Thin by Huian La (howl and other poems txt) 📖

Dying to be thin

 

Dying to be thin,

Needing to be perfect

Eyes that lie

A body too weak

 

You stand still before the mirror

Seeing one thing

Seeing what was never there

Pinch the fat, that nonexistent skin

Suck in your stomach

To make yourself feel thin

 

Thin, Thinner, Thinnest as can be

Fat, fatty, fattiest

Will never do

 

Force your body to work its hardest

To shed away the fat only you can see

Pushes up and sits ups

Over and over till you collapse

Only to get up again

To start again

 

Weak hearted girl

Your shriveled lungs will surely fail

If you keep throwing your food away

And playing with your life

 

Thin, thinner, thinnest is the best

For girls such as you

Dying to be thin

Reaching for that goal

Of a size 0

And fading completely away 

 

Gross

"She looks so gross,"

Those words are cutting

Whispered and true

And killing me softly

I hold my head down

Not wanting to see their eyes

I knew what they would say

I knew they would laugh

 

"Why did they let her out the house?"

They asked, and I wanted to answer

My mother doesn't like me

My father is never around

I don't like being in a house

Where there's food to taunt me

 

My stomach clenches tightly

And I want to get sick.

I suck in my stomach

I suck in the fat

Inside I knew I was just as gross

 

Neither pink and shiny

But black and white

I feel so dirty

I just want to hide

But I keep on walking

Even when inside I died

 

"She looks so thin..."

That was a lie

"She looks so sick..."

That's because I pucked this morning

"She isn't normal...."

I know

 

The bathroom is  closer now

A few more steps and I can let loose the guilt

I'd ate this morning,

a piece of toast

My body said yes

My mind screamed no

 

Their words are still there, following me as I go

Kara the fat girl

Kara the weird

Gross

Gross

Gross Kara

I want to cover my ears

I just want to die

 

I step into the bathroom and go for the stall

The toilet is my savior

My fingers my redemption

Down they go

Index first

Middle next

They poke and prob, and push deeper within

My stomach coils, tightens and burns

It's ready to blow

I'm almost free

 

The acid ripes at my throat as it moves up up and falls from my mouth

I heave and puck

until there's nothing left

I almost feel better

So I do it again

Again

Again 

Again and again

until there's nothing for my body to consume

until I feel ready to fly

 

I almost feel like crying

I've done good today

I've made myself less gross

I wish I was Pretty

 

I wish I was pretty

Like the girls from my homeroom

I want their confidence

I want their thinness

Sigh Sigh

What jealously I feel

Whenever I look

At their long thin legs

I pinch my own thigh and whimper in distress

That fat there is meaty

Why couldn't I be thin?

 

I wish I was pretty,

like the girls in my homeroom

with their long limbs and tiny waist

They get all the guys

I pull at my stomach

I suck in the fat

The boys in class don't even know I exist

They only see a desk and chair

They'll never see me

 

I wish I was pretty

Maybe then I could finally stop feeling so worthless

 

Mirror Mirror

 

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Who's the fattest of them all?

She's standing so still

A chunky big doll

With sunken in cheeks

And pitiful eyes

 

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Why do you think, fats girl cry?

They pinch they pull they try so hard

To make themselves thin

To get rid of the fat

 

Exercise exercise until you break down

Till your bones turn to dust

Till your lungs give out

Stand up straighter and start anew

Keep on working till there's nothing left

 

 

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Why did God make me like this?

Can you tell me at least...

Tick Tock

 

I don't want to go back to class

I don't want to see those people

They judged

They pointed

They laughed like I wasn't there

 

The bathroom is a comforting place

It's a safe place

I could live here

Inside the stall 

Just me, my savior, and my redemption

But they would come looking for me soon

They always did

 

I look at the mirror and almost cry again

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Why was I made to look like this?

I wanted to ask, but my throat hurts

It's torn apart and scratchy from all the acid

 

I stare at the fat girl

At stare at myself 

Disgusted with how I looked

I give her a smile

Flip her off and leave before she could devour me

 

Fear is crawling through my skin

Whispering vicious words

Telling me what I already knew

I try to block it

To pretend it doesn't hurt

But it does, it hurts and I want to disappear

 

Mr. Math Teacher is teach teach teaching like nothing is wrong

He didn't see them pointing when I walked in

Didn't hear them laughing like I did

I shrink closer to the floor

Wishing it would just open up and swallow me whole

 

Tick 

Tock

Tick 

Tock

 

The clock is killing me

Once, twice, and three times I looked at it

Ten minutes and I go home

I rub my stomach,

feeling the fat,

and hearing it growl

Hungry

I was always so hungry

And I never knew why

 

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Tic....

 

Please Mr. Time why don't you stop already?

Stop and give me a minute to swallow the pain

 

Tick 

Tock

Tick 

Tock

 

People are leaving now

Is it already time to go?

I didn't realize

I look at the clock

My stomach tightens

 

Time to go home

Home Sweet Home

 

Aha, how good it is to be home

To step through the door

And feel that first blow

 

My jaw aches, it feels almost broken

I turn to face her, eyes wide in terror

She looks so angry

So bitter with life 

With me

 

The blow comes again

It throws me to the floor

Blood splatters in my mouth

The pain comes next

I don't try to get up

Maybe

Maybe if I play dead she'll go away

 

She heaves an angry growl and reaches out

I flinch away

Oops my mistakes

I shouldn't have done that

 

Mummy what did I do

to make you so bitter

to hit me repeatedly

to tear me apart?

 

Is it because I'm not like you

Thin and beautiful

Is it because Daddy is never home

 

The third blow is the charm

She's breathing hard

Crying like she'd taken the beating instead

"How could you," she says in a tiny voice

"How could you leave me for her David?"

 

Aha, so she thought I was Daddy

I should have guessed

She was drunk

So I couldn't blame her

 

I don't move, don't breath

My face hurts, 

The blood won't stop

My lungs are on fire

I wish she'd just go away

I wish she'd stop staring at me with those eyes

 

Cover Scheme

 

The pain is still there

A ghostly reminder on my face

It sings and burns

It makes me cry

I test my jaw

Test it and test it

To make sure she didn't break it

 

 The girl in the mirror looks so pitiful

Her fat cheeks pink and shiny

Dusted with blue, black, and purple bruises

 

I almost feel bad for her

She looks too sad

If only she was thinner

Then I would cry for her 

 

I watch as her hands take out the tools

Her cover up scheme is about to begin

Concealer and powder

To make it look real

To make the bruises go away

To make everything look okay

 

I almost feel bad for her

She's crying real hard

She's really in pain

But

She's too fat to care about

 

Dinner