The Pursuit of the House-Boat by John Kendrick Bangs (ebook reader macos TXT) đ
![](/uploads/posts/books/3/1/2/3/9/the-pursuit-of-the-house-boat.jpg)
- Author: John Kendrick Bangs
Book online «The Pursuit of the House-Boat by John Kendrick Bangs (ebook reader macos TXT) đ». Author John Kendrick Bangs
âYouâd run a sort of Social Zoo?â suggested Elizabeth.
âPrecisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too. An advertisement in Boswellâs paper, which everybody buysââ
âAnd which nobody reads,â said Portia.
âThey read the advertisements,â retorted Madame RĂ©camier. âAs I was saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswellâs paper as follows: âAre you giving a Function? Do you want Talent? Get your Genius at the RĂ©camier Salon (Limited).â It would be simply magnificent as a business enterprise. The common herd would be tickled to death if they could get great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for them.â
âIt would look well in the society notes, wouldnât it, if Mr. John Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, âThe supper was furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the RĂ©camier Salon (Limited)â?â suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.
âI must admit,â replied the French lady, âthat you call up an unpleasant possibility, but I donât really see what else we can do if we want to preserve the salon idea. Somebody has told these talented people that they have a commercial value, and they are availing themselves of the demand.â
âIt is a sad age!â sighed Elizabeth.
âWell, all Iâve got to say is just this,â put in Xanthippe: âYou people who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on yourselves. You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last winter, for instance. His wife told me that he dined at home three times during the winter. The rest of the time he was out, here, there, and everywhere, making after-dinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills didnât pay his pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It was as much as she could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that he couldnât go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid he would be invited out and couldnât scare up a decent excuse for refusing.â
âDid he do that?â cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter.
âSo the cyclopĂŠdias say. Itâs a good plan, too,â said Xanthippe. âThough Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates was going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the case of Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforzaâs Thursday Night Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people simply run it into the ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood leads on to fortune. It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is expected to be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical. If they are getting tired of candy and compliments, itâs because you have forced too much of it upon them.â
âThey like it, just the same,â retorted RĂ©camier. âA genius likes nothing better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many a noble brow.â
âTrue,â said Xanthippe. âBut when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will bring on the market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt to weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman, and a man is apt to love it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding instead of permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm.â
âThat is Socratic in its wisdom,â smiled Portia.
âBut Xanthippic in its origin,â returned Xanthippe. âNo man ever gave me my ideas.â
As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.
âHurry and save yourselves!â she cried. âThe boat has broken loose from her moorings, and is floating down the stream. If we donât hurry up and do something, weâll drift out to sea!â
âWhat!â cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the stairs. âI was certain I felt a slight motion. You said it was the wash from one of Charonâs barges, Elizabeth.â
âI thought it was,â said Elizabeth, following closely after.
âWell, it wasnât,â moaned Lucretia Borgia. âCalpurnia just looked out of the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream.â
The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend, Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway to the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain Kidd were thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out through the gathering gloom. âPipe my eye for a sardine if we havenât captured a female seminary!â he cried.
And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard-room, while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and retreated into the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his followers as to âwhat next.â
p. 73VA CONFERENCE ON DECK
âHereâs a kettle of fish!â said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the captain to discuss the situation. âIâm blessed if in all my experience I ever sailed athwart anything like it afore! Pirating with a lot of low-down ruffians like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded to the waterâs edge with advanced womenâIâve half a mind to turn back.â
âIf you do, you swimâweâll not turn back with you,â retorted Abeuchapeta, whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed executive officer of the House-boat. âI have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx. I am out for business. If you had thirty thousand women on board, still should I not turn back.â
âBut what shall we do with âem?â pleaded Kidd. âWhere can we go without attracting attention? Whoâs going to feed âem? Whoâs going to dress âem? Whoâs going to keep âem in bonnets? You donât know anything about these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way, canât we arbitrate that name of yours? It would be fearful to remember in the excitement of a fight.â
âCall him Ab,â suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed sneer, for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapetaâs preferral.
