The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (best reads txt) 📖

Under The Necessity

Of Devoting The Day Next After Our Landing At Liverpool,

To Writing Letters Announcing My Safe Arrival To My

Anxious Friends In Nova Scotia,  And In Different Parts

Of England; And Also Some Few On Matters Of Business.

Mr. Slick Was Very Urgent In His Request,  That I Should

Defer This Work Till The Evening,  And Accompany Him In

A Stroll About The Town,  And At Last Became Quite Peevish

At My Reiterated Refusal.

 

"You Remind Me,  Squire," Said He,  "Of Rufus Dodge,  Our

Great Ile Marchant Of Boston,  And As You Won't Walk,

P'raps You'll Talk,  So I'll Jist Tell You The Story.

 

"I Was Once At The Cataract House To Niagara. It Is Jist

A Short Distance Above The Falls. Out Of The Winders,

You Have A View Of The Splendid White Waters,  Or The

Rapids Of Foam,  Afore The River Takes Its Everlastin'

Leap Over The Cliff.

 

"Well,  Rufus Come All The Way From Boston To See The

Falls: He Said He Didn't Care Much About Them Hisself,

Seein' That He Warn't In The Mill Business; But,  As He

Was A Goin' To England,  He Didn't Like To Say He Hadn't

Been There,  Especially As All The English Knowed About

America Was,  That There Was A Great Big Waterfall Called

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 41

Niagara,  An Everlastin' Almighty Big River Called

Mississippi,  And A Parfect Pictur Of A Wappin' Big Man

Called Kentuckian There. Both T'other Ones He'd Seen Over

And Over Agin,  But Niagara He'd Never Sot Eyes On.

 

"So As Soon As He Arrives,  He Goes Into The Public Room,

And Looks At The White Waters,  And,  Sais He,  'Waiter,'

Sais He,  'Is Them The Falls Down There?' A-Pintin' By

Accident In The Direction Where The Falls Actilly Was.

 

"'Yes,  Sir,' Sais The Waiter.

 

"'Hem!' Sais Rufe,  'Them's The Falls Of Niagara,  Eh! So

I've Seen The Falls At Last,  Eh! Well It's Pretty Too:

They Ain't Bad,  That's A Fact. So Them's The Falls Of

Niagara! How Long Is It Afore The Stage Starts?'

 

"'An Hour,  Sir.'

 

"'Go And Book Me For Boston,  And Then Bring Me A Paper.'

 

"'Yes,  Sir.'

 

"Well He Got His Paper And Sot There A Readin' Of It,

And Every Now And Then,  He'd Look Out Of The Winder And

Say: 'So Them's The Falls Of Niagara,  Eh? Well,  It's A

Pretty Little Mill Privilege That Too,  Ain't It; But It

Ain't Just Altogether Worth Comin' So Far To See. So I've

Seen The Falls At Last!'

 

"Arter A While In Comes A Britisher.

 

"'Waiter,' Says He,  'How Far Is It To The Falls?'

 

"'Little Over A Half A Mile,  Sir.'

 

"'Which Way Do You Get There?'

 

"'Turn To The Right,  And Then To The Left,  And Then Go

A-Head.'

 

"Rufe Heard All This,  And It Kinder Seemed Dark To Him;

So Arter Cypherin' It Over In His Head A Bit,  'Waiter,'

Says He,  'Ain't Them The Falls Of Niagara,  I See There?'

 

"'No,  Sir.'

 

"'Well,  That's Tarnation All Over Now. Not The Falls?'

 

"'No,  Sir.'

 

"'Why,  You Don't Mean To Say,  That Them Are Ain't The

Falls?'

 

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 42

Yes,  I Do,  Sir.'

 

"'Heaven And Airth! I've Come Hundreds Of Miles A Puppus

To See 'Em,  And Nothin' Else; Not A Bit Of Trade,  Or

Speckelation,  Or Any Airthly Thing But To See Them Cussed

Falls,  And Come As Near As 100 Cents To A Dollar,  Startin'

Off Without Sein' 'Em Arter All. If It Hadn't A Been For

That Are Britisher I Was Sold,  That's A Fact. Can I Run

Down There And Back In Half An Hour In Time For The

Stage?'

 

"'Yes,  Sir,  But You Will Have No Time To See Them.'

 

"'See 'Em,  Cuss 'Em,  I Don't Want To See 'Em,  I Tell You.

I Want To Look At 'Em,  I Want To Say I Was To The Falls,

That's All. Give Me My Hat,  Quick! So Them Ain't The

Falls! I Ha'n't See'd The Falls Of Niagara Arter All.

What A Devil Of A Take-In That Is,  Ain't It?' And He Dove

Down Stairs Like A Newfoundland Dog Into A Pond Arter A

Stone,  And Out Of Sight In No Time.

 

"Now,  You Are As Like Rufe,  As Two Peas,  Squire. You Want

To Say,  You Was To Liverpool,  But You Don't Want To See

Nothin'.'

 

"Waiter."

 

"Sir."

 

"Is This Liverpool,  I See Out Of The Winder?"

 

"Yes,  Sir."

 

"Guess I Have Seen Liverpool Then. So This Is The Great

City Of Liverpool,  Eh? When Does The Train Start For

London?"

 

"In Half An Hour,  Sir?"

 

"Book Me For London Then,  For I Have Been To Liverpool

And Seen The City. Oh,  Take Your Place,  Squire,  You Have

Seen Liverpool; And If You See As Much Of All Other

Places,  As You Have Of This Here One,  Afore You Return

Home,  You Will Know Most As Much Of England As Them Do

That Never Was There At All.

