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*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WODEHOUSE MISCELLANY *** Etext produced by Suzanne L. Shell, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team HTML file produced by David Widger








A WODEHOUSE MISCELLANY Articles & Stories By P. G. Wodehouse

[Transcriber's note: This collection of early Wodehouse writings was assembled for Project Gutenberg. Original publication dates for the stories are shown.]





CONTENTS ARTICLES SOME ASPECTS OF GAME-CAPTAINCY AN UNFINISHED COLLECTION THE NEW ADVERTISING THE SECRET PLEASURES OF REGINALD MY BATTLE WITH DRINK IN DEFENSE OF ASTIGMATISM PHOTOGRAPHERS AND ME A PLEA FOR INDOOR GOLF THE ALARMING SPREAD OF POETRY MY LIFE AS A DRAMATIC CRITIC THE AGONIES OF WRITING A MUSICAL COMEDY ON THE WRITING OF LYRICS THE PAST THEATRICAL SEASON POEMS DAMON AND PYTHIAS THE HAUNTED TRAM STORIES WHEN PAPA SWORE IN HINDUSTANI 1901 TOM, DICK, AND HARRY 1905 JEEVES TAKES CHARGE 1916 DISENTANGLING OLD DUGGIE 1912







ARTICLES







SOME ASPECTS OF GAME-CAPTAINCY

To the Game-Captain (of the football variety) the world is peopled by three classes, firstly the keen and regular player, next the partial slacker, thirdly, and lastly, the entire, abject and absolute slacker.

Of the first class, the keen and regular player, little need be said. A keen player is a gem of purest rays serene, and when to his keenness he adds regularity and punctuality, life ceases to become the mere hollow blank that it would otherwise become, and joy reigns supreme.

The absolute slacker (to take the worst at once, and have done with it) needs the pen of a Swift before adequate justice can be done to his enormities. He is a blot, an excrescence. All those moments which are not spent in avoiding games (by means of that leave which is unanimously considered the peculiar property of the French nation) he uses in concocting ingenious excuses. Armed with these, he faces with calmness the disgusting curiosity of the Game-Captain, who officiously desires to know the reason of his non-appearance on the preceding day. These excuses are of the "had-to-go-and-see-a-man-about-a-dog" type, and rarely meet with that success for which their author hopes. In the end he discovers that his chest is weak, or his heart is subject to palpitations, and he forthwith produces a document to this effect, signed by a doctor. This has the desirable result of muzzling the tyrannical Game-Captain, whose sole solace is a look of intense and withering scorn. But this is seldom fatal, and generally, we rejoice to say, ineffectual.

The next type is the partial slacker. He differs from the absolute slacker in that at rare intervals he actually turns up, changed withal into the garb of the game, and thirsting for the fray. At this point begins the time of trouble for the Game-Captain. To begin with, he is forced by stress of ignorance to ask the newcomer his name. This is, of course, an insult of the worst kind. "A being who does not know my name," argues the partial slacker, "must be something not far from a criminal lunatic." The name is, however, extracted, and the partial slacker strides to the arena. Now arises insult No. 2. He is wearing his cap. A hint as to

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