The Dreamers: A Club by John Kendrick Bangs (ebook pdf reader for pc txt) đ
- Author: John Kendrick Bangs
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Hennessey departed in search of his club sandwich, which was subsequently alluded to in my bill, and for which I paid with pleasure, for Hennessey is a good fellow. I then found myself listening to the conversation between Dolly and Dooley.
âRoscommon, of course,â Dolly was saying. What marvellous adaptability that woman has! âHow could you think, my dear cousin, that I belonged to the farmer Dooleys?â
âI tâought as much,â said Mr. Dooley, genially, ânow that Iâve seen ye. Whin you put thâ wor-rds âat homeâ on yer car-rd, I had me doots. No Dooley iv thâ right sor-rt iver liked annytâing a landlord gave him; anâ whin yâ expreshed satisfaction[153] wid thâ Hippojorium, I didnât at first tâink ye was a true Dooley. Since Iâve seen ye, I love ye properly, maâamâlike thâ cousin I am. Iâve read iv ye, just as Iâve read iv yer hoosband, Cousin Roopert here be marritch, in thâ biojographies of Mr. Antâny Hawp, anâ while I cudnât help likinâ ye, I must say I didnât tâink ye was very deep on thâ surface, anâ when I read iv your elopinâ with Cousin Roop, I says to Hennessey, I says, âHennessey,â I says, âthatâs all right, theyâd bote iv âem better die, but let us not be asashinators,â I says; âlet âem be joined in marritch. Thatâs punishment enough,â I says to Hennessey. Ye see, Miss Dooley, I have been marrit meself.â
âBut I have found married life far from punishment,â I heard Dolly say. âI fear youâre a sad pessimist, Mr. Dooley,â she added.
âIâm not,â Mr. Dooley replied. âIâm a Jimmycrat out anâ out, if ye refer to me politics; but if your remark is a reflection on me religion, let me tell ye, maâam,[154] that, like all me countrymen in this beautiful land, Iâm a Uni-tarrian, anâ prood iv it.â
I ventured to interpose at this point.
âDooley,â said I, âyour cousin Roop, as you call him, is very glad to meet you, whatever your politics or your religion.â
âMosht people are,â said he, dryly.
âThat shows good taste,â said I. âBut how about your book? It has been accepted on the strength of its illustrations, you say. How about them? Can we see them anywhere? Are they on exhibition?â
âYou can not only see thim, but you can drink âem free anny time you come out to Archie Road,â Dooley replied, cordially.
âDrinkâa picture?â I asked.
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âYis,â said Dooley. âDidnât ye iver hear iv dhrinkinâ in a picture, Cousin Roopert? Didnât ye hear thâ tark about thâ âAngelusâ whin âtwas here? Ye cud hear thâ bells ringinâ troo thâ paint iv it. Ye cud almost hear thâ couple in front just back iv thâ varnish quarâlin as tâwhether âtwas thâ Angelus er the facthery bell that [157] was goinâ off. âTwas big anâ little felt thâ inflooance iv Misther Millerâs jaynius, just be lukinâ at utâthough as fer me, thâ fir-rst time I see the tâing I says, says I, âIs ut lukinâ for bait to go fishinâ with they are?â I says. âCanât ye hear the pealinâ iv the bells?â says Hennessey, who was with me. âThat anâ more,â I says. âI can hear the pealinâ oâ thâ petayties,â I says. âDo ye dhrink in thâ feelinâ iv it?â says Hennessey. âNaw, tâank ye,â I says. âIâm not thirsty,â I says. âBesides, Iâve swore off dhrinkinâ ile-paintinâs,â I says. âWathercoolers is gud enough fer me,â I says. Anâ wid that we wint back to the Road. But that was thâ fir-rst time I iver heard iv dhrinkinâ a work iv ar-rt.â
