When a Southern Woman Rambles... by L. Avery Brown (reading list .txt) đ
- Author: L. Avery Brown
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It was a sunny Sunday morning back in the summer of â78 and my family and I were all dressed in our summery Sunday finest and had piled into our giant green Ford land yacht that I like to refer to fondly as the USS Williams all so we could make the five mile trip to our church. I remember I had on my sandals and a pretty little sundress with polka dots on it. My brother and sister climbed into the backseat and I went to sit in my spot in the front only there was a pile of papers and stapler where I usually sat.
***
But waitâŠbefore I go any fartherâŠlet me bend your ear and tell you about how a typical trip to church went for the Williams clan. Now this was long before the notion of using seatbelts was popular. Cars did have them, only back then they werenât much more than a lap belt that looked an awful lot like a modern day airplane seatbelt. Our âsafetyâ lap belts usually wound up getting squished down between the cushions to keep them out of the way. Needless to say, I didnât wear a seatbelt as a kid.
Likewise, it was also a couple of decades before any sort of laws requiring children under 60 pounds to be secured in a car or booster seat in the backseat of a vehicle for their safety. So guess where I sat the vast majority of the time? Thatâs rightâŠmy spot was in the front seat between my mama and daddy. (You know, itâs amazing as many people from the years before all those nifty safety gadgets and laws survived to adulthood)
As I said, my spot was in the front seatâŠunless my parents grew tired of listening to my siblings bickering from the backseat. When that happened my parents would make me sit between them. I think they thought I would somehow be able to stop their teenage tendency to poke one another in the leg or the arm like it was an Olympic sport and I was the referee.
Only I was very tiny at 8âŠIâm talking I was really teeny tiny so putting me in the backseat never really worked out too well because my brother and sister would just start smacking each other on the shoulder or the back of the head. And then my parents would get mad because somehow it always wound up that I would eventually be on the receiving end of a poke/slap that didnât meet its intended mark. Then Iâd start crying and my mother, who could whip her head around at like a whirlwind, would âassume the angry mother lookâ while my father simultaneously grabbed the rearview mirror and did his famous big-eyed âI am watching youâ stare.
Typically âthe double parental stare downâ worked to get my siblings cease and desist their behaviorâŠat least for a couple of minutes. But then one of them would say something stupid like, âI didnât start it.â To wit my mother would reply, âI donât care who started it but I promise you I will go back that and finish it so you two had best keep your mouths shut and your hands to yourself.â Lucky for them my mama never had to âfinish itâ because it was usually around that time when weâd pull into the church parking lot.
*I know I said this was a tale of stapled thumbs and it is, I promise. But first, let me describe a typical Sunday at our church.*
Once we arrived and parked beneath one of the giant oak trees, weâd make our way out of our land yacht and proceed into the church so we could be filled with the Holy Spirit. Although when youâre 8 years old, itâs pretty hard to be motivated by anything that requires a lengthy amount of time wherein one has to not only remain seated but also must be quiet, too. Yes, that is quite difficult indeed. For me, it was gadzoodles harder than it was for most kids because I was a talkerâŠalways have beenâŠalways will be (as Iâm sure you can probably tell). And considering I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD it puts my fidgetiness in a whole new light.
Now just as there was a seating arrangement in our car, the Williams family also had a particular way we sat in our pews. We always tried to sit in the same set of pews. They were right in the middle where these long support columns came down and divided the pew in half.
That way my Mama could sit on the end of the pew closest to the aisle. My sister sat beside her. My Daddy sat beside her. I sat beside my Daddy. And my brother, well he got to sit next to the column. That way there was a good buffer zone between my brother and sister (Daddy and myself) and if anyone wanted to get up during the service he or she had better have had a handwritten note from Jesus himself because there was no way my Mama was about to let either one of my two siblings go wandering around the church unattended.
I must say I loved sitting beside my father. Whenever weâd open up our Bibles to read the congregational selection, heâd whisper what the passage was about to me in terms I could understand because I never quite understood the way our minister would try to explain it. Then weâd sing some hymns.
To me, singing hymns was the best part of our services because my Daddy would let me stand on the pew and share his hymnal with him. The funny thing is, I donât think my father ever actually looked at the words to any of the hundreds of songs in that bookâŠand yet, he seemed to know the tune and words (all the words to every verse) like heâd written them himself. He had a smooth baritone voice and sometimes, when I was tired, heâd hold me instead of the hymnal and Iâd lay my head on his chest and listen to the way his voice resonated in my ears.
