The Pursuit of the House-Boat by John Kendrick Bangs (ebook reader macos TXT) đ
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- Author: John Kendrick Bangs
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âExactly, and weâll have to pay the milliners. That is what bothers me. I was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York, admiral. That is where the money is, and to get it youâve got to go ashore, to headquarters. You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas. Modern civilization,â said Kidd, âhas ruined the pirateâs business. The latest news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that I never dreamed of. The conditions of the day of which I speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins here. Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you to give up piracy on the high seas?â
âNot the slightest, Captain Kidd,â returned Captain Hawkins, who was a recent arrival in Hades. âIt is a sad little story, and it gives me a pain for to think on it, but none the less Iâll tell it, since you ask me. When I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due to my readinâ, which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school naterâto become somethinâ different from the little Willies anâ the clever Tommies what I read about therein. They was all good, anâ they went to their reward too soon in life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a stuffy anâ unpleasant diversion. Learninâ at an early period that virtue was its only reward, anâ a-wish-inâ others, I says to myself: âJim,â says I, âif you wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful. If so be as you are a good boy, anâ kind to your sister anâ all other animals, youâll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure, with never no hope for no public preferment beyond beinâ made the super-intendent of the Sunday-school; but if so be as how youâre bad, you may become famous, anâ go to Congress, anâ have your picture in the Sunday noospapers.â So I looks around for books tellinâ how to get âFamous in Fifty Ways,â anâ after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirateâs just the thing for me, seeinâ as how itâs both profitable anâ healthy. Pass-inâ over details, let me tell you that I became a pirate. I ran away to sea, anâ by dint of perseverance, as the Sunday-school book useter say, in my badness I soon became the centre of a evil lot; anâ when I says to âem, âBoys, I wants to be a pirate chief,â they hollers back, loud like, âJim, weâre with you,â anâ they was. For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish Main, anâ the Pacific seas, but there was precious little money into it. The best pay I got was from a Sunday noospaper which paid me well to sign an article on âModern Piracyâ which I didnât write. Finally business got so bad the crew began to murmur, anâ I was at my witsâ ends to please âem; when one morninâ, havinâ passed a restless night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that âNext Saturdayâs steamer is a weritable treasure-ship, takinâ out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.â âHereâs my chance,â says I, anâ I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer. I captures her easy, my crew beinâ hungry, anâ fightin according like. We steals the box a-hold-inâ the jewels anâ the bag containinâ the millions, hustles back to our own ship, anâ makes for our rondyvoo, me with two bullets in my leg, four oâ my crew killed, and one enginâ of my ship disabled by a shotâbut happy. Twelve anâ a half millions at one break is enough to make anybody happy.â
âI should say so,â said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head. âI didnât get that in all my career.â
âNor I,â sighed Kidd. âBut go on, Hawkins.â
âWell, as I says,â continued Captain Hawkins, âwe goes to the rondyvoo to look over our booty. âCaptain âAwkins,â says my valetâfor I was a swell pirate, gents, anâ never travelled nowhere without a man to keep my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousersââthis âere twelve millions,â says he, âis werry light,â says he, carryinâ the bag ashore. âI donât care how light it is, so long as itâs twelve millions, Henderson,â says I; but my heart sinks inside oâ me at his words, anâ the minute we lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach. I opens the bag, anâ itâs the one I was afterâbut the twelve millions!â
âWerenât there?â cried Conrad.
âYes, they was there,â sighed Hawkins, âbut every bloominâ million was represented by a certified check, anâ payable in London!â
âBy Jingo!â cried Morgan. âWhat fearful luck! But you had the prima donnaâs jewels.â
âYes,â said Hawkins, with a moan. âBut they was like all other prima donnaâs jewelsâfor advertisinâ purposes only, anâ made oâ gum-arabic!â
âHorrible!â said Abeuchapeta. âAnd the crew, what did they say?â
âThey was a crew of a few words,â sighed Hawkins. âWerry few words, anâ not a civil word in the lotâmostly adjectives of a profane kind. When I told âem what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-jiltinâ of âem, anââwell, I came here. I was âsasâinated that werry night!â
âThey killed you?â cried Morgan.
