Shame Of Maastricht: The Revelation of Misery by Marie N. Hallen (best way to read books .TXT) 📖

fool yourself. I also hate it when they say I look good and that I don’t need anything like dieting, makeup and other things. It’s such a lie… All my life my parents and relatives, their friends kept telling me I’m the most beautiful in the world. They kept convincing me that I don’t need makeup or fancy clothes. They called all my friends, schoolmates and all my peers ugly, always emphasizing that I’m a princess, an angel and that there is no one more beautiful in the world. The biggest lie was about my legs. I’m not tall, but they kept saying I have long legs. What hypocrisy.... The worst flattery I’ve ever heard. Long legs with my height? Ha! And, by the way, although they kept calling me the most beautiful, I was always neutral. I mean I didn’t care how I looked, I always thought I’m ok and that my appearance was not bad. Until I became older and all my peers my parents called ugly, became pretty and it would be a lie to say they looked bad. And I left behind. Later I realized that I was living with my eyes closed. They worked on themselves, they worked on self-improvement, they managed to develop, to get fit, to bloom… While I was living a lie. Now I’m the ugliest among them. Yes, this is called dysmorphophobia.”

“Is this why you starve yourself? No offense, but if you are almost cachectic. Do you really think this is beautiful?”

“No. My dysmorphophobia is just a side effect. It’s nothing. This is not the case. I stopped eating because I wanted to die. I want to die the way I want. I choose this way. It’s good when you die the death that you choose. It’s not painful. I’m just wasting away. Approaching this black hole. Nothing left. I feel so empty, I don't even feel the pain. This is the necrosis of feelings. Apathy. There is one more thing. Kate, I was drug addicted. I found a way to alter my mind, my state and get away from this suffering. The medication didn't help, but I got my hands on drugs and it worked. For a while. I was lost in this colourful forest caused by consciousness expansion or how they call it… But then I had to give up because it stopped working. Yes, my addiction ended. No, I don’t do drugs any more. If they could help me… If they could grant me that freedom of mind, inspiration, new potential, new hope, new illusions, even fake ones… If I could doze off, become someone else, even by paying for this with my life, health or sanity, I would sacrifice it all. I would agree to rot and burn, while being lost in the promised land. But I never reached it, it’s not real. For a moment it seemed to me I could become happier and end up in another place… But no. I think I’m really doomed and there will be no relief. Doctor says I should fight and get over it. But I’m too weak, too weak to exist. I pray for death every day. And I’m too much of a coward to commit suicide again. I don’t need help. I don’t need anything. I don’t need treatment, medication, I don’t want love and caring. I won’t appreciate it. I don’t want to feel like I owe something to someone. I don’t want to take the responsibility. If you could let me worship you, I would be happier. Because I want it. Yes, I’m selfish.”

Kate was listening to Sterre in astonishment, unable to comment on it. This was what Kate was afraid most. And what she was afraid of most, happened to Sterre so Kate could see this from the side. Although she still didn’t know why, she felt that the reason why Sterre suffered was objective. It couldn’t be clinical depression caused by side effects of health issues, like lack of some substances, genetics, illness. She couldn’t call Sterre a toxic or negative person who is focused on the negative things while refusing to see the positive sides of life. At some point she was one step away from Sterre’s condition. And if the police appeared before Bas could kill Lotte and all three were subsequently released, she would end up in Sterre’s shoes, unable to live her life, but also unable to end it. If she could forget Luuk and be unaware of his existence, she wouldn’t be able to become happy either. Because she had always felt something was wrong, before she met him. She could see it everywhere. In empty and meaningless conversations with hundreds of men she used to know and go out with, in futile events and boring concerts she attended as a student with boring companies who felt like aliens, then in even more boring activities with her colleagues at work. She always knew she needed someone like him. And then he came into her life. It would be scary even to imagine what her life would be if there was no Luuk.

“You can do anything you wish as long as it brings you relief,” Kate replied and hugged Sterre. “I will tell you something later. But go on…”

“I know there are people who are much less happy than me for obvious reasons. I know there are people who suffer every day from a real disease which doesn’t let them live the life they want or achieve their goals, find their love. I know there are people who starve due to objective reasons, who go through hell every day. I know there are poor ones or those who are imprisoned, tortured and abused. Prisoners of war... Also, children and the old ones. I know it’s not me who needs relief. I know they have to accept things and try to enjoy the remains of their lives. But I don’t want to accept the reality. I don’t want to be one of them. I don’t want to live like them. I refuse to accept it. I deny everything. I don’t want to live like them. To agree with the misery. Go hard or go home.”

