Nonsense Books by Edward Lear (latest books to read txt) 📖
- Author: Edward Lear
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And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them.
Amblongus Pie Crumbobblious Cutlets Gosky Patties
Extract from the Nonsense Gazette, for August, 1870.
"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the Hill Orfeltugg." THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.Take 4 pounds (say 4½ pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin.
Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.
When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously.
Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.
Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.
Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters.
Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time.
Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible.
Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,— eight, or perhaps nine times.
When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle.
Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place, —say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,— and leave it there for about a week.
At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.
Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin.
Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.
Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.
When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.
Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.
If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.
Baccopipia Gracilis Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia Cockatooca Superba Fishia Marina Guittara Pensilis Manypeeplia Upsidownia Phattfacia Stupenda Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis Plumbunnia Nutritiosa Pollybirdia Singularis
Baccopipia Gracilis.
Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.
Cockatooca Superba.
Fishia Marina.
Guittara Pensilis.
Manypeeplia Upsidownia.
Phattfacia Stupenda.
Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.
Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.
Pollybirdia Singularis.
No. 1 No. 2 No. 3
A
A was an ant
Who seldom stood still,
And who made a nice house
In the side of a hill.
a
Nice little ant!
B
B was a book
With a binding of blue,
And pictures and stories
For me and for you.
b
Nice little book!
C
C was a cat
Who ran after a rat;
But his courage did fail
When she seized on his tail.
c
Crafty old cat!
D
D was a duck
With spots on his back,
Who lived in the water,
And always said "Quack!"
d
Dear little duck!
E
E was an elephant,
Stately and wise:
He had tusks and a trunk,
And two queer little eyes.
e
Oh, what funny small eyes!
F
F was a fish
Who was caught in a net;
But he got out again,
And is quite alive yet.
f
Lively young fish!
G
G was a goat
Who was spotted with brown:
When he did not lie still
He walked up and down.
g
Good little goat!
H
H was a hat
Which was all on one side;
Its crown was too high,
And its brim was too wide.
h
Oh, what a hat!
I
I was some ice
So white and so nice,
But which nobody tasted;
And so it was wasted.
i
All that good ice!
J
J was a jackdaw
Who hopped up and down
In the principal street
Of a neighboring town.
j
All through the town!
K
K was a kite
Which flew out of sight,
Above houses so high,
Quite into the sky.
k
Fly away, kite!
L
L was a light
Which burned all the night,
And lighted the gloom
Of a very dark room.
l
Useful nice light!
M
M was a mill
Which stood on a hill,
And turned round and round
With a loud hummy sound.
m
Useful old mill!
N
N was a net
Which was thrown in the sea
To catch fish for dinner
For you and for me.
n
Nice little net!
O
O was an orange
So yellow and round:
When it fell off the tree,
It fell down to the ground.
o
Down to the ground!
P
P was a pig,
Who was not very big;
But his tail was too curly,
And that made him surly.
p
Cross little pig!
Q
Q was a quail
With a very short tail;
And he fed upon corn
In the evening and morn.
q
Quaint little quail!
R
R was a rabbit,
Who had a bad habit
Of eating the flowers
In gardens and bowers.
r
Naughty fat rabbit!
S
S was the sugar-tongs,
Nippity-nee,
To take up the sugar
To put in our tea.
s
Nippity-nee!
T
T was a tortoise,
All yellow and black:
He walked slowly away,
And he never came back.
t
Torty never came back!
U
U was an urn
All polished and bright,
And full of hot water
At noon and at night.
u
Useful old urn!
V
V was a villa
Which stood on a hill,
By the side of a river,
And close to a mill.
v
Nice little villa!
W
W was a whale
With a very long tail,
Whose movements were frantic
Across the Atlantic.
w
Monstrous old whale!
X
X was King Xerxes,
Who, more than all Turks, is
Renowned for his fashion
Of fury and passion.
x
Angry old Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yew,
Which flourished and grew
By a quiet abode
Near the side of a road.
y
Dark little yew!
Z
Z was some zinc,
So shiny and bright,
Which caused you to wink
In the sun's merry light.
z
Beautiful zinc!
A
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