The one song my father could never sing at churchâŠnot because he didnât know itâŠhe didâŠwas âAmazing Graceâ. It always got him choked up. I didnât understand why at the time but later, when I was old enough to put things together, it dawned on me that when I was 8 years old, my father was going through cancer treatment and I think the words moved him in a way a child simply could not understand.
Once weâd sung a few hymns, our pastor would start in on one of his âreach deep into your soul and shake some sense into yaâ sort of sermons he liked to use at least once a month and that was when my Daddy and I would play games like tic-tac-toe, dots, and hangman on our church bulletins or on the offering envelopes that were in the little holders on the backs of the pews with the always freshly sharpened pencils that reminded me of when weâd go play putt-putt at the beach.
But one can only play so many rounds of tic-tac-toe before it gets a bit boring and drawing out all the little dots just to play the game took a good deal of time. Likewise, one can only come up with so many simple phrases for hangman before the church bulletin wound up looking like scratching post for wayward pencils.
*If youâve made it this far in the story, Iâm sure youâre starting to get antsy wondering when the stapled thumbs are going to be mentioned. And itâs comingâŠI swear.*
But first let me say that there were lots of times when my father and I would also play âthumb warâ. (See, there are the thumbs! And soon all will be revealed.) Surely youâve played the game before. You clasp your hands like youâre going to shake and then you say âOne, two, three, fourâŠI declare thumb warâ after which you hold up your thumbs and try to catch and hold down your opponentâs thumb for 5 seconds.
Only since we were in church we had to play it very quietly and I couldnât stand up or get too wiggly. Thatâs what made it so much fun for me because it was such a challenge. Oddly enough, my Daddy had these long thumbs but it seemed like I won just enough times to not get frustrated that I wasnât winning all the time. Smart man, that Daddy of mine.
***
FinallyâŠthe heart of this little yarn
Now on this particular Sunday back in â78 as I mentioned at the beginning of the story, I climbed into the car and found some papers and a stapler where I had to sit. I put the papers on my dotted sundress covered lap and placed the stapler on top of the papers. So farâŠso good. But then, about half way into our usual Sunday trip to church as my mother was telling my brother and sister to âknock it offâ and my father tuned the radio knob to a local station that played old time gospel music on Sunday from 6AM to 3PM, I picked up the stapler and stared at it.
Then I squished it together a couple of times and watched as the bent staples came flying out of the mouth of the device. But then, for some reason, they stopped coming out and I wondered why. (Maybe it was empty. I opened up the top and saw there were plenty of staples inside the thing. Nope not empty!) I closed it back again and tried squishing the stapler together once more to see if that would release the jam. It didnât.
I was not about to be bested by a silly stapler after all, I was 8 years old. So I looked really closely at the mouth of the device and saw that the staples had gotten jammed up inside of the thing. Then I proceeded to tug out about 7 squished staples that gotten stuck. (Hey, I was in the Gifted and Talented program) Once it was cleared, I squeezed the thing together again and it was working again. Victory!
But then Iâm not sure what motivated me to do the next thing because as soon as I did it, I instantly realized that perhaps it was not one of my wiser 8 year old decisions. You see, for some reason, Iâd stuck both my thumbs beneath the stapler head and started playing with it as if it had âeatenâ my thumbs. I remember having a Wonder Woman moment and imagining that the stapler was some sort of dastardly trap I had to work my way out of or else the world was going to explode or something equally horrible. So then I started to fight with the stapler using my Wonder Woman powers. I held it in my hands with my thumbs stuck beneath the âmouthâ as I fought it and thenâŠfor some really stupid reasonâŠI squeezed the stapler---HARD. (Needless to say, it was not one of my more âGifted OR Talentedâ moments)
If I think about it, I can still feel the blast of pain as it shot through my thumbs and made its way from my thumbs to my hands then to my mouth because in an instant I let out a blood curdling scream. My father slammed on the brakesâŠwhich wasnât a good thing for me. Why?
Because I inadvertently squeezed the stapler back down on my thumbs as my mother did that thing with her arm where she whips it out at lightning speed and threw me back against the seat to keep from going forward into
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