A Humorous History of England by Charles Harrison (best ereader for pdf TXT) 📖
- Author: Charles Harrison
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In fact this monarch with his frills
Was snowed up to the neck with bills.
He was courtly, graceful, distingu�,
And when the scaffold came his way
‘He nothing common did or mean
Upon that memorable scene.’
He had a very taking way
And made his taxed up subjects pay;
And over taxing it is said
This Monarch fairly lost his head.
Petition of Right—1628
The ‘Petition of Right’ a famous Act,
The Commons from the King exact;
Giving the subject on his own
A remedy against the throne.
First Newspaper 1621
In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one
Our first news-sheet began its run;
For twenty years ’twas going strong
Then the first Censor came along.
This journal cribbing from the Dutch
Lacked the smart journalistic touch;
And also photographic views,
‘Sporting pars’ and ‘Stop-press News.’
THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN.
Cotton 1630
COTTON first came from India’s shore
In sixteen-thirty, less or more;
Where for three thousand years it grew,
Also in Egypt and Peru.
Grim reading is the note confessing
Gangs went out for Navy pressing,
Forcing many a timid knave
To spend his life on ocean wave.
Ship Money 1636
Charles raises the ship money tax;
He thought he only had to ‘ax’;
When Hampden strenuously objected,
The King was very much affected.
Strafford 1641
Earl Strafford (‘Thorough’) in his pride
‘The King shall rule the Commons’ cried;
The Commons would not brook such stuff
And cut his head off. ‘Quantum Suff.’
The ‘Grand Remonstrance’ is put forth
By the Commons who are wrath
With the King’s despotic ways
Quite unsuited to these days.
The King tries hard to put in jail
Five Members but without avail;
Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym
And Hampden (we must mention him);
They’re guarded from the Royal hands
By Watermen and City Bands.
The ‘die is cast’ and Civil War
For seven long years the Nation tore.
Civil Wars 1642–1648
CROMWELL greatest of the foemen
With his faithful English Yeomen;
These ‘Roundheads’ sober, grim, religious
To ‘Cavaliers’ gave blows prodigious.
Their character’s seen in the cry
‘Trust God and keep your powder dry.’
Naseby 1645
The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought
In many a field, ’till Naseby brought
To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax
A crowning victory, though not ‘pax.’
The King’s beheaded, but the State
Experiences no headless fate;
A commonwealth’s forthwith proclaimed
And Cromwell’s soon Protector named.
Dunbar 1650
In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees
The Royal Scots brought to their knees;
And in the second Worcester fight
Cromwell for good asserts his might.
Worcester 1651
And there are those who love to tell
About that day at Boscobel
When Charles the Second’s Majestye
Found itself doubly ‘up a tree.’
And now we meet that quiet man
Known as the early Puritan;
Mild and placid in his talk,
Calm and measured in his walk.
Commonwealth 1649–1660
Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold,
Was cast in Nature’s sternest mould,
Lacking maybe the courtly grace
And proud of warts upon his face.
He fought the Irish and the Scotch
And with his navy beat the Dutch
Let all his faults condon�d be,
He kept us up on land and sea.
Commonwealth (continued)
HE seemed to like bold argument
And wordy wars with Parliament;
He made things lively we infer
Frequently at Westminster.
With M.P.s he had many a bout
And one day cleared the whole lot out;
Locked the door and took the key;
Those not the days of ‘Wait and See.’
Charles II. 1660–1685
CROMWELL’S death brings Restoration
And Charles Two lands ’mid acclamation.
After his leaps from twig to twig
He now has ‘Otium cum Dig.’
In merry Charles the Second’s age
Woman first acted on the stage;
The King encouraged much this vogue
He was a pleasure seeking rogue.
‘He never said a foolish thing,
Nor did a wise one’; this the King
Countered with ‘My words my own
My acts my ministers’ alone’;
1662
In sixteen-six-two year of grace,
Charles taxed every fire-place;
And citizens who couldn’t pay
Shivered and grumbled as to-day.
These were the times of Musketeers
And proud and dashing Cavaliers;
When words were few and tempers hot
And duels fought out on the spot.
John Bunyan
THE tinker preacher Bunyan wrote
The ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ we still quote,
The prison bars no barrier wrought
To lowly Bunyan’s lofty thought.
Milton 1678
In stately language Milton’s muse
The Bible story doth diffuse;
From ‘Paradise Lost’ we get our view
Of Adam and Eve and Satan too.
The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp,
Egregious Popish plots did vamp,
Lied roundly for dishonest gains,
Got Cat-o’-nine-tails for his pains.
Habeas Corpus 1679
The ‘Habeas Corpus’ best of laws
Shields us from prison without cause;
’Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine,
And means ‘Produce him here,’ in fine.
