”  "What study, what labor, to have acquired a so amazing power as this!”

Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing? Yes.  He told them what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing.  Then he told them what the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the King of the Remote Seas was about.  And so on and so on; and with each new marvel the astonishment at his accuracy rose higher and higher. They thought he must surely strike an uncertain place some time; but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, and always with unerring precision.  I saw that if this thing went on I should lose my supremacy, this fellow would capture my following, I should be left out in the cold.  I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it right away, too.  I said:

“If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know what a certain person is doing.”

“Speak, and freely.  I will tell you.”

“It will be difficult—perhaps impossible.”

“My art knoweth not that word.  The more difficult it is, the more certainly will I reveal it to you.”

You see, I was working up the interest.  It was getting pretty high, too; you could see that by the craning necks all around, and the half-suspended breathing.  So now I climaxed it:

“If you make no mistake—if you tell me truly what I want to know—I will give you two hundred silver pennies.”

“The fortune is mine!  I will tell you what you would know.”

“Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand.”

“Ah-h!”  There was a general gasp of surprise.  It had not occurred to anybody in the crowd—that simple trick of inquiring about somebody who wasn’t ten thousand miles away.  The magician was hit hard; it was an emergency that had never happened in his experience before, and it corked him; he didn’t know how to meet it.  He looked stunned, confused; he couldn’t say a word.  "Come,” I said, “what are you waiting for?  Is it possible you can answer up, right off, and tell what anybody on the other side of the earth is doing, and yet can’t tell what a person is doing who isn’t three yards from you?  Persons behind me know what I am doing with my right hand—they will indorse you if you tell correctly.”  He was still dumb.  "Very well, I’ll tell you why you don’t speak up and tell; it is because you don’t know.  You a magician!  Good friends, this tramp is a mere fraud and liar.”

This distressed the monks and terrified them.  They were not used to hearing these awful beings called names, and they did not know what might be the consequence.  There was a dead silence now; superstitious bodings were in every mind.  The magician began to pull his wits together, and when he presently smiled an easy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief around; for it indicated that his mood was not destructive.  He said:

“It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this person’s speech.  Let all know, if perchance there be any who know it not, that enchanters of my degree deign not to concern themselves with the doings of any but kings, princes, emperors, them that be born in the purple and them only.  Had ye asked me what Arthur the great king is doing, it were another matter, and I had told ye; but the doings of a subject interest me not.”

“Oh, I misunderstood you.  I thought you said ‘anybody,’ and so I supposed ‘anybody’ included—well, anybody; that is, everybody.”

“It doth—anybody that is of lofty birth; and the better if he be royal.”