“I understand this too,” Kate sighed and told Sterre about her experience and possible consequences if Lotte survived.

“I know I sound selfish too,” Kate said in conclusion, “But I didn’t want to accept it either.”

“And what would you do if Luuk got killed? What if they kill him now? What if this time he doesn’t survive?” Sterre asked.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I can’t just live my life without him. And I’m afraid to imagine. So stupid… I never wanted this either. I never thought an obsession would rule my life and dictate… This dictatorship over your mind. But you know what? I do remember something about black holes. And from what I know, although supermassive or not, they don’t last forever. They do dissolve with time. They just shrink and vanish.”

 

Face To Face

Face To Face

“Luuk! Wake up! They are already here!” Someone's loud voice awakened Luuk who was sleeping crouched in his cage. He opened his eyes and saw Ruben and Bram standing in front of him with guns and handcuffs. They opened the cage carefully, led him to the bathroom and sent him back to the cage once he finished everything. Bram brought him breakfast and water. Luuk was happy he didn’t have to wear chains or handcuffs this time.

“Who is here?” he asked.

“People you will talk to. I can’t introduce them before they arrive. They didn’t allow us.”

“Let me out! I’m sick of this fucking cage!” Luuk flamed out.

“Depends on what they decide. It’s not our business as we said.”

“Morons. Just let me see these assholes, I’m gonna tear them apart!”

“You won’t. But I suggest you will be surprised,” Ruben laughed. “I can’t wait to see your face when it all begins.”

“Are you a satanic cult or what? Sounds like you want to sacrifice me. What the hell?” Luuk laughed back. “Looks like a circus, indeed.”

“Worse. Oh, nice, they are calling me!” Ruben went out and came back a few moments later. “Martijn says they will arrive in a few minutes. Shut up and behave quiet. They can’t stand arrogant people.”

Luuk turned away and pretended he was trying to catch some sleep again. He was about to fall asleep when the door opened once again and a few more people entered the room. He heard them sit down on the creaky chairs near the table.

“Get up!” Martijn commanded. Luuk had to obey. He turned around and froze in astonishment. An elderly man and a woman were standing in front of him. Their faces expressed endless sorrow and anger which almost changed them, but he still could recognize these people. Maarten and Nienke Dijkstra. They were here.

“How come?” Luuk asked, unable to come up with a more meaningful reaction. In fact this was all he could say.

“It’s us, who should ask such a question, Luuk,” Nienke replied with a trembling voice, vibrating with hate. “I ask myself every day about how this could happen.”

“I don’t understand. They kidnapped me. Like an animal. In this cage. What… What have I done?”

“And now you act like nothing happened?” Maarten exclaimed in anger and threw a metal object in the cage, aiming at Luuk. It was a metal cup and it hit one of the steel bars, bounced off and rolled away under the table.

“Why can’t you just explain? What have I done to deserve this? I will repeat my question.” Luuk became a bit more brave.

“It’s all your fault. You killed her. You killed your girlfriend. You killed our daughter. You showed no mercy! But what’s worse, you forgot about it the next day. And immediately replaced her with someone else. So you didn’t even love her and that’s why you forgot her so soon, crossed her out of your life, out of your mind, what makes you a true sadist. Now you’re a pathetic drug addict. Your wife, whoever she is, will not lose much if you die.”

It took Luuk a whole minute to realise what happened and the reason why he got kidnapped again. He couldn't even imagine Lotte’s parents were capable of such an action. He expected anything but this. Now they will lynch him. Still hard to believe although logical enough. He tried to bury Lotte deep inside of his memories and never think of what happened that day. He had to make a choice and he didn’t regret it.

“Listen, Luuk, I don’t know how you can live with this. How you can wake up every day, eat, drink, have fun, chill, act like nothing happened,” Thomas said. He seemed a bit calmer but it didn’t really matter as Luuk’s deed was unforgivable. He will take the responsibility.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m really sorry about what happened. But these words don’t mean anything no matter how sincere they are as we can’t get Lotte back. But it was my choice. I saved the one who loved me more. And even more than Lotte. And she was ready to give her life for us both, she wanted me to be happy with