âBut some of the things youâahâyou Americans drink,â put in Dolly, âare works of art, my dear Mr. Dooley. Your cousin Rupert gave me a cocktail at dinner last nightââ
âYeâve hit ut, Miss Dooley,â returned the philosopher, with a beautiful enthusiasm. âYeâve hit ut square. I see[158] now yâre a thrue Dooley. Anâ wid yer kind permission Iâll dedicate me book to ye. Utâs cocktails that bookâs about, maâam. Fifty Cocktails I Have Met is thâ na-ame iv ut. Anâ whin I submitted thâ mannyscripâ wid thâ illusthrations to the publisher, he dhrank âem all, anâ he says, âDooley,â he says, âutâs a go. Iâll do yer book,â he says, âanâ Iâll pay ye wan hoondred anâ siventy-five per cent.,â he says. âSet âem up again, Dooley,â he says; anâ I mixed âem. âI tâink, Dooley,â he says, afther goinâ troo thâ illusthrations thâ second toimeââI tâink,â he says, âyeâd ought to get two hoondred anâ wan per cent. on thâ retail price iv thâ book,â he says. âCanât I take a bottle iv these illusthrations to me office?â he says. âIâd like to look âem over,â he says; anâ I mixed âim up a quar-rt iv thâ illusthrations to thâ chapther on thâ Mar-rtinney, anâ sent him back to his partner in thâ ambylanch.â
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âI shall look forward to the publication of your book with much interest, Mr. Dooley,â said Dolly. âNow that I have discovered our cousinship, I am even more interested in you than I was before; and let me tell you that, before I met you, I thought of you as the most vital figure in American humor that has been produced in many years.â
[161]âI know nothinâ iv American humor,â said Dooley, âfor I havenât met anny lately, anâ I know nothinâ iv victuals save what I ate, anâ me appytite is as satisfoid wid itself as Hobson is wid thâ kisses brawt onto him by thâ sinkinâ iv thâ Merrimickinley. But for you anâ Misther Rassendyll, maâam, Iâve nothinâ but good wishes anâ ahâillusthrations to me book whenever ye give yer orders. Kape your hoosband home, Miss Dooley,â he added. âHeâs scrapped wanst too often already wiâ thâ Ruraltarriers, anâ heâs been killed off wanst by Mr. Antâny Hawp; but heâll niver die if ye only kape him home. If he goes out heâll git fightinâ agin. If he attimpts a sayquil to the sayquil, heâs dead sure enough!â
And with this Dolly and Dooley parted.[162]
For myself, Rupert Rassendyll, I think Dooleyâs advice was good, and as long as Dolly will keep me home, Iâll stay. For is it not better to be the happy husband of Dolly of the Dialogues, than to be going about like a knight of the Middle Ages clad in the evening dress of the nineteenth century, doing impossible things?
As for Dooleyâs impression of Dolly, I can only quote what I heard he had said after meeting her.
âSheâs a Dooley sure,â said he, being novel to compliment. And I am glad she is, for despite the charms of Flavia of pleasant memory, thereâs nobody like Dolly for me, and if Dolly can only be acknowledged by the Dooleys, her fame, I am absolutely confident, is assured.
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IX IN WHICH YELLOW JOURNALISM CREEPS INThe applause which followed the reading of the Dooley Dialogue showed very clearly that, among the diners at least, neither Dooley nor Dolly had waned in popularity. If the dilution, the faint echo of the originals, evoked such applause, how potent must have been the genius of the men who first gave life to Dooley and the fair Dolly!