Van Tromp
Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold,
With broom at masthead, so ’tis told,
The Channel sailed, suggesting he’s
Swept all the English from the seas.
Blake
But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails
Nought the Dutchman now avails;
For he got an awful shocker
Right to Davy Jones’ locker.
But though the Dutch failed to invade,
They were not disinclined to trade;
So we get ‘Hollands,’ cheese and hams
Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.
Peace of Breda 1667
For fifteen years these Navies fought,
’Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;
The Peace of Breda then succeeded;
New York to England was conceded.
Plague
In sixty-five the Plague appears
And then the Fire; two awful years
Fire of London 1665–1666
For London—And if more you’d know
Consult the Pages of Defoe.
QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.
James II. 1685–1688
WHEN Charles Two died his brother James
Soon put the country into flames;
Papistry he would advance,
And for that purpose leagued with France.
In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal
Religious Test Act would repeal;
Seven bold Bishops who defied
To the Tower were sent and tried.
The country raised a hue and cry
So off to France the King doth fly.
William III. 1689–1702
HIS place is filled by William Three
His son-in-law from Dutch countree.
This Orange sprig most brave of men
With Mary reigns and all things then
Went well with us. Macaulay’s page
Hails him as Hero of the age.
In this reign of William Three,
Laws were harsh ’gainst burglary;
For they’d a very drastic way
And hanged the ‘Bill Sykes’ of that day.
National Debt 1694
In sixteen-nine-four we have heard
The National Debt was first incurred;
To careful folk who would invest
’Twas not devoid of interest.
Another National Debt we owe
To Iron Jelloids which the foe
Depression’s worries keep at bay
And drive our nervous fears away.
Bill of Rights 1689
The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand,
In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land
From all encroachments of the Crown
Hoi Polloi are no longer down.
Queen Anne 1702–1714
GOOD Queen Anne we know is dead;
She reigned twelve years but it is said
‘Mrs. Morley,’ Marlborough’s wife
Ruled her more than half her life.
Marlborough
This was the Duke of Marlborough’s day,
Who beat the French in every fray;
Known for his famous victories
At Blenheim and at Ramillies.
In seventeen-seven by statute passed
English and Scotch unite at last;
‘One coinage and one Parliament’
Both Nations ever since content.
About this time, so runs the story,
Much is heard of ‘Whig and Tory’;
And shortly after there was rife
Many a sign of party strife.
Dr. Watts 1674–1748
Good Dr. Watts’ moral lays
Were much reputed in these days;
And still we lisp at Mother’s knee
‘How doth the little Busy Bee.’
Pope 1688–1744
Pope, letter-writer and great poet,
Most quotable of all (ye know it),
At Twickenham penned his caustic verse
Epigrammatic, smooth and terse.
George I. 1714–1727
THE House of Stuart being ended,
George of Hanover (descended
From daughter of King Jamie One)
Comes over to ascend our throne.
Of English George knew not a word,
Most awkward, not to say absurd,
At Cabinet Councils to preside;
So from this time the practice died.
George II. 1727–1760
HIS son George Two succeeding then
In person fought at Dettingen.
Both these Kings had various fights
In Scotland with the Jacobites.
William Tull brings in Post Chaises;
Now the people ride like ‘blazes.’;
Many can’t for they’re in trouble,
Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.
Wesleys 1703–1791
John and Charles Wesley, men of mind,
Revive Religion in Mankind.
Founding a Church both broad and low,
One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.
Clive 1746
Beginning as an office clerk
As soldier Clive soon made his mark,
And conquered India for this Nation;
Self ’stounded at his moderation.
Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three
Great Engineers this Centurie,
Canals
Useful canals in England made,
The flowing arteries of trade.
Quebec 1759
General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine
Captures Quebec—a victory fine,
And Canada’s the splendid prize
For old ‘John Bull’ to colonise.
George III. 1760–1820
AND now of Georgey number Three:
Ut mulus obstinatus he
Had full sixty years of reign
And a big family to train.
GEORGIAN TIMES.
Georgian Times
WE will but very lightly scan
The customs known as ‘Georgian’;
The times of powdered Belles and Beaux;
Patches, paint and furbelows;
Of beauteous maids and gallants gay
And merry routs at Ranelagh;
Gaming parties, cards or pool
And ‘Fops’ of the Beau Brummel School.
When rank and fashion History tells
All took their cures among the Wells;
And sipped in manner hesitating
Daily doses nauseating.
But we know better how to act
Our cures we purchase more compact
For in the Chemists’ you can see
‘Iron Jelloids’ priced at ‘One and Three.’
Lord ‘Periwig’ and gay ‘Fallal’
In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.
‘Taxis’ and ‘Tubes’
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