When a Southern Woman Rambles... by L. Avery Brown (reading list .txt) 📖

Dizzy Gillespie, Ray Charles, Margaret Mitchel, Zelda Fitzgerald, Helen Keller, Harper Lee, and Jimmy Buffet (hey, you've got to give it up to the man who gave the world one of the best summertime songs ever with 'Margaritaville').

 

There's also Fannie Flagg (she made Fried Green Tomatoes more than just an interesting edible), Tennessee Williams, Admiral David Farragut, Benjamin Banneker, Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglass, Upton Sinclair, and Frank Zappa (Yeah, yeah... he was a wigged out musician... but he was also one Hell of a composer and innovator!)

 

I could go on... there are so many more amazingly smart and gifted people from the South. But, my mother taught me to never harp over things which are obvious."

 

And with that I looked at my friend and asked, "Shall I go on?"

 

After which my friend  smiled and said, “No, need. I think I’m starting to understand.”

 

So, now you know what I told my friend.  For those of you who are Southern, I hope this lifted your spirits and made you proud to be who you are. And for those of you who aren’t Southern or who might have forgotten what it really means, it’s my hope that you will sit back and examine the world you live in if only for a minute.

The Dumb-Ass Question Zone

I remember a time when was in a store and watched a young married man flounder hopelessly after he questioned the reason as to why his equally young wife needed to purchase various hair care products which to him were nothing more than redundant beauty supplies that were unnecessary and entirely too high priced. 

 

The young woman, who I learned was named Danielle, had placed a myriad of cosmetics and hair care accessories on the counter and smiled broadly as she reached into her extremely large purse to, I assume, retrieve her frequent customer discount card or perhaps her credit card while her husband stood there looking exasperated. 

 

Granted, the obvious newlywedded man tried to not look frustrated while he watched the individual prices pop up on the monitor as the attendant zapped each little barcode. Only he became more aggitated with each ‘boop’ sound that was made by the machine. Then he crossed his arms and let out a heavy sigh as he said, “Good grief, Danielle. What’s all this stuff for? Conditioner? Leave-in conditioner? Don’t those do the same thing?” 

 

Danielle turned to him and with a genuine look of shock on her face said, “No, Chris, they do not do the same thing. This...” — she picked up the bottle of rinse out hair conditioner that was about $11 and said, “is what I put on after I wash my hair so it keeps its color. And this...” – she pointed to the spray-on, leave-in conditioner that rang up as $8.99, “is what I use when I blow dry my hair so it won’t dry out.” 

 

Chris shook his head as he tried to process the information he’d been given but apparently her words became nothing more than a jumble of gobble-dee-gook to his excessively male ears because he simply could not fathom the notion that one would need two different kinds of conditioners for the same head of hair. He cocked his head to the side and said, “You need a conditioner to use on your hair when you blow dry it so you won’t blow it dry? That makes absolutely no sense, Danielle.” 

 

Whereupon Danielle rolled her eyes, sighed deeply, and turned to face the attendant who announced the total price of their purchase to be:“$57.43.”

 

When Chris heard the price for all of Danielle’s hair accessories and various other cosmetic type products, his eyes grew large as he inhaled so deeply the vacuum he created probably could have sucked in a small planet. 

 

But Danielle said nothing to him. Instead she rolled her eyes again as she started to rummage once more through her excessively large handbag for her wallet. After about 30 seconds of intense hunting she looked at the woman behind the register and smiled as she said, “Oops, I think I left my wallet in my other purse.” 

 

The employee grinned and said, “Sugar, I do that all the time.” 

 

Danielle turned to her husband and asked, “Chris, baby, can you get this?” 

 

And this was the moment when I knew Chris was very new to the whole ‘husband’ thing because he replied, “Sonuvagun, why did you change pocketbooks again? I don’t see why you keep doing that. No one needs that many pocketbooks.” Then he swiped his credit card through the machine and added, “You know, you always leave stuff out when you change purses. Maybe you oughta carry a big ol’ duffle bag so you can have them with you all the time. Then you can whip out whichever one strikes your fancy.” 

 

It did not take Chris long to realize that his smart-alecky remark was not the right thing to say to Danielle because she snatched up the bag of beauty supplies and marched herself to the automatic doors without so much as sneaking one look at him. Chris’s shoulders drooped when he figured out that he’d dared to question that which makes a woman feel ‘womanly’ and thus had gone where no man should ever go... 

