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*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WIT AND HUMOR II. *** Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Library Edition THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA In Ten Volumes VOL. II

JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY

JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER Volume II Funk & Wagnalls Company
New York and London

Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY
CONTENTS
PAGE Archæological Congress, An Robert J. Burdette 390 Aunt Dinah's Kitchen Harriet Beecher Stowe 335 Ballad Charles Godfrey Leland 355 Barney McGee Richard Hovey 223 Beecher Beached, The John B. Tabb 232 Boy's View of It, A Frank L. Stanton 393 Budd Wilkins at the Show S.E. Kiser 352 Colonel's Clothes, The Caroline Howard Gilman 396 Comin' Thu Anne Virginia Culbertson 333 Dutchman Who Had the "Small Pox," The Henry P. Leland 295 Evening Musicale, An May Isabel Fisk 325 Familiar Authors at Work Hayden Carruth 289 Fascination John B. Tabb 222 Golfer's Rubaiyat, The H.W. Boynton 319 Go Lightly, Gal (The Cake Walk) Anne Virginia Culbertson 317 Grandma Keeler Gets Grandpa Ready for Sunday-School Sarah P. McLean Greene 266 Hoosier and the Salt Pile, The Danforth Marble 357 How "Ruby" Played George W. Bagby 311 Letter, A Petroleum V. Nasby 282 Lost Word, The John Paul 293 Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum Wallace Irwin 307 Mr. Dooley on Gold-Seeking Finley Peter Dunne 304 Mr. Dooley on Reform Candidates Finley Peter Dunne 321 Natural Perversities James Whitcomb Riley 350 Nautical Ballad, A Charles E. Carryl 348 Old Deacon's Version of the Story of the Rich Man and Lazarus, The Frank L. Stanton 227 Our Best Society George William Curtis 233 Plagiarism John B. Tabb 316 Recruit, The Robert W. Chambers 230 "Ringworm Frank" James Whitcomb Riley 395 Rival Entertainment, A Kate Field 362 Samuel Brown Phœbe Cary 259 Seffy and Sally John Luther Long 372 She Talked Sam Walter Foss 264 Strike at Hinman's, The Robert J. Burdette 342 Two Brothers, The Carolyn Wells 281 Two Farmers, The Carolyn Wells 258 Two New Houses, The Carolyn Wells 221 Two Suitors, The Carolyn Wells 229 Vive La Bagatelle Gelett Burgess 280 Walk William Devere 300 Way it Wuz, The James Whitcomb Riley 261 Yawcob Strauss Charles Follen Adams 370 Yes? John Boyle O'Reilly 222 COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.

[Pg 221]

THE TWO NEW HOUSES BY CAROLYN WELLS

Once on a Time, there were Two Men, each of whom decided to build for himself a Fine, New House.

One Man, being of an Arrogant and Conceited Nature, took counsel of Nobody, but declared that he would build his House to suit himself.

"For," said he, "since it is My House and I am to Live in It, why should I ask the Advice of my Neighbors as to its Construction?"

While the House was Building, the Neighbors came often and Looked at it, and went away, Whispering and Wagging their Heads in Derision.

But the Man paid no Heed, and continued to build his House as he Would.

The Result was that, when completed, his House was lacking in Symmetry and Utility, and in a Hundred ways it was Unsatisfactory, and for each Defect there was a Neighbor who said, "Had you asked Me, I would have Warned you against that Error."

The Other Man, who was of a Humble and Docile Mind, went to Each of his Neighbors in Turn, and asked Advice about the Building of his House.

His Friends willingly and at Great Length gave him the Benefit of their Experiences and Opinions, and the Grateful Man undertook to Follow Out all their Directions.

The Result was that his House, when finished, was a[Pg 222] Hodge-Podge of Varying Styles and Contradictory Effects, and Exceedingly Uncomfortable and Inconvenient to Live In.

MORALS:

This Fable teaches that In a Multitude of Counselors there is Safety, and that Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth.

