I Am Happy... by Evil Angel97 (heaven official's blessing novel english .TXT) 📖

I shouldn't be doing this. I've all ready done it too many times. This thought ran through my head repeatedly. But it didn't stop me from taking the knife out of my drawer. I walked into the bathroom and started the water in the bathtub. 

Postitioning the blade over my arm I pressed down and drew it across the skin. I felt the moment of relief and did it again. Three on each arm. That's my limit. Not too deep. But deep enough to have to have it bandaged. I watched the blood as it ran down the drain. I didn't bother with shampoo or conditioner. Just rinsed the egg out of my hair and washed the remaining blood down the drain. 

"I'm out of the shower! I'll be out in a minute!" I looked down at the pile of clothes on the floor and realized I'd left my stuff in my room. Shit. Opening the door slowly I looked down the hall. I could hear him still down stairs. I ran across the hall and into my room, slamming the door. I quickly found some clothes. That's when i saw it. The trail of blood leading across the floor. 

"Casey? Are you okay?" I could hear Isaac coming up the stairs. "Yeah! I'm fine. Just, umm... Just hold on a minute." I heard him pause outside my door. "Can I come in?" I looked at my arms and saw the blood was starting to congeal. I repositioned them so the cuts didn't show.

"Yeah. Go ahead." I pulled on some underwear just as he was opening the door. I sat there with the towel wrapped around me.

"Are you okay? What's going on?" I was shaking but I didn't care.

"I'm fine. Can you- Uh, can you get into that drawer over there? And get me a long sleeved shirt? And then the bottle of pills off the dresser?" 

"Yeah. Do you need some water?" I shook my head. He handed me the pills first. I popped the bottle over and placed one of them on my tongue. I swallowed and soon felt myself calming. "Here." He handed me the shirt. Black. Good. I pulled on my jeans and turned around while I put on my bra. I was just pulling my shirt over my head when I heard him take a sharp gasp of breath. 

"Casey? Is that, is that what I think it is?" I turned my head and saw him pointing at the floor where there was a small dark spot. Blood. "I don't know. What do you think it is?" He looked at me and before I knew it he was grabbing my arm. My first instinct was to jerk back. But he held me firm and pushed up the sleeve, disrupting the clotting and sending more blood running down my arm.

"Let go. Please." I whispered this. He loosened his grip on my arm and sat down on the bed. I started walking out of the room to go get a washcloth to clean up the trail running across the floor. "Casey. You, you don't have to do that. What's going on?" I shook my head and grabbed the pills off my night stand getting ready to take another one. 

I felt his hand cover mine just as I was about to open the cap. "Casey? Come on. What is it?" I shook my head and jerked my hand back. "It's nothing. Leave me alone." I turned and uncapped the bottle pouring out more pills than necessary. I dumped most of them back into the bottle and took the remaining ones.

"Casey! We're home! Where's our snack?" I looked at him and motioned to the window. "I'm fine. Please. Go. Just, leave it alone. Leave that part of me alone. I'll be out in a minute." He looked at my arm one more time before walking to the window.

I quickly cleaned the blood off the floor and made it look like I'd never come back. For good measure I put the bottle back on the dresser. Quickly pulling a new hoodie on I paced to the window and climbed out onto the ledge. Positioning myself so I'd land on the trampoline I realized something. Isaac was still standing there. Watching me. Horrified.

I placed my finger to my lips as a motion for him to be quiet and then I jumped. I hit the trampoline and bounced once before I rolled off. "Okay. Let's go before they see me." He watched me warily as I pulled my hood up around my face and started walking.

He grabbed my arm gently and turned me to face him. "Casey, come on. Why?" I didn't even bother to pull my arm back this time. "Because. That's it. Because. Just leave it alone. Please. Just leave it alone..."

I expected him to drop my arm or do something to distance himself from me. Instead he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in closer to him. Kissing my forehead he whispered in my ear, "You don't need to do that. But, okay. I'll leave it alone. If only to keep you from doing it again."

And that's when the first tear rolled down my cheek.