âA dozen times,â nodded Hawkins. âThey always was a lavish lot. I met death in all its most horrid forms. First they stabbed me, then they shot me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endinâ up with a lynchinââbut I didnât mind much after the first, which hurt a bit. But now that Iâm here Iâm glad it happened. This life is sort of less responsible than that other. You canât hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ainât nothing to hurt, anâ I must say I like beinâ a mere vision what everybody can see through.â
âAll of which interesting tale proves what?â queried Abeuchapeta.
âThat piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check banking system,â said Kidd. âIf you can get a chance at real gold itâs all right, but itâs of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop payment on. Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be found.â
âWell? Canât we do it now?â asked Abeuchapeta.
âNot with these women tagging after us,â returned Kidd. âIf we went to London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would have it spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours.â
âThen leave them on board,â said Abeuchapeta.
âAnd have them steal the ship!â retorted Kidd. âNo. There are but two things to do. Take âem back, or land them in Paris. Tell them to spend a week on shore while we are provisioning. Tell âem to shop to their heartsâ content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave them stranded.â
âSplendid!â cried Morgan.
âBut will they consent?â asked Abeuchapeta.
âConsent! To shop? In Paris? For a week?â cried Morgan.
âHa, ha!â laughed Hawkins. âWill they consent! Will a duck swim?â
And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed to count.
p. 89VIA CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the House-boat was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosen to gaze through that diaphanous personâs ribs, could have been seen to beat angrily.
Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in the most unroyal fashion.
âWell!â she ejaculated. âIf this does not surpass everything! The idea of it! Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour of the block!â
âGet up,â retorted Cleopatra, âand let us all return to the billiard-room and discuss this matter calmly. It is quite evident that something has happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft.â
âThat is a good idea,â said Calpurnia, retreating below. âI can see through the window that we are in motion. The vessel has left her moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than of accident. Let us below.â
Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gave one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.
âVery well,â she said. âLet us below; but oh, for the axe!â
âBring the lady an axe,â cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. âShe wants to cut somebody.â
The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded as being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back into the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about anxiously discussing the situation.
âItâs getting rougher every minute,â sobbed Ophelia. âLook at those pool-balls!â These were in very truth chasing each other about the table in an extraordinary fashion. âAnd I wish Iâd never followed you horrid new creatures on board!â the poor girl added, in an agony of despair.
âI believe weâve crossed the bar already!â said Cleopatra, gazing out of the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the disquietude of the fair gathering. âIf this is merely a joke on the part of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time it should cease.â
âOh, for an axe!â moaned Elizabeth, again.
âExcuse me, your Majesty,â put in Xanthippe. âYou said that before, and I must say it is getting tiresome. You couldnât do anything with an axe. Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who were accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I donât believe, if you had the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrate upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in the neck if you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, for all the good it would do us in our predicament. If Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to the purpose. One deadly little snake like that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and even then our condition would not be bettered, for there isnât any of us that can sail a boat. There isnât an old salt among us.â
âToo bad Mrs. Lot isnât along,â giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which she found herself.
âIâm here,â piped up Mrs. Lot. âBut Iâm not that kind of a salt.â
âI am present,â said Mrs. Noah. âThough why I ever came I donât know, for I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enough for me, and that Iâd never step aboard another boat as long as I lived. If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it.â
âIâm sure weâre very much obliged for the offer,â said Portia, âbut in the emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we know what your experience amounted to. Before relying upon you we ought to know how far that reliance can goânot that I lack confidence in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care, to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed.â
âThe point is properly taken,â said Elizabeth, âand I wish to say here that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us so level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has spoken truly and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I should make her my attorney-general. We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at all
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