The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (best reads txt) 📖

When There Was Any

Thing He Could Not Approve Of,  It Appeared To Be A Subject

Of Regret To Him; Whereas,  The Other Seized Upon It At

Once As A Matter Of Great Exultation. The First Sight We

Had Of Land Naturally Called Out Their Respective Opinions.

 

As We Were Pacing The Deck Speculating Upon The Probable

Termination Of Our Voyage,  Cape Clear Was Descried By

Volume 1 Chapter 7 (A Gentleman At Large) Pg 35

The Look-Out On The Mast-Head.

 

"Hallo! What's That? Why If It Ain't Land Ahead,  As I'm

Alive!" Said Mr. Slick. "Well,  Come This Is Pleasant

Too,  We Have Made Amost An Everlastin' Short Voyage Of

It,  Hante We; And I Must Say I Like Land Quite As Well

As Sea,  In A Giniral Way,  Arter All; But,  Squire,  Here

Is The First Britisher. That Critter That's A Clawin' Up

The Side Of The Vessel Like A Cat,  Is The Pilot: Now Do

For Goodness Gracious Sake,  Jist Look At Him,  And Hear

Him."

 

"What Port?"

 

"Liverpool."

 

"Keep Her Up A Point."

 

"Do You Hear That,  Squire? That's English,  Or What We

Used To Call To Singing School Short Metre. The Critter

Don't Say A Word,  Even As Much As 'By Your Leave'; But

Jist Goes And Takes His Post,  And Don't Ask The Name Of

The Vessel,  Or Pass The Time O' Day With The Captin. That

Ain't In The Bill,  It Tante Paid For That; If It Was,

He'd Off Cap,  Touch The Deck Three Times With His Forehead,

And '_Slam_' Like A Turk To His Honour The Skipper.

 

"There's Plenty Of Civility Here To England If You Pay

For It: You Can Buy As Much In Five Minits,  As Will Make

You Sick For A Week; But If You Don't Pay For It,  You

Not Only Won't Get It,  But You Get Sarce Instead Of It,

That Is If You Are Fool Enough To Stand And Have It Rubbed

In. They Are As Cold As Presbyterian Charity,  And Mean

Enough To Put The Sun In Eclipse,  Are The English. They

Hante Set Up The Brazen Image Here To Worship,  But They've

Got A Gold One,  And That They Do Adore And No Mistake;

It's All Pay,  Pay,  Pay; Parquisite,  Parquisite,  Parquisite;

Extortion,  Extortion,  Extortion. There Is A Whole Pack

Of Yelpin' Devils To Your Heels Here,  For Everlastinly

A Cringin',  Fawnin' And Coaxin',  Or Snarlin',  Grumblin'

Or Bullyin' You Out Of Your Money. There's The Boatman,

And Tide-Waiter,  And Porter,  And Custom-Er,  And Truck

Man As Soon As You Land; And The Sarvant-Man,  And

Chamber-Gall,  And Boots,  And Porter Again To The Inn.

And Then On The Road,  There Is Trunk-Lifter,  And Coachman,

And Guard,  And Beggar-Man,  And A Critter That Opens The

Coach Door,  That They Calls A Waterman,  Cause He Is

Infarnal Dirty,  And Never Sees Water. They Are Jist Like

A Snarl O' Snakes,  Their Name Is Legion And There Ain't

No Eend To 'Em.

