Alice's Adventure In Wonderland by Lewis Carroll (free ebooks romance novels .txt) 📖

said this, she came suddenly

upon an open place, with a little house in it about four feet high.

“Whoever lives there,” thought Alice, “it’ll never do to come upon them

_this_ size: why, I should frighten them out of their wits!” So she

began nibbling at the righthand bit again, and did not venture to go

near the house till she had brought herself down to nine inches high.

CHAPTER VI.

Pig and Pepper

For a minute or two she stood looking at the house, and wondering what

to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the

wood—(she considered him to be a footman because he was in livery:

otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a

fish)—and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by

another footman in livery, with a round face, and large eyes like a

frog; and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair that curled

all over their heads. She felt very curious to know what it was all

about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.

The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter,

nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other,

saying, in a solemn tone, “For the Duchess. An invitation from the

Queen to play croquet.” The Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn

tone, only changing the order of the words a little, “From the Queen.

An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.”

Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together.

Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the wood

for fear of their hearing her; and when she next peeped out the

Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the

door, staring stupidly up into the sky.

Alice went timidly up to the door, and knocked.

“There’s no sort of use in knocking,” said the Footman, “and that for

two reasons. First, because I’m on the same side of the door as you

are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one could

possibly hear you.” And certainly there _was_ a most extraordinary

noise going on within—a constant howling and sneezing, and every now

and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to

pieces.

“Please, then,” said Alice, “how am I to get in?”

“There might be some sense in your knocking,” the Footman went on

without attending to her, “if we had the door between us. For instance,

if you were _inside_, you might knock, and I could let you out, you

know.” He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and

this Alice thought decidedly uncivil. “But perhaps he can’t help it,”

she said to herself; “his eyes are so _very_ nearly at the top of his

head. But at any rate he might answer questions.—How am I to get in?”

she repeated, aloud.

“I shall sit here,” the Footman remarked, “till tomorrow—”

At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came

skimming out, straight at the Footman’s head: it just grazed his nose,

and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.

“—or next day, maybe,” the Footman continued in the same tone, exactly

as if nothing had happened.

“How am I to get in?” asked Alice again, in a louder tone.

“_Are_ you to get in at all?” said the Footman. “That’s the first

question, you know.”

It was, no doubt: only Alice did not like to be told so. “It’s really

dreadful,” she muttered to herself, “the way all the creatures argue.

It’s enough to drive one crazy!”

The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his

remark, with variations. “I shall sit here,” he said, “on and off, for

days and days.”

“But what am _I_ to do?” said Alice.

“Anything you like,” said the Footman, and began whistling.

“Oh, there’s no use in talking to him,” said Alice desperately: “he’s

perfectly idiotic!” And she opened the door and went in.

The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke from

one end to the other: the Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool

in the middle, nursing a baby; the cook was leaning over the fire,

stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.

“There’s certainly too much pepper in that soup!” Alice said to

herself, as well as she could for sneezing.

There was certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed

occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling

alternately without a moment’s pause. The only things in the kitchen

that did not sneeze, were the cook, and a large cat which was sitting

on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear.

“Please would you tell me,” said Alice, a little timidly, for she was

not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, “why

your cat grins like that?”

“It’s a Cheshire cat,” said the Duchess, “and that’s why. Pig!”

She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite

jumped; but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the

baby, and not to her, so she took courage, and went on again:—

“I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t

know that cats _could_ grin.”

“They all can,” said the Duchess; “and most of ’em do.”

“I don’t know of any that do,” Alice said very politely, feeling quite

pleased to have got into a conversation.

“You don’t know much,” said the Duchess; “and that’s a fact.”

Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it would

be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she

was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the

fire, and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at

the Duchess and the baby—the fire-irons came first; then followed a

shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of

them even when they hit her; and the baby was howling so much already,

that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not.

“Oh, _please_ mind what you’re doing!” cried Alice, jumping up and down

in an agony of terror. “Oh, there goes his _precious_ nose!” as an

unusually large saucepan flew close by it, and very nearly carried it

off.

