The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (best free ereader TXT) 📖
- Author: Mark Lemon
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He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
For from the fact we draw the inference,
He's that which never has been made a peer.
CCCLXXIX.—A BROAD-BRIM HINT.
A quaker said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design to hit the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower."[Pg 82]
CCCLXXX.—AN ORDER FOR TWO.At the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr. Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"—"admit two pounds two."
CCCLXXXI.—EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
'Tis that his labors always lay,
Less on his brain than on his jaws.
CCCLXXXII.—MARRIAGE.
A widower, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my dear, nobody regrets her loss more than I do."
CCCLXXXIII.—FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.A young man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the length of my sermon to-day?"—"No, sir, not at all; nor by the depth either!" The young man was silent.
CCCLXXXIV.—VISIBLE PROOF.An Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a huge scar on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.
CCCLXXXV.—SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.The great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and[Pg 83] Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by fixing the weathercock in that direction.
CCCLXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
The bad own their Edge and the good own their worth.
CCCLXXXVII.—KEEN REPLY.
A retired vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has made its nest."
CCCLXXXVIII.—A GOOD EXAMPLE.In the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other speakers in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President.
CCCLXXXIX.—A CERTAINTY.A physician passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?"—"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and you are doctoring him; then I keep right on."
CCCXC.—NOMINAL RHYMES.THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.
Said Alderman Birch;
[Pg 84] I take it for herring,
Said Alderman Perring.
This jack's very good,
Said Alderman Wood;
But its bones might a man slay,
Said Alderman Ansley.
I'll butter what I get,
Said Alderman Heygate.
Give me some stewed carp,
Said Alderman Thorp;
The roe's dry as pith,
Said Aldermen Smith.
Don't cut so far down,
Said Alderman Brown;
But nearer the fin,
Said Alderman Glyn.
I've finished, i'faith, man,
Said Alderman Waithman:
And I too, i'fatkins,
Said Alderman Atkins.
They've crimped this cod drolly,
Said Alderman Scholey;
'T is bruised at the ridges,
Said Alderman Brydges.
Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
Said Alderman Magnay.
'T was brought by two men,
Said Alderman Ven-
ables: Yes, in a box,
Said Alderman Cox.
They care not how fur 'tis,
Said Alderman Curtis;
From air kept, and from sun,
Said Alderman Thompson;
Packed neatly in straw,
Said Alderman Shaw:
In ice got from Gunter,
Said Alderman Hunter.
This ketchup is sour,
Said Alderman Flower;
Then steep it in claret,
Said Alderman Garret.
[Pg 85] CCCXCI.—A BROAD HINT.
Charles II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the king said, "That's a good stroke for a dean."—"I'll give it the stroke of a bishop if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive rejoinder.
CCCXCII.—VAILS TO SERVANTS.To such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N——, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take silver."—"Don't you, indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then I do."
CCCXCIII.—QUITE TRUE.Avarice is criminal poverty.
CCCXCIV.—CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
"That 'tis the outer product of your head,
And not the inner, you commit to paper!"
CCCXCV.—THE POLITE SCHOLAR.
A scholar and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall." The scholar answered, "But I do, sir;" and so passed by him.
CCCXCVI.—A COOL HAND.An old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded[Pg 86] a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear," replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave me for you."
CCCXCVII.—QUID PRO QUO.A physician of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail."—"That is very likely," answered the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors never consent to,—suffering a recovery."
CCCXCVIII.—RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,—"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"—"Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' ony body?"
CCCXCIX.—AN ANECDOTE.Why merit he did not promote;
"For this good reason," answered he,
"'Cause merit ne'er promoted me."
CD.—DIDO.
Of this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the man an injury, yet he would read his tragedy to me."[Pg 87]
CDI.—EXTREME SIMPLICITY.A countryman took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was ice in it."
CDII.—NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.During a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, "Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made wretched in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll summons you, sir!"
CDIII.—AS YOU LIKE IT.An old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."
CDIV.—AN UPRIGHT MAN.Erskine was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine, in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of Bolt upright."
CDV.—THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.On one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A——, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold[Pg 88] enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you what, I won't say a word about it."
CDVI.—TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.If a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.
CDVII.—ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.(To those in want of employment.)
Is always sure to find a vacancy.
CDVIII.—A "DOUBLE TIMES."
A huge, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. "Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living in the country,—it is equal to a day's fishing."
CDIX.—PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.Dr. Parr had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well, madam, considering that I have three adversaries."
CDX.—EPIGRAM.(On the depth of Lord —— arguments.)
His argument is quite profound;
His reasoning's deep, for deuce a bit
Can anybody see the ground.
[Pg 89] CDXI.—A SEASONABLE JOKE.
Theodore Hook, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:—
I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
I advise you to give it without any flummery,
For though his name's Winter, his actions are summary.
CDXII.—EPIGRAM.
(On the immortality of ——'s speeches.)
For he that hears them—hears them to no end.
CDXIII.—A CONSIDERATE SON.
A witch, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn."
CDXIV.—DANGEROUSLY
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