Jokes To Jumpstart Your Day by Paul Roberts (e book reader pdf TXT) 📖
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- Author: Paul Roberts
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/> "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
Goldberg turns around and start walking away.
"Where are you going?" asks the wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
-----
"I painted my wife in oils. She looks like a sardine"
-----
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: "Every time I look at my wife I see spots before my eyes" The psychiatrist said: "That's only natural". The leopard said: "But, doctor, she's a zebra"
-----
Last Meal
Three prisoners are captured in the war. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The first asks for and receives Pepperoni Pizza.
The second requests and receives a Filet Mignon.
The third requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply, “strawberries?”
“Yes, Strawberries.”
“But, they are out of season!”
“That’s OK. I’ll wait….”
-----
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
-----
This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other.
The barman said, " What'll you have?" He said: "A whiskey and soda". Then the crocodile spoke up and said : I'll have a gin and tonic" The barman said: "That's amazing: Ive never seen a crocodile that can talk before" He said: "He can't. The chicken's a ventriloquist."
-----
Two Old Friends...
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much
about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do that, when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.
-----
You're Too Late
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready?"
-----
After getting divorced I tried online dating... Loads of emails, but after a while, I got to like this lady so we arranged to meet.
I asked her would she like a glass of wine... "No thanks, I tried it once and didn't like it."
I said "Maybe a beer?" "No thanks, I tried it once and didn't like it."
"Would you like a cigarette?"... "No thanks, I tried it once and didn't like it."
So I said: "Don't tell me!!!... Let me guess!... You have one child!"
-----
In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drugs store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: “I’ll toss you, double or nothing”. I lost. I came out with two headaches.
-----
When I was a security guard a few of us would prank each other. The building I started off at had two buildings together which we had 3 guards and we switched every hr between potroling the two buildings and sitting at the desk. one night i had to be at another area. I had my bf on one cell speaker and the other i called the building with three guards. I spoke to them like i speak another language telling them I needed door open on 12th floor. every hr i called asking where are you? I need door open. I tell their supervisor their no good. Not once did they ask for my name or door number. which if they did they could get my door number from my name if they put it in the phone. lol no one knew it was me. they all walked up to the 12th floor for nothing...lol
-----
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
-----
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: Did you put anything on it? I said: No, he liked it as it was.
-----
Thanks. And I hope it brightened your day.
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
Goldberg turns around and start walking away.
"Where are you going?" asks the wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
-----
"I painted my wife in oils. She looks like a sardine"
-----
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: "Every time I look at my wife I see spots before my eyes" The psychiatrist said: "That's only natural". The leopard said: "But, doctor, she's a zebra"
-----
Last Meal
Three prisoners are captured in the war. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The first asks for and receives Pepperoni Pizza.
The second requests and receives a Filet Mignon.
The third requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply, “strawberries?”
“Yes, Strawberries.”
“But, they are out of season!”
“That’s OK. I’ll wait….”
-----
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
-----
This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other.
The barman said, " What'll you have?" He said: "A whiskey and soda". Then the crocodile spoke up and said : I'll have a gin and tonic" The barman said: "That's amazing: Ive never seen a crocodile that can talk before" He said: "He can't. The chicken's a ventriloquist."
-----
Two Old Friends...
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much
about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do that, when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.
-----
You're Too Late
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready?"
-----
After getting divorced I tried online dating... Loads of emails, but after a while, I got to like this lady so we arranged to meet.
I asked her would she like a glass of wine... "No thanks, I tried it once and didn't like it."
I said "Maybe a beer?" "No thanks, I tried it once and didn't like it."
"Would you like a cigarette?"... "No thanks, I tried it once and didn't like it."
So I said: "Don't tell me!!!... Let me guess!... You have one child!"
-----
In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drugs store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: “I’ll toss you, double or nothing”. I lost. I came out with two headaches.
-----
When I was a security guard a few of us would prank each other. The building I started off at had two buildings together which we had 3 guards and we switched every hr between potroling the two buildings and sitting at the desk. one night i had to be at another area. I had my bf on one cell speaker and the other i called the building with three guards. I spoke to them like i speak another language telling them I needed door open on 12th floor. every hr i called asking where are you? I need door open. I tell their supervisor their no good. Not once did they ask for my name or door number. which if they did they could get my door number from my name if they put it in the phone. lol no one knew it was me. they all walked up to the 12th floor for nothing...lol
-----
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
-----
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: Did you put anything on it? I said: No, he liked it as it was.
-----
Thanks. And I hope it brightened your day.
Publication Date: 10-26-2011
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