Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (interesting books to read for teens txt) 📖

JOE MILLER's JESTS.

1. he Duke of A——ll, who says more good Things than any Body, being behind the Scenes the First Night of the Beggar's Opera, and meeting Cibber there, well Colley, said he, how d'you like the Beggar's Opera? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]

2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at Drury-Lane Play-House, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the Stage to say something to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having took up, making a low Bow, this is no Civil Orange, I think, said he.

3. Mr. H—rr—n, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in Ireland, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in Dublin, Monoca Gall, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have been fairly entered.

4. Joe Miller sitting one day in the Window at the Sun-Tavern in Clare-Street, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd, Buy my Soals; buy my Maids: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest Joe, What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?

5. When the Duke of Ormond was young, and came first to Court, he happen'd to stand next my Lady Dorchester, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd. What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you hear in this Place.

6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more crooked Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then Ram's Horns, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.

7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at Tunbridge, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all pass the same Way?

8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers used to club their Three-Pence a-piece, four of them, to go to Westminster, and being called by a Lawyer at Temple-Bar, who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to Westminster-Hall: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for Nine-Pence.

9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would set him up, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six Week's Time he was in the Pillory.

10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the Tilt-Yard Coffee-House, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General Deluge; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that? I have heard of all the Generals in Europe but him.

11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr. Powell, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his Box; what said another of the Buskin'd Wits, that which George Powell gave you t'other Night?

12. Gun Jones, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a Rag to his A—. You lie, Sirrah, reply'd Jones, seven Years ago I had nothing but Rags to my A—.

13. Lord R—— having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at the Gaming-Table in Dublin, some Friends condoling with him upon his ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done, for I have bit them, by G—— there is not one Pistole that don't want Six-Pence of Weight.

14. Mother Needham, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par——, and the C—n—v—c—n will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to pay ten Times the Sum.

15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a very stinking Breath, the Words are good, said she, but the Air is intolerable.

16. The late Mrs. Oldfield being asked if she thought Sir W. Y. and Mrs. H——n, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is a Wedding between them.

17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. G——ve, who is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of Mary-Bone Park, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly rude and had not one Bit of Pale about it.

18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned John Scot, asked him what difference there was between Scot and Sot: Just the Breadth of the Table, answered the other.

19. Another Poet asked Nat Lee if it was not easy to write like a Madman, as he did: No, answered Nat, but it is easy to write like a Fool as you do.

20. Colley, who, notwithstanding his Odes, has now and then said a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to see him hang'd or beggar'd very soon, by G—d, said the Laureat, if I had your Grace's Politicks and Morals you might expect both.

21. Sir Thomas More, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a Boy, who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; thou prayedst so long for a Boy, said Sir Thomas to his Wife, that at last thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives.

22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the Counsel of the Party, for a longer day to perform a Decree, said, Take St. Barnaby's Day, the longest in the Year; which happened to be the next Week.

23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the last Moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-Hill, the Heads-man demanded his upper Garment as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking off his Cap, That I think is my Upper-Garment.

24. The Great Algernoon Sidney seemed to shew as little Concern at his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my Head he may make a Whistle of my A—— if he pleases.

25. Lady C——g and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a Leather-Breeches Maker's in Piccadilly, the Sign of the Cock and Leather-Breeches, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady, and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: Only take down your Breeches and let your Cock stand.

26. When Rablais the greatest Drole in France, lay on his Death-Bed, he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was prepared for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd Rablais, I am ready for my Journey now, they have just greased my Boots.

27. Henry the IVth, of France, reading an ostentatious Inscription on the Monument of a Spanish Officer, Here lies the Body of Don, &c., &c. who never knew what Fear was. Then said the King, he never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers.

28. A certain Member of the French Academy, who was no great Friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered Furetiere, there's one already.

29. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great Room, in York-Buildings, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor Lacy. He happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen, and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered one of them to get into the Rostrum, and make a Speech, that he might observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator. Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, said the Fellow, we have been working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money, pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.

30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church, altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No,