A Humorous History of England by Charles Harrison (best ereader for pdf TXT) 📖
- Author: Charles Harrison
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Came in at a much later date.
When Brummel, the historic Beau,
Made laws for dress and outward show;
Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams
Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems;
Who figured in the public gaze
A ‘Star turn’ with his courtly ways;
Who fixed the style of a cravat,
Lord of Appeal anent a hat.
And My Lord Chesterfield was quite
The model of the most polite
Wrote famous letters. It’s a shame,
A settee has usurped his name.
Dr. Johnson 1709–1784
And Dr. Johnson at his ease
Sipped his tea at the ‘Cheshire Cheese,’
Or at the ‘Mitre’ of renown,
Spreading his wit throughout the Town.
Garrick
When Garrick as the ‘Moody Dane’
Drew the Town to Drury Lane,
Mrs. Siddons
Sarah Siddons was all the rage
Tragedy Queen of every age.
Highwaymen arm�d to the teeth
Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath;
Per contra the Highwayman’s pate
Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.
Capt. Cook 1728–1779
It’s only right a History book
Should mark the feats of Captain Cook;
So jot it down in these our Rhymes
That round the World he sailed three times.
Inventions 1767
These are the days of much invention
The ‘Spinning Jenny’ we will mention;
The ‘Cotton Mule’ and ‘Power Loom’;
For Authors’ names there’s lack of room.
Adam Smith 1766
In his book ‘The Wealth of Nations’
Adam Smith shows the relations
Governing the Art of Trading;
With influences far pervading.
‘Man buys as cheaply as he can
And sells as dearly, that’s his plan.’
‘Supply Demand each other feed
Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.’
Jenner 1796
Jenner brings in vaccination,
Boon to every generation;
By similar methods now devised
Many an ill is exorcised.
NELSON AND WELLINGTON.
American War 1775
IN seventeen-sixty and fifteen
Our Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.
‘Unrepresented, you’ve no right
To tax us, therefore we will fight.’
Washington, Franklin and the rest
Formed a Republic quite the best;
We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice;
But at the time we had no choice.
French Revolution
IN France in times of Louis Seize (says)
Oppression dire through countless days
Roused Revolution with its tears
Mainly through books with wrong ideas.
Napoleon I. 1793–1815
From Revolution’s putrid mess
A Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,
Millions of men and women died
Victims to Napoleon’s pride.
He plunged all Europe into Wars
His own ambition the sole cause.
England as usual did her ‘bit’
And ‘Boney’ Europe had to quit.
During these years of storm and stress
Two noble pilots we possess
‘Chatham and Son’ (Pitt is their name),
Illustrious on the scroll of fame.
Nelson 1805
Here we must our homage pay
To Nelson of Trafalgar Day;
Wellington
To Wellington the same is due,
Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.
AND ‘Shiver my timbers,’ ‘Heave ahoy,’
The Tar, those times a breezy boy
With shiny hat and pigtail long
And love for lass and glass and song.
Discovery of Electric Force
About this date Electric Force
Dawns on mankind. Before, of course,
In Lightning it was all about,
With noise enough to be found out.
Coelo eripuit fulmen,
’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.
Philosopher of bygone age
Accept our homage on this page.
But who’d have thought it that Galvani
When making soup, (this is no blarney)
By his power of observation
On a frog’s legs’ oscillation
Should find how by chemic ways
Electric currents we can raise?
To call him ‘great’ is no flattery;
He set us on the wondrous battery.
This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!
The frog who would a-wooing go;
Thy part in electricity
Is unmatched eccentricity.
This new discovered fact, of course,
Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,
The Motor and Electric Light
The Telephone and more in sight.
IN QUEEN VICTORIA’S PALMY DAYS.
Ireland
OF Ireland but a word or two.
Celts were her people and they knew
Not benefit of Roman Ruling;
Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.
In century five St. Patrick great
Converts them to the Christian state;
And from this Western Isle afar,
English and Scotch converted are.
Danes and Ireland
Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought
Danes raiding Erin trouble brought;
And left them in chaotic state
No longer masters of their fate.
In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’
Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,
Then came the Normans in great force
And civilised us in due course.
They tried the same with Ireland green;
But only sowed a feud between
The land they’d conquered and Erin,
Leading to endless quarrelling.