 

~The Dumb-Ass Question Zone~

 

I had to turn to around to keep from laughing at what had unfolded before me. But the elderly couple behind me thought it was a hoot to see the whole thing take place and laughed out loud. I can only imagine it’s because it reminded them of a moment taken from their lives long ago. 

 

Driving back to my house, I found myself giggling at the memory of that look on Chris’s face because it was one I’d seen my own husband wear many times after we’d first gotten married. And as I made my way down the long winding road to my humble abode, I took a sip from the bottled water I’d purchased and thought of all the little things that men find themselves pondering when it comes to their wives, girlfriends, sisters and mothers. And I realized there are so many things in the Dumb-Ass Question Zone, that if I was to try and mention them all I’d never finish! 

 

So, I narrowed it down to 9 truths about women that men typically do not know until they are well beyond the age when knowing would be to their advantage. And they are... 

 

9. A pocketbook, handbag, or purse (choose your favorite descriptive name) is an extension of a woman’s personality. Some days she might choose a sleek, smart looking little purse while other days she may opt for an oversized catch all. And a man must not try to consider why a woman suddenly feels the need to switch out this purse for that one or to purchase a new one altogether... to do so could very well cause his head to explode;

 

8. Shoes need not be functional or practical and as far as a limit on the amount of shoes a woman may have... the sky is the limit. No, there is no real need for stilettos just as there is no need for a woman to have 4 pair of the same shoes in different colors other than the fact that women, like men, are often required to wear certain kinds of footwear for their jobs and having the ability to literally step out of those shoes and into something totally different can be emotionally uplifting for a woman;

 

7. One more shoe tidbit... a woman can purchase a pair of shoes regardless of whether or not she has something with which the shoes can be paired. This particular statement points out one of the inherent differences between the psyche of men and women. Men purchase shoes as well as most other items in response to an immediate need whereas women will purchase those same items at any given time because they do so with an eye for the future. So good gentlemen, never question a woman's shoes;

 

6. As a woman prepares for a night out on the town it is perfectly fine for her to say, “Excuse me, I need to go put on my face” before stepping out. But for a man to ask, “Do you need to put on your face?” is totally unacceptable. This implies that the woman needs to do something to make herself look better as if she looks horrid without cosmetic assistance whereas when a woman says it she is implying, ‘I care enough about us that I want everyone to see what a handsome couple we are.’;

 

5. The question ‘does this make me look fat?’ or any derivation thereof is not a trick question because there is only one answer. You see, if a woman is asking - it means she either already thinks it isn't a good look or she thinks it looks hotter than Hell. And either way the only response should be, 'Honey, you look beautiful.' Of course, if woman was to ask that same question to one of her besties, her friend would not hesitate to tell her if something was flattering or not. Granted there are many women who need to learn the art of tact when they share this information but in the long run we are so appreciative to know that we did not step out in public wearing something which makes us like a pillow cinched in the middle with a skinny belt that we are usually willing to overlook the sandpaper way in which we’ve been told;

 

4. If a woman asks, ‘How does it taste?’ after slaving away preparing a new dish it would behoove a man to answer honestly. Otherwise he may end up eating that same dish again and again which can only lead to a future of disharmonious dinnertimes and a genuine fear of any new food items that might make their way out of the kitchen and onto his plate. But again, the need for tact when responding to this question is a must;

 

3. And now a note for men about women's hair. It is essential that men are always on the lookout for any subtle changes in a woman’s tresses and that they remark positively about those changes no matter what even if there has been no ‘change’ at all because asking ‘Honey, did you do something to your hair? It looks nice.’ with a smile on one’s face is like giving woman an unexpected happygram. (Just be careful not to overdo it);

 

2. Another note about hair. When it is crystal clear that a woman has had something done to her hair and she wants to know how it looks... she is either very pleased with her new coif and simply wants to hear how great she looks OR she hates it. Now a man must be very careful when walking this particular tightrope. Because if he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s just had her hair colored, cut, permed or highlighted and it is evident that the effect isn’t quite what she or anyone else expected, he should... without a doubt... lie. 

 

Lie his ass off!

 

Because for a woman, dealing with a botched hairdo is not as simple as putting on a jacket to help slim a wide waist or tossing in a bit of pepper to jazz up a not so tasty pot of stew. So --- lie, lie, lie, lie, lie; and,

 

1. Gentlemen, what all this