YES? BY JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY
The words of the lips are double or single,
True or false, as we say or sing:
But the words of the eyes that mix and mingle
Are always saying the same old thing.
FASCINATION BY JOHN B. TABB
Among your many playmates here,
How is it that you all prefer
Your little friend, my dear?
"Because, mamma, tho' hard we try,
Not one of us can spit so high,
And catch it in his ear."
[Pg 223] BARNEY MCGEE BY RICHARD HOVEY
Barney McGee, there's no end of good luck in you,
Will-o'-the-wisp, with a flicker of Puck in you,
Wild as a bull-pup, and all of his pluck in you—
Let a man tread on your coat and he'll see!
Eyes like the lakes of Killarney for clarity,
Nose that turns up without any vulgarity,
Smile like a cherub, and hair that is carroty—
Whoop, you're a rarity, Barney McGee!
Mellow as Tarragon,
Prouder than Aragon—
Hardly a paragon,
You will agree—
Here's all that's fine to you!
Books and old wine to you!
Girls be divine to you,
Barney McGee!
Lucky the day when I met you unwittingly,
Dining where vagabonds came and went flittingly.
Here's some Barbera to drink it befittingly,
That day at Silvio's, Barney McGee!
Many's the time we have quaffed our Chianti there,
Listened to Silvio quoting us Dante there—
Once more to drink Nebiolo spumante there,
How we'd pitch Pommery into the sea!
There where the gang of us
Met ere Rome rang of us,[Pg 224]
They had the hang of us
To a degree.
How they would trust to you!
That was but just to you.
Here's o'er their dust to you,
Barney McGee!
Barney McGee, when you're sober you scintillate,
But when you're in drink you're the pride of the intellect;
Divil a one of us ever came in till late,
Once at the bar where you happened to be—
Every eye there like a spoke in you centering,
You with your eloquence, blarney, and bantering—
All Vagabondia shouts at your entering,
King of the Tenderloin, Barney McGee!
There's no satiety
In your society
With the variety
Of your esprit.
Here's a long purse to you,
And a great thirst to you!
Fate be no worse to you,
Barney McGee!
Och, and the girls whose poor hearts you deracinate,
Whirl and bewilder and flutter and fascinate!
Faith, it's so killing you are, you assassinate—
Murder's the word for you, Barney McGee!
Bold when they're sunny, and smooth when they're showery—
Oh, but the style of you, fluent and flowery!
Chesterfield's way, with a touch of the Bowery!
How would they silence you, Barney machree?
Naught can your gab allay,[Pg 225]
Learned as Rabelais
(You in his abbey lay
Once on the spree).
Here's to the smile of you,
(Oh, but the guile of you!)
And a long while of you,
Barney McGee!
Facile with phrases of length and Latinity,
Like honorificabilitudinity,
Where is the maid could resist your vicinity,
Wiled by the impudent grace of your plea?
Then your vivacity and pertinacity
Carry the day with the divil's audacity;
No mere veracity robs your sagacity
Of perspicacity, Barney McGee.
When all is new to them,
What will you do to them?
Will you be true to them?
Who shall decree?
Here's a fair strife to you!
Health and long life to you!
And a great wife to you, Barney McGee!
Barney McGee, you're the pick of gentility;
Nothing can phase you, you've such a facility;
Nobody ever yet found your utility—
There is the charm of you, Barney McGee;
Under conditions that others would stammer in,
Still unperturbed as a cat or a Cameron,
Polished as somebody in the Decameron,
Putting the glamour on price or Pawnee.
In your meanderin',
Love and philanderin',[Pg 226]
Calm as a mandarin
Sipping his tea!
Under the art of you,
Parcel and part of you,
Here's to the heart of you,
Barney McGee!
You who were ever alert to befriend a man,
You who were ever the first to defend a man,
You who had always the money to lend a man,
Down on his luck and hard up for a V!
Sure, you'll be playing a harp in beatitude
(And a quare sight you will be in that attitude)—
Some day, where gratitude seems but a platitude,
You'll find your latitude, Barney McGee.
That's no flim-flam at all,
Frivol or sham at all,
Just the plain—Damn it all,
Have one with me!
Here's one and more to you!
Friends by the score to you,
True to the core to you,
Barney McGee!
[Pg 227] THE OLD DEACON'S VERSION OF THE STORY OF THE RICH MAN AND LAZARUS BY FRANK L. STANTON
I s'pose yo' know de story, O my brotherin', er de man
Dat wuz rich ez cream, en livin' on de fatness er de lan'?
How he sot dar eatin' 'possum, en when Laz'rus ax fer some,
He tell 'im: "Git erway, dar! fer you'll never git a crumb!"
De rich man wuz a feastin' f'um his chiny plate en cup,
Kaze he 'fraid his po' relations come en eat his wittles up;
I spec' he had two 'possums on de table long en wide,
En a jimmyjohn er cane juice wuz a-settin' by his side.
En he say: "Dis heah des suits me, en I gwine ter eat my fill;
But I'll sic de dogs on Laz'rus, ef he waitin' roun' heah still."
En de dogs commence dey barkin', raise a racket high en low,
En when Laz'rus see 'em comin' he decide 'twuz time ter go.
So, he limp off on his crutches, en de rich man think it's fun,
But I reckon Laz'rus answer: "I'll git even wid you, son!"
De rich man so enjoy hisse'f he laugh hisse'f ter bed,
En, brotherin', when he wake up he wuz stiff, stone dead![Pg 228]
En den he raise a racket, en he holler out: "What dis?
De place is onfamiliar, en I wonder whar' I is?"
Den Satan, he mek answer: "I'm de man ter tell you dat:
You's in de fire department er de place I livin' at!"
Den de rich man say: "Whar' Laz'rus dat wuz beggin' at my gate?"
En Satan tell him: "Yander, wid a silver spoon en plate;
En he eatin' fit ter kill hisse'f! He spendin' er de day
Wid good ol' Mister Abra'm, but he mighty fur away!"
"Will you please, suh," say de rich man, "ax him bring a drink ter me,
Wid a li'l' ice ter cool it? Kaze I hot ez hot kin be!"
But Satan fall ter laughin', whilst
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