My Struggles by --A-- (paper ebook reader TXT) 📖

"Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Now do not misunderstand me, danger is very real. But fear is a choice" - Cypher Raige

Chapter One


“You know, you look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

I looked up to see Mrs. Jerry frowning down at me, before slipping the English homework onto my desk.

“Everything’s okay,” I assured her, the scratched the back of my neck awkwardly, “Just a little exhausted from the play I went to last night with choir.” Mrs. Jerry nodded and continued passing out the papers to the rest of the class. I slouched back in my seat and sighed. Truth is, I didn’t go to that play with choir last night. Heck. I wasn’t even in choir anymore, but she was right about one thing. I was troubled.

I cooped up in a room with twenty-five other students to be exact. And that scared me to death. Everyone was either giggling with his or her buddies, chatting about the latest fashion trends, or just hacking away on their I phones. While I, on the other hand, sat all by myself in the back of the classroom playing with my leadless, mechanical pencil.


Correction

I wasn’t completely by myself. I had the spiders to keep me company. Sad, I know. But what else was I supposed to do? Go up and actually talk to people. Ha! You Sir. Are crazy.

I scanned the classroom once more, looking over at all the smiling faces.

They look free, I mumbled under my breath, before fiddling with the buttons on my shirt.

Why was I so awkward? I mean, all I have to do is walk up to the other kids my age and say, ‘Hi,’ right? It couldn’t be that hard, but it was. Every time I worked up enough courage to pick up my scrawny little legs and walk over to the giggling teens. There was a teasing voice that always reared its ugly head in.

You know you can’t do it, the voice teased, and even if you do, what will they like about you? You are tall, socially awkward, and ugly. The voice spat.

Was I really that bad, I thought? Was I too ugly to go and talk to people? Tears began to form at the brim of my eyes, so I did what any tough girl would do.

I laid my head down on the hard wooden desk and silently cried for a good thirty minutes on class. I couldn’t be that ugly, but I was indeed tall for a girl. Being 5’11 doesn’t really help you fit in when the majority of your school’s population are all 5’8 and shorter. My hair was naturally straight, so it got pretty boring and lashed with my big eyes. They were a pale green that I had inherited from my mom. Don’t get me wrong they were beautiful on her. But I just couldn’t pull them off, thanks to my golden tanned skin and freckled nose. Thanks dad. I sighed, lifting my head back up to see my teacher smiling broadly.

“Class!” My teacher, clapped here hands trying to get the students attentions, “We have a new student.” She chirped, before motioning the boy by the door to come in.

He was tall, with long golden hair that fell just below his mesmerizing, ocean blue eyes. He walked with his head held high. He had the thing that I oh so craved. Confidence. “Hello everyone.” He spoke in an adorable British accent, before cocking his head and grinning, revealing his beautiful dimples.

The girls swooned, and turned to their friends next to themselves fanning their selves and giggling glancing back to the boy that stood before them, then back to their friends. Real Mature, I sneered under my breath. Mrs. Jerry called for the classes’ attention once again to tell them to settle down, then pointed to a seat in front of Rebecca to sit. The blonde haired blued eyes beauty. Well, there goes my chance at being friends with him.

Wait. What was I thinking? Like I even had a chance in the first placed, I scoffed, gaining the attention of the British Hottie. He then turned to the teacher and whispered something in her ear, and her eyes went wide as she nodded, pointing over to me. A frown grew on her face, as he smiled broadly.

Were they talking about me?!

Well of course you idiot, didn’t the teacher just point at you, stupid. Okay, so maybe I did know that they had to be talking about me, but why? Why were they talking about me? But before I could register what was happening, a scowl formed on Rebecca’s face as the new student made his way pass her and to the back of the class room.

Where I was.

Please don’t. Please don’t sit back here with me. He neared the desk besides me, and then glanced over. Please don’t talk to me, I screamed in my mind as I looked straight ahead, trying to block my view of him.

I heard a loud thud as he dropped his book bag to the ground and plopped down into the seat next to me, then had the decency to look over at me and smile.


“Hi, I’m Charles, but you can call me Charlie.” He stretched out his hand for me. I just looked at it awkwardly. What was I supposed to do with it? Shake it…Slap it? People didn’t really offer up their hands for me to shake or do whatever with on a daily basis, so I was kind of bewildered. So I did the smart thing, I slapped his hand. He dropped his hand after that and continued staring at me, contemplating on what just happened.

“You’re so strange.” He chuckled, “You remind me of my younger sister, Marlin. But when people put their hands in her view she actually shakes them.” Why was he telling me this? Better questions how should I reply…I bit on the side of my cheek.

“Um, sorry. It’s just that, I’m um, not use to the whole hand shaking thing.”

“Really? That’s really weird.” He said bluntly cocking his head to the side, “I like that.” I blushed slightly at his words. Did he like me? No you idiot, he’s just playing with you, the voice in my head mocked. Oh. I sighed, my heart dropping a little. I looked back at the Gu-I mean Charlie and frowned.

“Are you messing with me? If so, leave me alone.”

He looked fazed by my words. “No, I really meant that. You are a funny one.” He smiled, “Besides, why would I mess with such a pretty girl like you?” He smiled again, revealing those beautiful dimples that would make any girl melt. My cheeks burned, “I-I’m not pretty.” I blurted out like an idiot.

“Yes you are.” He stated, “Anyways, I told you my name. So what’s yours?”
“I’m Kandice, with a ‘K,’ but people call me Kandy.” He snorted. “If I saw you in a candy store, you would be my first choice.”

My mouth dropped. Did he really just say such that? I began laugh a little, “Really now?” He nodded his head, grinning like a five year old who had just won a pet fish from the fair. It only made me laughed harder, and louder. Causing the whole class to stare at me and whisper to each other. ‘No way.’ Rebecca whispered to Jane. ‘Is she really laughing?!’ Someone else said. ‘She never talks, so why now?’ A boy scoffed.

I felt light headed and turned back to Charles who looked confused by the expression on my face. It was an expression on sadness, and nervousness. I had to get out of here. I thought, so before Charles could ask what was wrong I dashed for the classroom door, running and running until I was in my safe place. The bathroom.

I stayed there for the remainder of the day, which was only two hours. My name was called over the intercom several times, but I stayed put until ten minutes after the last bell rung to get out of here as quickly as possible without being seen. I slid open the first stall door, and ran for the exit. Not wanting where I was going of course until I clashed with a strong chest, falling hard onto the ground. “Ouch.” I winched, rubbing my leg.

“Are you okay?” A familiar voice called. I scowled once again; fully knowing whom the voice was and looked up. “Brandon. It’s been a while.” He hesitated a moment before reaching down for my wrist and pulling me up, smiling.

“It has.” And that was it before he walked out of my life once again, like the coward he was. I don’t see what I ever saw in him; well of course I could say that. But Brandon, was my first love, the one who helped me threw the years, the one who left me and caused my anxiety filled life.

When people say relationships can either break you or make you. They aren't kidding.

Publication Date: 02-20-2013

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To the people who stuck with me through thick and thin. ~ Also to anyone out there with any kind of Anxiety.