The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (best free ereader TXT) 📖
- Author: Mark Lemon
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An officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "Cheap defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's half-pay,—nothing a-day and find yourself."
MCDXXVII.—INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.Verdict,—Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.
MCDXXVIII.—A GRUNT.
"Doctor, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."—"Sir," said Johnson, "I can wait."
MCDXXIX.—ONE FAULT."She is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis,[Pg 313] of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her only defect."
MCDXXX.—TO THE "COMING" MAN.The world is his who best knows how to wait.
MCDXXXI.—NOTHING TO BOAST OF.
"The British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets."—"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the tax-gatherer never goes to bed."
MCDXXXII.—COLONIAL BREWERIES.What two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its first brewhouse?—S.S.
MCDXXXIII.—A CLOSER.Some person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, "Let nothing enter here but what is good."—"Then where will the master go in?" asked a cynic.
MCDXXXIV.—THE FOOL OR KNAVE.One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike.
MCDXXXV.—KNOWING HIS MAN.
An attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"—"No," replied the baron; "whom did he rob?"
MCDXXXVI.—A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.An eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many good ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take."[Pg 314]
MCDXXXVII.—SELF-APPLAUSE.Some persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.—S.S.
MCDXXXVIII.—A WOODEN JOKE.Burke said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy oak at Westminster, and a willow at St James's."
MCDXXXIX.—AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.A scholar having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. "Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the tide tarrieth for no man."
MCDXL.—THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.A dramatic author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and hear it."
MCDXLI.—ALL THE SAME.In Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places left, so I booked you one in and one out."
MCDXLII.—THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.I shall not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come," said he, "for your good—for all your goods."—"A universal principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other truths, only told by mistake."[Pg 315]
MCDXLIII.—DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.Ask thee for meat with piteous moans;
More humble I approach thy door,
And beg for nothing but thy bones.
MCDXLIV.—COOKING HIS GOOSE.
The performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his tailor's fault."—"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his misfortune too!"
MCDXLV.—TAKE WARNING!A barrister who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my coat, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also."
MCDXLVI.—"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."Hood says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its broad brim."
MCDXLVII.—CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.Dr. A——, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I pass this account; if I live, I'll examine it."
MCDXLVIII.—ON A SQUINTING POETESS.But has an eye, at once, to all the nine.
MCDXLIX.—A NEAT SUGGESTION.
A Welsh judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As you have asked the Ministry[Pg 316] for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap and a nailbrush."
MCDL.—SCOTCH "WUT."It requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of Wut, is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my lord, is very true of love in the aibstract, but——" Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.
MCDLI.—WHERE IT CAME FROM.A lady, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get such a nose as this?"—"Out of the decanter, madam," replied the doctor.
MCDLII.—QUIN AND CHARLES I.Quin sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,—"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?" Quin replied, "By all the laws that he had left them."
MCDLIII.—TIMELY FLATTERY.A gentleman was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch, madam, makes us remember the hours, and you make us forget them."
MCDLIV.—EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.One pilfers corn,—the other cheats in rum.
[Pg 317] Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
A rogue in spirit, or a rogue in grain?
MCDLV.—TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.
A traveller, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone through Euclid, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a small village between Wigan and Preston.
MCDLVI.—AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.A Frenchman, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is de pink of beauty."—"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter."—"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de drab of fashion."
MCDLVII.—A CLOSE TRANSLATION.A country gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B——, a translator of Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you."
MCDLVIII.—NEW RELATIONSHIP.A stranger to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are brothers,—brothers-in-law."
MCDLIX.—ONLY A NINEPIN.The Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the[Pg 318] House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of Lord Lonsdale's ninepins."
MCDLX.—DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE COMPOSER.Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
And for to-morrow's treat pray send thy bones!
MCDLXI.—DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.
One evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, sir; and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't know what to think of him."
MCDLXII.—A PROFESSIONAL AIM.In a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a client he would very probably have hit his pocket.
MCDLXIII.—FLYING COLORS.Sir Godfrey Kneller latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"—"Say!" replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller never painted them!"
MCDLXIV.—AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.A pompous fellow made a very inadequate offer for a[Pg 319] valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained his proposition. "No," replied the other, "your proposition entertained me."
MCDLXV.—UNION OF OPPOSITES.A phrenologist remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that doubtless those were the persons who would kill one with kindness."
MCDLXVI.—EPIGRAM.(On ——'s Veracity.)
And vows he'd never break it;
Why, zounds, a man must keep his word
When nobody will take it.
MCDLXVII.—AN UNTAXED LUXURY.
A lady having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on "the single state"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, "as on all other luxuries."
MCDLXVIII.—A DEAR SPEAKER.Soon after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, my dear Mr. Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days everything is dear."
MCDLXIX.—ABSURDLY LOGICAL.A mad Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life.[Pg 320]
MCDLXX.—PROOF POSITIVE.A chemist asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a gentleman present, "there is a bitter cold day."
MCDLXXI.—PLAYER, OR LORD.One day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player!" Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what would your lordship have me be?—a lord?"
MCDLXXII.—IN MEMORIAM.At last, indeed, great Pan is dead.
MCDLXXIII.—PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.
Sergeant Prime had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. "I
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