âIf you do Iâll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit,â retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.
âBy the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers,â began Morgan, springing angrily to his feet, âIâll have your life!â
âGentlemen! Gentlemenâmy noble ruffians!â expostulated Kidd. âCome, come; this will never do! I must have no quarrelling among my aides. This is no time for divisions in our councils. An entirely unexpected element has entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in concert. It is no light matterââ
âExcuse me, captain,â said Abeuchapeta, âbut that is where you and I do not agree. Weâve got our ship and weâve got our crew, and in addition we find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as ballast. Now I, for one, do not fear a woman. We can set them to work. There is plenty for them to do keeping things tidy; and if we get into a very hard fight, and come out of the mĂȘlĂ©e somewhat the worse for wear, it will be a blessing to have âem along to mend our togas, sew buttons on our uniforms, and darn our hosiery.â
Morgan laughed sarcastically. âWhen did you flourish, if ever, colonel?â he asked.
âDo you refer to me?â queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown.
âYou have guessed correctly,â replied Morgan, icily. âI have quite forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?â
âAdmiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry,â interposed Kidd, fearing a further outbreak of hostilitiesââAdmiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and his piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is without parallel off the comic-opera stage. He never went forth without at least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels.â
Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly. âSix-ninety-eight was my great year,â he said.
âThatâs what I thought,â said Morgan. âThat is to say, you got your ideas of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat since that time. I have great respect for you, sir, as a ruffian. I have no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete success, but when it comes to âfeminologyâ you are sailing in unknown waters. The study of women, my dear Abeuchadnezzarââ
âPeta,â retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.
âI stand corrected. The study of women, my dear Peter,â said Morgan, with a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate did not see, else there would have been an open breakââthe study of women is more difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but all women are unique. Because she was this, that, or the other thing in your day does not prove that she is any one of those things in our dayâin fact, it proves the contrary. Why, I venture even to say that no individual woman is alike.â
âThatâs rather a hazy thought,â said Kidd, scratching his head in a puzzled sort of way.
âI mean that sheâs different from herself at different times,â said Morgan. âWhat is it the poet called her?ââan infinite variety show,â or something of that sort; a perpetual vaudevilleâa continuous performance, as it were, from twelve to twelve.â
âMorgan is right, admiral!â put in Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily as boâsun. âThe times are sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she was. She is hardly what she is, much less what she was. The Roman GynĂŠceum would be an impossibility to-day. You might as well expect Delilah to open a barber-shop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced females below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirateâs uniform after a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets curled. Theyâre no longer sewing-machinesâthey are Keeley motors for mystery and perpetual motion. Women have views now they are no longer content to be looked at merely; they must see for themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate man and emancipate woman. Itâs my private opinion that if we are to get along with them at all the best thing to do is to let âem alone. I have always found I was better off in the abstract, and if this question is going to be settled in a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to a vote, Iâll vote for any measure which involves leaving them strictly to themselves. Theyâre nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can pretend we donât see them.â
âIf that could be, it would be excellent,â said Morgan; âbut it is impossible. For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you are strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not inebriates. We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than we can expect whales to spout kerosene. In the first place, it would be excessively impolite of us to cut themâto decline to speak to them if they should address us. We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we shall never forget that we are gentlemen.â
âThe whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, donât you think?â suggested Conrad. âThereâs nobody to introduce us, and I canât really see how we can do otherwise than ignore them. I certainly am not going to stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick up an acquaintance with them, even if I am of a Byronic strain.â
âYou forget,â said Kidd, âtwo essential features of the situation. These women are at presentâor shortly will be, when they realize their situationâin distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the seas, and I understand that on the fashionable transatlantic lines it is now considered de rigueur to speak to anybody you choose to. The introduction business isnât going to stand in my way.â
âWell, may I ask,â put in
Comments (0)