Jokes To Jumpstart Your Day by Paul Roberts (e book reader pdf TXT) 📖
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surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips Rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery For sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
-----
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass on, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
-----
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."
He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
-----
The Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?
-----
Get Out Of The Car
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
-----
He's so tight-fisted he's got varicose veins in his knuckles.
-----
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
-----
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
-----
She's always smiling. She's the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
-----
Word for the day
Ineptocracy (in-ept-oc-ra-cy).....
A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.
-----
Marriage and Men
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
and lastly............
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married
-----
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
-----
Here's a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow.
Walk into an antiques shop and shout: "What's new?"
-----
If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.
-----
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly
discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
-----
The Professor's Wife
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up!
-----
"Seniors at Poker"
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery For sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
-----
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass on, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
-----
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."
He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
-----
The Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?
-----
Get Out Of The Car
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
-----
He's so tight-fisted he's got varicose veins in his knuckles.
-----
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
-----
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
-----
She's always smiling. She's the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
-----
Word for the day
Ineptocracy (in-ept-oc-ra-cy).....
A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.
-----
Marriage and Men
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
and lastly............
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married
-----
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
-----
Here's a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow.
Walk into an antiques shop and shout: "What's new?"
-----
If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.
-----
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly
discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
-----
The Professor's Wife
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up!
-----
"Seniors at Poker"
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.
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