Cromwell
England accepts the Reformation,
Catholic still the Irish nation
Boyne
Sees Cromwell with them battle join
And William beat them at the Boyne.
William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought
Ireland and England’s welfare sought
Act of Union 1800
By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed;
But still the wretched squabbles last.
George IV.
NOW come George Four and Will his brother;
With these two kings we need not bother;
William IV.
The first a gourmand, bon viveur,
The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.
Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt
Are names will never be forgot;
For their crude engines were the source
Of man’s control of Steam’s wild force.
Steam 1830
By eighteen-thirty man has tamed
Steam to his use; and widely famed
Was puffing ‘Rocket’ with the power
Of doing thirty miles an hour.
Steam prompts man to make machines
And Factories rise with all that means;
Divided more and more is labour
Each man leans more on his neighbour.
For twenty million pounds the nation
Buys our slaves’ emancipation.
Reform Act
In eighteen-three-two, happy year,
The great Reform Act doth appear.
Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.
The penny post comes into force.
And double knocks bring joys and thrills
Sometimes cheques, more often bills.
Corn Law Repeal 1846
The Corn Law duty’s brushed away,
Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.
WE fain would linger, but alas,
These are the periods we must pass.
So gentle reader do not grin
At sight of cumbrous crinoline.
Victoria 1837–1901
Since Queen Victoria’s palmy days
Woman has altered all her ways.
In those days she was meek and mild
And treated almost like a child;
Woman’s Status
Was brought up in a narrow zone;
And couldn’t call her soul her own.
She vegetated, ’tis well known
Under the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.
But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains,
And her own property retains.
What a difference from then,
She ‘carries on’ just like the men.
And now at Westminster we see
A lady sitting as M.P.
Darwin 1809–1882
CHARLES Darwin offers us a Key
To help unlock the mystery
Of Evolution’s wondrous span
From Protoplasm up to Man.
Livingstone 1813–1873
The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,
Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;
Where no white man had ever trod
Teaching the blacks the Word of God.
Crimean War
English, French and Turks unite
’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.
Indian Mutiny
The Indian Mutiny now arose,
‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.
Atlantic Cable
With efforts many men most able
Lay the great Atlantic Cable.
Suez Canal
Lesseps unites for you and me
The Medit’ranean and Red Sea.
Education Act
The Education Act proposes
To make us all as wise as Moses;
In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,
But each is learning to the last.
Ballot Act 1872
A couple of years from this we note
The Ballot Act gives secret vote;
Before this Act, e’en since we fear,
Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.
WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE.
Edward VII. 1901–1910
EDWARD Seven, ‘Peacemaker’ named,
His efforts to this end far famed.
We know it was no idle chance
His ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.
True friendship and the peace we want
The outcome of this grand Entente.
Though not accented in our rhyme
We’ve been fighting all the time;
And it’s a fact which must be stated
Our chief opponent (so ’twas fated)
Wars with France
Our nearest neighbour o’er the Sea
Whose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;
Like two schoolboys always sparring
Eight hundred years together warring;
From Hastings unto Waterloo
We’d battles with the brave ‘Mossoo.’
Now Honi soit qui still y pense;
Hurrah for England! Vive la France!
AND here we come to end our rhymes
We’ve reached the present stirring times,
When one and all lent helping hand
To keep secure the Motherland.
When men went forth to fight the foe
And women took to spade and hoe,
And donning smocks of nattiest styles,
Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.
Now three cheers for the dainty maids,
Government clerks of different grades;
Nor are we likely to forget
Our debt to the Munitionette.
The Present Time
We seem to have subdued the Hun
And so farewell (our task is done)
To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks—
Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.
Concerning
MEN and TONICS
BY THE LATE
DR. ANDREW WILSON.
“Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that he just needs a tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work, worry, or late hours.
“It is this ‘run-down-ness,’ ‘out-of-sorts-ness,’ ‘below-par-ness,’ which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least.
“Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight’s Treatment of Iron Jelloids No. 2A, as a suitable and effective remedy.
For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A.
For AN�MIA in Men and Women (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors have for many years prescribed the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.—there is nothing better.
A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you.
Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, writes:—“I always handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are invariably satisfied with them.”
(Pronounced Jell-Lloyds.)
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