Mr. Punch at the Play: Humours of Music and the Drama by Hammerton and Keene (most popular novels of all time txt) 📖
- Author: Hammerton and Keene
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[Pg 80]
SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME.Scene I.—The Tragic Mews
[Pg 81]
SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME.Scene II.—The Comic Mews
[Pg 82]
Ambiguous.
First Actress. "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to say I can't act." Second Ditto. "Surely a certificate isn't necessary, dear?"
[Pg 83]
Tenor (at amateur concert). "It's my turn next, and I'm so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me, Miss Brown?"
[Pg 84]
Mrs. Smith. "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of elevating the stage." Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse of the stage all the afternoon). "Well—er—it would come to much the same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"
[Pg 85]
Our Theatricals.
The Countess. "Will this cruel war never end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return. But, hark! what is that I hear?"
[Stage direction.—"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the local cornet-player who helped us on the night.
[Pg 86]
Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has a private performance of his own in the nursery.
[Pg 87]
Mazeppa. "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"
[Pg 88]
Distinguished Amateurs. The Actor.
Billy Wapshot. "I say, look here, you know! They've cast me for the part of Sir Guy Earliswoodde, an awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the dickens am I to act such a beastly part as that?—and how am I to dress for it, I should like to know?" Brown (stage manager). "My dear fellow, dress just as you are!—and as for acting, be as natural as you possibly can! It will be an immense success!"
[Pg 89]
Distinguished Amateurs. The Jeune Premier.
"What, Eleanor? You know Sir Lionel Wildrake, the handsomest, wittiest, most dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But hush! He comes——"
[Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake.[Pg 90]
There is a blessing on peacemakers—is there one on playwrights?
The Home of the British Drama.—A French crib.
A Court Theatre Ticket.—The order of the garter available only at Windsor as an order for the stalls.
New Name for a Theatre where the Actors are more or less Unintelligible.—"The Mumbles."
Music by handle.
[Pg 91]
THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM
"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I—a—think I may flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"
"I admit that to be the case just at present—but the social position of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day may come when even the leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a Bishop, let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of the—a—House of Beaumanoir!"
[Pg 92]
Turning a Phrase.
Dramatic Author. "What the deuce do you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's shameful!" Dramatic Critic. "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old man—you'll see how pleased I was, if you'll only read between the lines!"
[Pg 93]
Scene— A Booth in the Wild West
The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the Pacific."
Author. "What is the audience shouting for?"
Manager. "They're calling for the author."
Author. "Then hadn't I better appear?"
Manager. "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"
[Pg 94]
"Men Were Deceivers Ever"
First Counter Tenor. "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at our entrance."
Second Counter Tenor. "Oh, then, let's go out at the bass door!"
[Pg 95]
The Commentators.
First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy). "I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've made a discovery—that Horatio was Hamlet's father!" Second Quidnunc (enchanted). "You don't say so!" First Quidnunc. "My dear sir, doesn't Hamlet, when he handles Yorick's skull, address Horatio, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"
[Pg 96]
A Disenchantment
Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country). "Dear me! He's a very different-looking person from what I had always imagined!"
[Pg 97]
"JUST HINT A FAULT"Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera
Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate). "Tom, dear, don't you think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people behind, you know?"
[Pg 98]
THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGERWho gets, by hook or crook, from me
Admittance free, though well knows he
That myriads turned away will be?
The Deadhead.
Who, while he for his programme pays
The smallest silver coin, inveighs
Against such fraud with eyes ablaze?
The Deadhead.
Who to his neighbour spins harangues,
On how he views with grievous pangs
The dust that on our hangings hangs?
The Deadhead.
Who, in a voice which rings afar,
Declares, while standing at the bar,
Our drinks most deleterious are?
The Deadhead.
Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers
That others give? Who jeers and sneers
At all he sees and all he hears?
The Deadhead.
Who loudly, as the drama's plot
Unfolds, declares the tale a lot
Of balderdash and tommy-rot?
The Deadhead.[Pg 100]
Who dubs the actors boorish hinds?
Who fault with all the scenery finds?
Who with disgust his molars grinds?
The Deadhead.
Who spreads dissatisfaction wide
'Mongst those who else with all they spied
Had been extremely satisfied?
The Deadhead.
Who runs us down for many a day,
And keeps no end of folks away
That else would for admittance pay?
The Deadhead.
Who keeps his reputation still,
For recompensing good with ill
With more than pandemonium's skill?
The Deadhead.
Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom
In all its blackness o'er me loom?
Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb?
The Deadhead.
[Pg 99]
Ibsen in Brixton.
Mrs. Harris. "Yes, William, I've thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and dickey-bird, and so I'm going!"
A five bar rest
[Pg 101]
Seedy Provincial Actor. "Young man, I hear that you propose to essay the r�le of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to do it?" Prosperous London ditto. "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on to it." Seedy Provincial Actor. "H'm. They egged me OFF!"
[Pg 102]
LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME (By an Intelligent Schoolboy)That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies.
That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend much of their time in break-downs.
That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a distressingly long time.
That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their tongues, than clothes to their backs.
That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they dance so much in the sunlight.
That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient protection from the showers that must be required to produce the gigantic and highly-coloured fairy flora.
That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events) must take in the daily papers.
That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but[Pg 104] nothing seems to come of it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in short, what he's at altogether.
That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see why they don't catch her.
That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.
That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts, butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the whole is lucky to escape hanging.
That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked head-over-heels.
[Pg 103]
THE NEW PLAY
Low Comedian. "Have you seen the notice?"
Tragedian. "No; is it a good one?"
Low Comedian. "It's a fortnight's."
A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.
[Pg 105]
TERRIFIC SITUATION!
Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!
[Pg 106]
APPRECIATIVE!The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry). I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance of Scenes from Shakspeare.
Mrs. Mugby. Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"—and the grand lady, mum——
Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly). You mean "Hamlet" and his mother—the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it?
Mrs. Mugby. Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for many a long day.
[Exit Miss B., thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown
away on this yokality.
The Book of the Play (as managers like it).—"All places taken for the next fortnight."
When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally tell the exact truth.
[Pg 107]
SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME
"Where got'st thou that goose?—look!"
(Macbeth, Act V., Sc. 3.)
[Pg 108]
A Disenchantment.
Grandpapa. "What? Bob in love with Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" Bob (firing up). "Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had better not be said in my presence, that's all!" Grandpapa. "I say a word against her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over ears in love with her myself—when I was your age!"
[Pg 109]
The Problem Play.
New Woman (with the hat). "No! My principle is simply this—if there's a demand for these plays, it must be supplied!" Woman not New (with the bonnet). "Precisely! Just as with the bull-fights in Spain!"
[Scores
[Pg 110]
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