 

"The Only Thing You Get For Nothin' Here Is Rain And

Smoke,  The Rumatiz,  And Scorny Airs. If You Could Buy An

Englishman At What He Was Worth,  And Sell Him At His Own

Valiation,  He Would Realise As Much As A Nigger,  And

Would Be Worth Tradin' In,  That's A Fact; But As It Is

He Ain't Worth Nothin',  There Is No Market For Such

Critters,  No One Would Buy Him At No Price. A Scotchman

Is Wus,  For He Is Prouder And Meaner. Pat Ain't No Better

Nother; He Ain't Proud,  Cause He Has A Hole In His Breeches

And Another In His Elbow,  And He Thinks Pride Won't Patch

'Em,  And He Ain't Mean Cause He Hante Got Nothin' To Be

Mean With. Whether It Takes Nine Tailors To Make A Man,

I Can't Jist Exactly Say,  But This I Will Say,  And Take

My Davy Of It Too,  That It Would Take Three Such Goneys

As These To Make A Pattern For One Of Our Rael Genu_Wine_

Free And Enlightened Citizens,  And Then I Wouldn't Swap

Without Large Boot,  I Tell You. Guess I'll Go,  And Pack

Up My Fixing And Have 'Em Ready To Land."

 

He Now Went Below,  Leaving Mr. Hopewell And Myself On

The Deck. All This Tirade Of Mr. Slick Was Uttered In

The Hearing Of The Pilot,  And Intended Rather For His

Conciliation,  Than My Instruction. The Pilot Was Immoveable;

He Let The Cause Against His Country Go "By Default,"

And Left Us To Our Process Of "Inquiry;" But When Mr.

Slick Was In The Act Of Descending To The Cabin,  Be Turned

And Gave Him A Look Of Admeasurement,  Very Similar To

That Which A Grazier Gives An Ox; A Look Which Estimates

The Weight And Value Of The Animal,  And I Am Bound To

Admit,  That The Result Of That "Sizing Or Laying" As It

Is Technically Called,  Was By No Means Favourable To The

Attache".

 

Mr. Hopewell Had Evidently Not Attended To It; His Eye

Was Fixed On The Bold And Precipitous Shore Of Wales,

And The Lofty Summits Of The Everlasting Hills,  That In

The Distance,  Aspired To A Companionship With The Clouds.

I Took My Seat At A Little Distance From Him And Surveyed

The Scene With Mingled Feelings Of Curiosity And Admiration,

Until A Thick Volume Of Sulphureous Smoke From The Copper

Furnaces Of Anglesey Intercepted Our View.

 

"Squire," Said He,  "It Is Impossible For Us To Contemplate

This Country,  That Now Lies Before Us,  Without Strong

Emotion. It Is Our Fatherland. I Recollect When I Was A

Colonist,  As You Are,  We Were In The Habit Of Applying

To It,  In Common With Englishmen,  That Endearing Appellation

"Home," And I Believe You Still Continue To Do So In The

Provinces. Our Nursery Tales,  Taught Our Infant Lips To

Lisp In English,  And The Ballads,  That First Exercised

Our Memories,  Stored The Mind With The Traditions Of Our

Forefathers; Their Literature Was Our Literature,  Their

Religion Our Religion,  Their History Our History. The

Battle Of Hastings,  The Murder Of Becket,  The Signature

Of Runymede,  The Execution At Whitehall; The Divines,

The Poets,  The Orators,  The Heroes,  The Martyrs,  Each

And All Were Familiar To Us.

Volume 1 Chapter 7 (A Gentleman At Large) Pg 36

 

"In Approaching This Country Now,  After A Lapse Of Many,

Many Years,  And Approaching It Too For The Last Time,

For Mine Eyes Shall See It No More,  I Cannot Describe To

You The Feelings That Agitate My Heart. I Go To Visit

The Tombs Of My Ancestors; I Go To My Home,  And My Home

Knoweth Me No More. Great And Good,  And Brave And Free

Are The English; And May God Grant That They May Ever

Continue So!"

