Mr. Punch at the Play: Humours of Music and the Drama by Hammerton and Keene (most popular novels of all time txt) 📖

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course, you must allow for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances.

Brown. Are you going to stay for The Gory Hand?

Jones. Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough of it.

Robinson. Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.

Jones. Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different from the other plays.

Robinson. Well, I don't mind horrors—in fact, like them. There goes the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.

Brown. That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!

[Exit Robinson.

Jones. Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the curtain.

Brown. Yes—but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially at the[Pg 166] end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.

Jones. No—it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the merit of being short. (Applause.) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how Robinson likes it. That tableau at the end, of the starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! (Enter Robinson, staggering in.) Why, my boy, what's the matter?

Brown. You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it all to-rights!

Robinson (with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror). Help, help! help! (After a long shudder.) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!

[At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol.

Brown. Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like The Bells, you require supporting.

[Curtain and moral.

[Pg 161]

Manager of "Freak" Show. "Have I got a vacancy for a giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"

Candidate. "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"

[Pg 163]

An Irresistible Appeal.

Mrs. Blokey (who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's 'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the stage—and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a great grief to us, I assure you, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' him a leadin' part in your next piece!"

[Pg 165]

What our Dramatist has to put up with.

His Wife (reading a Sunday paper). "A propos of Hamlet, they say here that you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic art!"

He. "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"

[Pg 167]

OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE

"Yah! Waitin' ter see der kids play!"

[Pg 168]

Actor (excitedly). "For two long years have I——"

A Voice from above. "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"

[Pg 169]

STUDY

Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque

[Pg 170]

COLOURED CLERGY

(A Memory of St. James's Hall)

Uncle (can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing). "Who do you say they are, my dear!—Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no doubt, my dear!!"

[Pg 171]

SUPEREROGATION

Country Maid (having first seen "missus" and the children into a cab). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane Theat——?"

Crabbed Old Cabby (with expression of ineffable contempt). "Do I know! Kim aup——!"

[Pg 172]

Jones (alluding to the song). "Not bad; but I think the girl might have put a little more spirit into it with advantage."

Lushington. "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"

[Pg 173]

After the Theatricals.

"What on earth made you tell that appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"

[Pg 174]

"Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"

"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."

[Pg 175]

"Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in again."

[Pg 176]

A DOMESTIC DRAMA "Admit two to the boxes."

[Pg 177]

PROGRESS

Young Rustic. "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"

Senior (after a pause). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday skewl, and don't know that!"

[Pg 178]

"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO

"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"—Act I., Sc. 2.

"I could a tail unfold!"—Ibid.

"What a falling off was there!"—Ibid.

"Methinks I scent the morning hair!"—Ibid.

"Brief let me be!"—Ibid.

"Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"—Act I., Sc. 5.

[Pg 179]

"Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."—Act II., Sc. 2.

"The King, sir."—"Ay, sir, what of him?"—"Is in his retirement marvellous distempered."—"With drink, sir!"—"No, my lord, rather with collar!"—Act III., Sc. 2.

"Oh, my offence is rank!"—Act III., Sc. 3.

"Put your bonnet to his right use—'tis for the head."—Act V., Sc. 2.

[Pg 180]

"Coming Events cast their Shadows before them."

Domesticated Wife. "Oh, George, I wish you'd just——" Talented Husband (author of various successful comic songs for music halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti). "Oh, for goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me now! You might see I'm trying to work out some quite new lines for the fairy in the transformation scene of the pantomime!"

[Pg 181]

A SENSITIVE EAR.

Intelligent Briton. "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"

Mademoiselle. "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite English blank verse!"

Intelligent Briton. "Of course not. I mean French blank verse—the blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Moli�re!"

Mademoiselle. "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"

[Briton still tries to look intelligent.

[Pg 182]

DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES

Drew wry lane

Cove in garden

Cry-teary 'un

Prints of whales

"A—mark it!"

Gay at tea

[Pg 183]

Princesses and royal tea

Globe

"Scent, James?"

Strand and "save, hoi!"

Only in play!

The actor who has his head turned with applause

[Pg 184]

CURTAIN-RAISERS

Extract from Ethel's correspondence:—"At the last moment something went wrong with the curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue nobly!"

[Pg 185]

"Well, how did the new play go off last night?"

"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather effective." "� la Lady Macbeth, eh?"

"Well—not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and walked out!"

[Pg 187]

MUSIC HALL TYPES I.—The "Lion Comique"

[Pg 188]

MUSIC HALL TYPES II.—The "Serio"

[Pg 190]

MUSIC HALL TYPES III.—The "Refined Comedian"

[Pg 187]

On Tour.

Heavy Tragedian. "Do you let apartments to—ah—the profession?" Unsophisticated Landlady. "Oh, yes, sir. Why, last week we had the performing dogs here!"

[Pg 189]

Art and Nature. (Overheard during the Private Theatricals.)

She. "How well your wife plays Lady Geraldine, Mr. Jones. I think the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How does she manage it?"

Mr. Jones (with embarrassment). "Er—she doesn't. That's her natural voice."

[Pg 191]