“If everybody minded their own business,” the Duchess said in a hoarse

growl, “the world would go round a deal faster than it does.”

“Which would _not_ be an advantage,” said Alice, who felt very glad to

get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. “Just

think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the

earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis—”

“Talking of axes,” said the Duchess, “chop off her head!”

Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook, to see if she meant to take

the hint; but the cook was busily stirring the soup, and seemed not to

be listening, so she went on again: “Twenty-four hours, I _think_; or

is it twelve? I—”

“Oh, don’t bother _me_,” said the Duchess; “I never could abide

figures!” And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a

sort of lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake at

the end of every line:

“Speak roughly to your little boy,

And beat him when he sneezes:

He only does it to annoy,

Because he knows it teases.”

CHORUS.

(In which the cook and the baby joined):

“Wow! wow! wow!”

While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing

the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so,

that Alice could hardly hear the words:—

“I speak severely to my boy,

I beat him when he sneezes;

For he can thoroughly enjoy

The pepper when he pleases!”

CHORUS.

“Wow! wow! wow!”

“Here! you may nurse it a bit, if you like!” the Duchess said to Alice,

flinging the baby at her as she spoke. “I must go and get ready to play

croquet with the Queen,” and she hurried out of the room. The cook

threw a frying-pan after her as she went out, but it just missed her.

Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped

little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions,

“just like a star-fish,” thought Alice. The poor little thing was

snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept doubling

itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether, for

the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it.

As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, (which was to

twist it up into a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its right

ear and left foot, so as to prevent its undoing itself,) she carried it

out into the open air. “If I don’t take this child away with me,”

thought Alice, “they’re sure to kill it in a day or two: wouldn’t it be

murder to leave it behind?” She said the last words out loud, and the

little thing grunted in reply (it had left off sneezing by this time).

“Don’t grunt,” said Alice; “that’s not at all a proper way of

expressing yourself.”

The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face

to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that it had

a _very_ turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose; also

its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby: altogether Alice did

not like the look of the thing at all. “But perhaps it was only

sobbing,” she thought, and looked into its eyes again, to see if there

were any tears.

No, there were no tears. “If you’re going to turn into a pig, my dear,”

said Alice, seriously, “I’ll have nothing more to do with you. Mind

now!” The poor little thing sobbed again (or grunted, it was impossible

to say which), and they went on for some while in silence.

Alice was just beginning to think to herself, “Now, what am I to do

with this creature when I get it home?” when it grunted again, so

violently, that she looked down into its face in some alarm. This time

there could be _no_ mistake about it: it was neither more nor less than

a pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it

further.

So she set the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see it

trot away quietly into the wood. “If it had grown up,” she said to

herself, “it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it makes

rather a handsome pig, I think.” And she began thinking over other

children she knew, who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying

to herself, “if one only knew the right way to change them—” when she

was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of

a tree a few yards off.

The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she

thought: still it had _very_ long claws and a great many teeth, so she

felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

“Cheshire Puss,” she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know

whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little

wider. “Come, it’s pleased so far,” thought Alice, and she went on.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where—” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

“—so long as I get _somewhere_,” Alice added as an explanation.

“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long

enough.”

Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another

question. “What sort of people live about here?”

“In _that_ direction,” the Cat said, waving its right paw round, “lives

a Hatter: and in _that_ direction,” waving the other paw, “lives a

March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re both mad.”

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.

“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad.

You’re mad.”

“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.

“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Alice didn’t think that proved it at all; however, she went on “And how

do you know that you’re mad?”

“To begin with,” said the Cat, “a dog’s not mad. You grant that?”

“I suppose so,” said Alice.

“Well, then,” the Cat went on, “you see, a dog growls when it’s angry,

and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now _I_ growl when I’m pleased,

and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.”

“_I_ call it purring, not growling,” said Alice.

“Call it what you like,” said the Cat. “Do you play croquet with the

Queen to-day?”

“I should like it very much,” said Alice, “but I haven’t been invited

yet.”

“You’ll see me there,” said the Cat, and vanished.

Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so used to queer

things happening. While she