 

"I Cordially Join In That Prayer,  Sir," Said I; "You Have

A Country Of Your Own. The Old Colonies Having Ripened

Into Maturity,  Formed A Distinct And Separate Family,  In

The Great Community Of Mankind. You Are Now A Nation Of

Yourselves,  And Your Attachment To England,  Is Of Course

Subordinate To That Of Your Own Country; You View It As

The Place That Was In Days Of Yore The Home Of Your

Forefathers; We Regard It As The Paternal Estate,  Continuing

To Call It 'Home' As You Have Just Now Observed. We Owe

It A Debt Of Gratitude That Not Only Cannot Be Repaid,

But Is Too Great For Expression. Their Armies Protect Us

Within,  And Their Fleets Defend Us,  And Our Commerce

Without. Their Government Is Not Only Paternal And

Indulgent,  But Is Wholly Gratuitous. We Neither Pay These

Forces,  Nor Feed Them,  Nor Clothe Them. We Not Only Raise

No Taxes,  But Are Not Expected To Do So. The Blessings

Of True Religion Are Diffused Among Us,  By The Pious

Liberality Of England,  And A Collegiate Establishment At

Windsor,  Supported By British Friends,  Has For Years

Supplied The Church,  The Bar And The Legislature With

Scholars And Gentlemen. Where The National Funds Have

Failed,  Private Contribution Has Volunteered Its Aid,

And Means Are Never Wanting For Any Useful Or Beneficial

Object.

 

"Our Condition Is A Most Enviable One. The History Of

The World Has No Example To Offer Of Such Noble

Disinterestedness And Such Liberal Rule,  As That Exhibited

By Great Britain To Her Colonies. If The Policy Of The

Colonial Office Is Not Always Good (Which I Fear Is Too

Much To Say) It Is Ever Liberal; And If We Do Not Mutually

Derive All The Benefit We Might From The Connexion,  _We_,

At Least,  Reap More Solid Advantages Than We Have A Right

To Expect,  And More,  I Am Afraid,  Than Our Conduct Always

Deserves. I Hope The Secretary For The Colonies May Have

The Advantage Of Making Your Acquaintance,  Sir. Your

Experience Is So Great,  You Might Give Him A Vast Deal

Of Useful Information,  Which He Could Obtain From No One

Else.

 

"Minister," Said Mr. Slick,  Who Had Just Mounted The

Companion-Ladder,  "Will Your Honour," Touching His Hat,

"Jist Look At Your Honour's Plunder,  And See It's All

Right; Remember Me,  Sir; Thank Your Honour. This Way,

Volume 1 Chapter 7 (A Gentleman At Large) Pg 37

Sir; Let Me Help Your Honour Down. Remember Me Again,

Sir. Thank Your Honour. Now You May Go And Break Your

Neck,  Your Honour,  As Soon As You Please; For I've Got

All Out Of You I Can Squeeze,  That's A Fact. That's

English,  Squire--That's English Servility,  Which They

Call Civility,  And English Meanness And Beggin',  Which

They Call Parquisite. Who Was That You Wanted To See The

Minister,  That I Heerd You A Talkin' Of When I Come On

Deck?"

 

"The Secretary Of The Colonies," I Said.

 

"Oh For Goodness Sake Don't Send That Crittur To Him,"

Said He,  "Or Minister Will Have To Pay Him For His Visit,

More,  P'raps,  Than He Can Afford. John Russell,  That Had

The Ribbons Afore Him,  Appointed A Settler As A Member

Of Legislative Council To Prince Edward's Island,  A Berth

That Has No Pay,  That Takes A Feller Three Months A Year

From Home,  And Has A Horrid Sight To Do; And What Do You

Think He Did? Now Jist Guess. You Give It Up,  Do You?

Well,  You Might As Well,  For If You Was Five Yankees

Biled Down To One,  You Wouldn't Guess It. 'Remember

Secretary's Clerk,' Says He,  A Touchin' Of His Hat,  'Give

Him A Little Tip Of Thirty Pound Sterling,  Your Honour.'

Well,  Colonist Had A Drop Of Yankee Blood In Him,  Which

Was About One Third Molasses,  And,  Of Course,  One Third

More Of A Man Than They Commonly Is,  And So He Jist Ups

And Says,  'I'll See You And Your Clerk To Jericho Beyond

Jordan Fust. The Office Ain't Worth The Fee. Take It And

Sell It To Some One Else That Has