I knew after that first tear came out, I wouldn't be able to stop the flow that was coming after. I just ducked my head and headed towards the truck. Climbing into it I realized that I had mascara running down my face. Making an attempt to wipe it away I only made it worse. Finally I just gave up.

I pulled my hood tighter around my face and curled up as small as I possibly could. I heard Isaac climb into the truck and put his seat belt on. After a minute he said, "Where are we going?" Not knowing what to say I just shook my head and shrugged. 

"Okay. I'll take you back to my house." At those words I looked up at him. I knew I was safe. But I didn't know what I would run into at his house. "No. It's fine. Just- Just go straight for two blocks then turn right and keep going until you hit a dirt road. It'll take us out to the park." 

He didn't say anything to acknowledge he heard this. Just started driving. I curled myself back up to ward off the shaking that was threatening to overcome me. Why hadn't I grabbed my pills. That's when I remembered I had a baggy of them in my wallet. I reached into my pocket and pulled it out. Sure enough, there was the baggy. I took two of them out and stuck them in my mouth. After a few minutes it stopped.

"What are those for?" I hadn't realized that he was watching me. I looked down at the bag and tried to think what the doctor had said. After a few minutes of silence I gave up. "It's some sort of weird anxiety disorder. When I get upset or over excited I start to shake. It's kind of like a seizure except not nearly as bad. The doctor my parents took me to said when ever I feel like I'm about to go into one, when I start shaking, take two of them. If that doesn't work take another one until it stops. I've only managed to go up to five so far." 

I sat up to see where we were and realized we were almost to the park. "So, why did you pick this park? I saw plenty of them in town." I wasn't going to tell him why I picked this park. That was too personal. Instead I just said, "I have some really good memories here. Before everything got really bad..." 

"Got bad as in?" He let the question hang there. How would I explain to him about my family? About my brother? About Tyler? About everything...

"Umm... I don't want to go into that. Just, some really bad stuff happened. And this is where I always came. Up until about two years ago..." I could still remember it like it was yesterday.

***

It was four o' clock. Everybody had just gotten out of school. My older brother and his friend, Tyler, decided to take me to the park. I was excited. Although I was grumpy that Tyler was coming. This was supposed to be mine and Jason's special place. Where he took me to calm me down when I started having the anxiety attacks. 

After a while though I was also extremely glad that he had come. They were playing with me. Tossing me into the water in the shallow end. Swimming around. Just acting like good older brothers. My brother, though, after a while climbed out of the water and left me and Tyler alone. I didn't know where he had gone. All I knew is that Tyler started looking at me weird. 

I didn't like it. But I didn't say anything. That is until he grabbed me and tried ripping my bathing suit off. I screamed as loud as I could. But nobody came. I was fourteen so I knew exactly what was happening. Tyler was two years older than me. I knew it wasn't right. But he overpowered me. By a lot. I finally just went limp after a few minutes and when he was done he got out of the water and left me lying there on the grass.

Nobody came. I wound up having to walk home. When I got there I found out that Jason had left because Tyler had pissed him off. He thought that I was safe. He felt so guilty when I told him about it that he took his own life. Jason had always been my protector. He had always kept everybody else away when I went into one of my attacks. He kept the demons in my head away. But he couldn't keep me safe from his friend.

I didn't tell anybody else. Jason never told anybody. So Tyler's still out there. Still wandering around. I'll see him every once in a while and he still looks at me like he did that day. When I see him I turn and go in the opposite direction. Only once has he ever approached me. I screamed and took off. After that he kept his distance.

It was never enough to keep away the nightmares. To keep away the attacks. To hide in my own little world. I always had those memories. And there was no changing that...

***

When I hadn't said anything for a few minutes Isaac started talking. "You know, you don't have to do that," he said this gesturing to my arms. I pulled my sleeves down farther. "There are other ways to take care of stuff. If it's just from the attacks then there are other ways to relieve it. I got so much crap in school. Nobody ever left me alone. But I never tried anything. I'm going to guess that you have though. Is that why you missed school for a month? Because you tried something?"

I sat there staring out the window. We were pulling into the park. Nobody was here. Good. As soon as the car was stopped I jumped out and headed down the trail to the grass.