"A Nobody Into Somebody." by Keryn Fitzpatrick (intellectual books to read TXT) 📖

Before high school I thought highly of people no matter what they did. For my brain had yet bloomed into the real world yet and still lived in fantasy, where the only way someone was mean to you is if the stole your cookie at snack time. Everyone did the right thing, everyone was in the same group, and everyone was equal in my eyes. Things were happier back then, but the seasons changed and as did my world as it bloomed before me. Stepping off the last petals of my perfect world and onto the hard floors of high school, a black sheet over my head quickly pulled off to show the world at a new perspective, as if I were a bunny under a magician’s hat and quickly revealed to the audience as fast as you can say tada.
When I first set foot in high school it was new to me. I thought I knew what it would be like from all the movies I had seen but then again things in movies are too good to be true. With surrounds and even new people my head turned into a busy street in New York. Even if I didn’t know it yet I had a new name for myself as soon as a pair of eyes saw me. I was thrown on a conveyor belt with the others and went through a process of stamping a label on our heads. Jock, prep, nerd, you name it was stamped on and then came me with a big old red stamped letters on my head, outcast. It burned into my forehead and left a scar not on my head but on my heart. I felt hurt, it wasn’t like this before, everyone was together and now everyone was broken apart on different groups. Even my childhood friends went in different directions not even giving a glance back towards me. This can’t be right, this must be a mistake. But here it was right in front of me, it hid in their eyes that quickly stained mine. I looked at myself as if to believe them. I was a nobody, an outcast. That thought had me in its grasp, gripping tighter and tighter with each day. I felt like the two ways to gain breath was to consume this thought and think of it to be true. The second was to keep my mouth shut, to hold my breath as long as I could. Only a whisper would escape my lips, to gasp for air and that was my voice. But it wasn’t the thought that crushed me to do this, but only those around me had pinned me into the corner and shoot words that acted like fire. The only way out was to swallow this fire .I would secretly stare at them and ask why. They would never answer my question and stroll off with no care in the world of how it slowly ate at me inside.
I started to slowly slip into the mist. Everyday I ventured the hallways as a ghost. I felt invisible among them. I could make as many silly faces as I wanted and nobody even blink. I was a bright color splatter among a dark painting. Only visible if I accidentally bumped into someone, knocking them out of the 'perfect' world. They would always give the stare that made you want to turn into ice on the spot, or a mumble of words would slip through their teeth. I blocked it out from my ears as if I was struck deaf. I would find the strength to move on without a problem. I walked away as if nothing had happen, but I guess you could say I walked away with a rain cloud over my head and forgot my umbrella.
Everything wasn’t that bad though, I did have some good friends. Sure we may share a different label on our heads but we came together because of our differences. They always seemed happy and I felt free enough to smile. They would say things that would make me laugh and I said things that made the laugh until they cried. It was that that made me warm at the heart and stopped it hurts for at least awhile but surprise, surprise. I had to part from them when the bell rings. As I would walk away, I took comfort in knowing I would soon see them again. I would describe it as a war. I would fight through the day and then recover with my friends. Thought they were good friends, I couldn't call any of them my best friends. I felt like I couldn't share my problems with them even if I drew a picture for the, they wouldn't understand. We were only friends among the morning and at lunch. In the halls they would give a little wave and move on. Deep inside I was still alone.
As the puppet show went on through the years, I slowly made a list in my head as to why people treat me this way. The list seemed to get longer each day. I was thinking of an answer to an impossible question. Slowly it popped out of my thoughts and I gave up. I gave up talking at school also. Earlier I would try to speak but always was swat down and crushed. I now just keep quiet in class unless I was spoken to. I thought it would have a positive view on the teachers. They didn't have to worry about getting this kid to shut up in class. But even teachers pondered as of why I was so quiet. The answer screamed in my head “Because why bother talking if no one will listen?” but I would shrug and say “That's just me.” Which was the truth in a way. I would continue my dance with silence until a day that seemed to have me slap myself in the face and said “wake up.”
I can't remember when it was but it must have been cold because my toes were numb from being outside. The day had started on its usual schedule and I was now in a hard set, having a starring contest with my desk. I knew it was pointless but it would pass time. Then I heard my name echo through my head and my eyes snapped to attention. My teacher stared me in the face with a crooked brow. Uh oh, what is the answer look. I felt my dry lips break apart and asked for it to be repeated. There were whispers around me but I could hear them as if they were talking me straight in the face. It was repeated and I was asked my opinion on it. From my silence of thinking someone thought of this as a golden opportunity. “No one cares what she thinks.” I felt my heart sink in my chest as my throat quickly dried. I dared myself to turn my head towards the voice where the stare quickly met me. “We all think she's a loser anyway.” Suddenly my world stopped and the words from that sentence were right in front of me. 'We all think' rolled over my tongue and my head cleared. That was it! The answer! Nothing was wrong with me, I didn't have to believe them, it was all a lie. A smile broke across my face as I hugged onto the thought. The only thing that I should believe in myself and not what others think about me. I know what I am and they don't. They didn't take the time to know what I was like, who I was, nothing. They don't know me. Only I know the true me.
Strength filled me at that moment and I smiled even bigger. Everyone saw this and their expressions changed on theirs faces. Just then the bell rings and I wondered out into the hallway. I felt like skipping with this new happiness that filled me but I found myself in the corner again. There they stood arms crossed and steam seemed to come from the nostrils. I stared this dragon in the face, ready for the fire to scorch me as it had did in the past. Fear started to creep into my skin but the warmth fought it back as they said “What are you smiling about?” I stood there feeling warm and happy for the first time in high school, I feared that it would disappear and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I thought of my answer and clearly spoke “Why should I tell you? You don't care. I can waste my breath on you or spend it to keep on living.” Slowly this dragon weakened before me, now knowing it had no power against me. I walked away stunned myself. I had my goody two shoes on but did I just say that? I couldn’t believe it. I had just stood up for myself and it felt great. Everything changed from that day on. I didn’t have to give into those people anymore. I was my own person and even if the did judge me I wouldn’t care because I would always know that their opinion wouldn’t make me happy, but my own would.
Some may say this paper is depressing. Well good, because during that time in my life it was. Things have gotten better since that time but I still hold my silence and hid from others. It’s just me, I can’t change that. Even though it still continues, I know how to deal with it now. I now don’t view this event in a negative way but in a positive way. My life has made a u-turn for the better. Some will pass judgment upon this paper and don’t understand. I don’t expect you to if you went through what I did. I only write this paper for me and others who are like me. If this is the only way of getting my story heard then so be it. If my voice won’t be heard then maybe my words will be read. I know there are people out there just like me that are going through the same thing.
I take this in mind and aim towards a goal to help as many of those people as I can. I take in friends with a welcome embrace that have been pushed away for their looks or just how they act. I never judge them for those reasons. I find this a step towards my goal and as a reward I gain friendship. I’m glad this has happened. Even if they didn’t mean it that way they did, they change my life. I have to tip my hat to them even if they caused me pain previously but it is easily forgotten. It just takes one person to change someone’s life forever. In my future I plan to help those in need, those just like me. Then maybe one day I’ll become a person who has changed someone’s life forever