 

"I Am Sorry Too,  You Won't Go,  Squire," Added He,  "For

Minister Seems Kinder Dull."

 

"Don't Say Another Word,  Mr. Slick," Said I; "Every Thing

Shall Give Way To Him." And Locking Up My Writing-Desk

I Said: "I Am Ready."

 

"Stop,  Squire," Said He,  "I've Got A Favour To Ask Of

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 43

You. Don't For Gracious Sake,  Say Nothin' Before Mr.

Hopewell About That 'Ere Lark I Had Last Night Arter

Landin',  It Would Sorter Worry Him,  And Set Him Off

A-Preachin',  And I'd Rather He'd Strike Me Any Time Amost

Than Lectur,  For He Does It So Tender And Kindly,  It

Hurts My Feelins _Like_,  A Considerable Sum. I've Had A

Pretty How-Do-Ye-Do About It This Mornin',  And Have Had

To Plank Down Handsum',  And Do The Thing Genteel; But

Mister Landlord Found,  I Reckon,  He Had No Fool To Deal

With,  Nother. He Comes To Me,  As Soon As I Was Cleverly

Up This Mornin',  Lookin' As Full Of Importance,  As Jube

Japan Did When I Put The Legation Button On Him.

 

"'Bad Business This,  Sir,' Says He; 'Never Had Such A

Scene In My House Before,  Sir; Have Had Great Difficulty

To Prevent My Sarvants Takin' The Law Of You.'

 

"'Ah,' Sais I To Myself,  'I See How The Cat Jumps; Here's

A Little Tid Bit Of Extortion Now; But You Won't Find

That No Go,  I Don't Think.'

 

"'You Will Have To Satisfy Them,  Sir,' Says He,  'Or Take

The Consequences.'

 

"'Sartainly,' Said I,  'Any Thin' You Please: I Leave It

Entirely To You; Jist Name What You Think Proper,  And I

Will Liquidate It.'

 

"'I Said,  I Knew You Would Behave Like A Gentleman,  Sir,'

Sais He,  'For,  Sais I,  Don't Talk To Me Of Law,  Name It

To The Gentleman,  And He'll Do What Is Right; He'll Behave

Liberal,  You May Depend.'

 

"'You Said Right,' Sais I,  'And Now,  Sir,  What's The

Damage?'

 

"'Fifty Pounds,  I Should Think About The Thing,  Sir,'

Said He.

 

"'Certainly,' Said I,  'You Shall Have The Fifty Pounds,

But You Must Give Me A Receipt In Full For It.'

 

"'By All Means,' Said He,  And He Was A Cuttin' Off Full

Chisel To Get A Stamp,  When I Sais,  'Stop,' Sais I,

'Uncle,  Mind And Put In The Receipt,  The Bill Of Items,

And Charge 'Em Separate?'

 

"'Bill Of Items? Sais He.

 

"'Yes,' Sais I,  'Let Me See What Each Is To Get. Well,

There's The Waiter,  Now. Say To Knockin' Down The Waiter

And Kicking Him,  So Much; Then There's The Barmaid So

Much,  And So On. I Make No Objection,  I Am Willin' To

Pay All You Ask,  But I Want To Include All,  For I Intend

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 44

To Post A Copy Of It In The Elegant Cabins Of Each Of

Our Splendid New York Liners. This House Convenes The

Americans--They All Know _Me_. I Want Them To Know How

Their _Attache_ Was Imposed On,  And If Any American Ever

Sets Foot In This Cussed House Agin I Will Pay His Bill,

And Post That Up Too,  As A Letter Of Credit For Him.'

 

"'You Wouldn't Take That Advantage Of Me,  Sir?' Said He.

 

"'I Take No Advantage,' Sais I. 'I'll Pay You What You

Ask,  But You Shall Never Take Advantage Agin Of Another

Free And Enlightened American Citizen,  I Can Tell You.'

 

"'You Must Keep Your Money Then,  Sir,' Said He,  'But This

Is Not A Fair Deal; No Gentleman Would Do It.'

 

"'What's Fair,  I Am Willin' To Do,' Sais I; 'What's

Onfair,  Is What You Want To Do. Now,  Look Here: I Knocked

The Waiter Down; Here Is Two Sovereigns For Him; I Won't

Pay Him Nothin' For The Kickin',  For That I Give Him Out

Of Contempt,  For Not Defendin' Of Himself. Here's Three

Sovereigns For The Bar-Maid; She Don't Ought To Have

Nothin',  For She Never Got So Innocent A Kiss Afore,  In

All Her Born Days I Know,  For I Didn't Mean No Harm,  And

She Never Got So Good A One Afore Nother,  That's A Fact;

But Then _I_ Ought To Pay,  I Do Suppose,  Because I Hadn't

Ought To Treat A Lady That Way; It Was Onhansum',  That's

Fact; And Besides,  It Tante Right To Give The Galls A

Taste For Such Things. They Come Fast Enough In The

Nateral Way,  Do Kisses,  Without Inokilatin' Folks For

'Em. And Here's A Sovereign For The Scoldin' And Siscerarin'

You Gave The Maid,  That Spilt The Coals And That's An

Eend Of The Matter,  And I Don't Want No Receipt.'

 

"Well,  He Bowed And Walked Off,  Without Sayin' Of A Word."

 

Here Mr. Hopewell Joined Us,  And We Descended To The

Street,  To Commence Our Perambulation Of The City; But

It Had Begun To Rain,  And We Were Compelled To Defer It

Until The Next Day.

 

"Well,  It Ain't Much Matter,  Squire," Said Mr. Slick:

"Ain't That Liverpool,  I See Out Of The Winder? Well,

Then I've Been To Liverpool.