âThatâs good stuff, Greenwich,â said Billie Jones. âYou must have eaten a particularly digestible meal. Now for the tenth ball. Who has it?â
âI,â said Dick Snobbe, rising majestically from his chair. âAnd I can tell you what it is; I had a tough time of it in my[164] dream, as you will perceive when I recite to you the story of my experiences at the battle of Manila.â
âGreat Scott, Dick!â cried Bedford Parke. âYou werenât in that, were you?â
âSir,â returned Dick, âI was not only in it, I was the thing itself. I was the war correspondent of the Sunday Whirnal, attached to Deweyâs fleet.â
Whereupon the talented Mr. Snobbe proceeded to read the following cable despatch from the special correspondent of the Whirnal:
MANILA FALLS
THE SPANISH FLEET DESTROYED
THE SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT OF THE WHIRNAL
Aided by Commodore Dewey and his Fleet
CAPTURES THE PHILIPPINES
Manila, May 1, 1898.âI have glorious news. I have this day destroyed the Spanish fleet and captured the Philippine Islands. According to my instructions [165] from the City Editor of the Whirnal, I boarded the Olympia, the flag-ship of the fleet under Commodore Dewey at Hong-kong, on Wednesday last. Upon reading my credentials the Commodore immediately surrendered the command of the fleet to me, and retired to his state-room, where he has since remained. I deemed it well to keep him there until after the battle was over, fearing lest he should annoy me with suggestions, and not knowing but that he might at any time spread dissension among the officers and men, who, after the habit of seamen, frequently manifest undue affection and sympathy for a deposed commander. I likewise, according to your wishes, concealed from the officers and crew the fact that the Commodore had been deposed, furthering the concealment by myself making up as Dewey. Indeed, it was not until after the battle this morning that any but Dewey and the shipâs barber were aware of the substitution, since my disguise was perfect. The shipâs barber I had to take [166]into my confidence, for unfortunately on leaving Hong-kong I had forgotten to provide myself with a false mustache, so that in concealing the deposition of the Commodore by myself assuming his personality I was compelled to have the gentlemanâs mustache removed from his upper lip and transferred to my own. This the barber did with neatness and despatch, I having first chloroformed the Commodore, from whom some resistance might have been expected, owing to his peculiar temperament. Fortunately the fellow was an expert wig-maker, and within an hour of the shaving of Dewey I was provided with a mustache which could not fail to be recognized as the Commodoreâs, since it was indeed that very same object. When five hundred miles at sea I dropped the barber overboard, fearing lest he should disturb my plans by talking too much. I hated to do it, but in the interest of the Whirnal I hold life itself as of little consequence, particularly if it is the life of some one elseâand who knows but the [167] poor fellow was an expert swimmer, and has by this time reached Borneo or some other bit of dry land? He was alive when I last saw him, and yelling right lustily. If it so happen that he has swum ashore somewhere, kindly let me know at your convenience; for beneath a correspondentâs exterior I have a warm heart, and it sometimes troubles me to think that the poor fellow may have foundered, since the sea was stressful and the nearest dry point was four hundred and sixty knots away to S.E. by N.G., while the wind was blowing N.W. by N.Y.C. & H.R.R. But to my despatch.
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THE SHIPâS BARBER AT WORK[169]
Dewey done for, despoiled of his mustache and rifled of his place, with a heavy sea running and a dense fog listing to starboard, I summoned my officers to the flag-ship, and, on the evening of April 30th, the fog-horns of Cavité having indicated the approach of the Philippine coast, gave them, one and all, their final instructions. These were, in brief, never to do anything without consulting with me.
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âTo facilitate matters, gentlemen,â said I, ordering an extra supply of grog for the captains, and milk punches for the lieutenants, âwe must connect the various vessels of the fleet with telephone wires. Who will undertake this perilous duty?â
They rose up as one man, and, with the precision of a grand-opera chorus, replied: âCommodoreââfor they had not penetrated my disguiseââcall upon us. If you will provide the wires and the âphones, we will do the rest.â And they followed these patriotic words with cheers for me.
Their heroism so affected me that I had difficulty in frowning upon the head-butlerâs suggestion that my glass should be filled again.
âGentlemen,â said I, huskilyâfor I was visibly affectedââI have provided for all. I could not do otherwise and remain myself. You will find ten thousand miles of wire and sixty-six telephones in the larder.â
That night every ship in the fleet was provided with telephone service. I appointed[171] the Olympia to be the central office, so that I might myself control all the messages, or at least hear them as they passed to and fro. In the absence of ladies from the fleet, I appointed a somewhat effeminate subaltern to the post of âHello Officer,â with complete control over the switch-board. And, as it transpired, this was a very wise precaution, because the central office was placed
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