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Randy: Oh. I am.
Chana: How do you know it’s true that you can bear the ride?
Randy: Sometimes I bring a book on the bus and read it during the ride. I can get so caught up in the story; I forget I’m even on the bus!
Chana: What else?
Randy: I could get off the bus if I want to, but I choose to stay on.
Chana: And…
Randy: And I’m still alive when I get off.
Let’s highlight other ways Randy has gotten Caught Up in Dramatics so she can further understand her language patterns:
Chana: Keep your eyes closed and watch yourself sitting on the bus. Notice what happens to you when you believe it’s like an oven, and you’re packed like sardines.
Randy: Uch. Right away I cringe. I feel trapped. Like I can’t breathe.
Chana: Is it true that the bus is like an oven?
Randy: Sure!
Chana: I hear you believe it’s like an oven. But is it actually true?
Randy: It’s hot but… No. Not really like an oven.
Chana: Why do you describe it that way?
Randy: Um. I don’t know.
Chana: How does it serve you to describe the bus as being like an oven?
Randy: I feel kind of a rush. I feel powerful somehow.
Chana: This rush… does it feel peaceful?
Randy: No. It’s quite stressful. Anxious. Oh!
Chana: Why did you say, “Oh?”
Randy: I just realized… a lot of the time when I feel anxious, it’s exactly like this.
Chana: Exactly like what?
Randy: This same rush. This same stress.
Chana: What would you prefer?
Randy: To feel relaxed. To go with the flow more.
Chana: And how could you do that?
Randy: It’s like with the bus. I’m already on it anyhow, so I might as well accept that I’m not getting off. I don’t have to make it such a drama. I don’t have to fight it so much.
Chana: What could you do if you weren’t fighting it?
Randy: I’d have space to think. Maybe even to use the commute time to look for a job I like more.
Chana: You’d like to leave your job.
Randy: Yeah. I mean, I think so. But now I wonder if I’m maybe just blowing the things I don’t like out of proportion. Can we look at that next?
Chana: Sure. You said you hate your job. Is that still true?
Randy: I think so.
Chana: Why?
Randy: Well, first off, the hours are horrific. I have to wake up ridiculously early every morning to get there on time.
Randy’s back to her superlatives. Let’s show this drama queen her day-to-day isn’t Shakespeare:
Chana: The hours are horrific, is it true?
Randy: Yes.
Chana: How do you react when you believe that?
Randy: Tight. And… that same rush again.
Chana: Who would you be, standing at the counter without the thought that the hours are horrific?
Randy: I’d just be serving people. Same as before… only different. I’d be more present. I think I’d notice people more. Gosh.
Chana: Gosh?
Randy: Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever really paid attention to any of my customers. I was too busy hating my job.
Chana: How do you feel?
Randy: All funny inside. I think part of why I hated my job was because I felt so lonely. But that’s because I never connected with anyone. It’s hard to do that when you’re pissed off.
Chana: Then is it the hours or your story about them that makes you lonely?
Randy: My story. For sure.
Chana: Let’s try and turn it around. What’s the opposite of “your hours are horrific?”
Randy: My hours are not horrific.
Chana: How is that true?
Randy: I get to work when it’s daylight. So I don’t have to mess up my body clock or anything.
Chana: What else?
Randy: Okay. This one is kind of embarrassing. Don’t laugh, okay?
Chana: Alright.
Randy: I don’t have to commute during rush hour, so my bus ride is actually shorter.
Chana: Good to notice. Any other reason your hours aren’t horrific?
Randy: Horrific is a strong word and belongs in a scary movie. There’s really nothing horrifying about working 7-3. It’s actually pretty dull and predictable.
Chana: How does it feel to have dull and predictable hours?
Randy: No rush.
Chana: Less exciting?
Randy: Yes. But also more relaxing. I’d rather reserve excitement for the movies.
Extreme words and metaphors can make life feel thrilling and give us an adrenaline rush, but they can also block our ability to be present, see clearly, and think calmly. During our dialogues, Randy learned to pay more attention to her word choices and their effects on her physiological and emotional experience. She gained clarity on what she enjoyed or disliked about her job and, from a centered place, decided to look elsewhere for employment.
People who are Caught Up in Dramatics learn from seeing the effect their language has on their story of reality and their subsequent reaction to it. It’s important to identify these language traps so you can more consciously choose how you narrate the story of your life.
Looking closely at the links we’ve made between concepts and questioning the validity of those connections.
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
—Buddha
Do you remember Wendy from The Survey? She believed that “skinny people are shallow,” which held her back from losing weight. Wendy was caught in a Bind, a situation in which no matter what she chose to do, she’d lose. If she met her weight goals, she’d have to suffer from being shallow and having little respect for herself. On the other hand, staying deep meant having to be obese and a pre-diabetic. Because both of these options were painful, it was easier to stay with the status quo. It was easier to continue the habits she had in place than attempt to climb the hurdle created by her fear of shallowness.
Greg came to my husband, Dave, and myself asking for business advice. He wanted to make more money but kept finding himself making less than he needed to live. Dave and I have learned over the years that someone’s Financial Blueprint is a crucial indicator of their eventual financial and business success. The narratives we tell about ourselves, other people, and the world make up our Blueprint. Just as an architect’s blueprint sets the parameters for what will become a building, our mental Blueprint defines the parameters of our lives. If, for example, our Blueprint includes the belief that the world is an unsafe place, we’ll be less adventurous, trusting, and calm. If we believe that money never comes our way, studies have shown that we’ll walk right past cash left on the sidewalk, not to mention other financial opportunities. We’ll thus have less money in our pocket at the end of the day.
To assess Greg’s Financial Blueprint, we asked him to fill out the Millionaire Mind Survey developed by T. Harv Eker, which presents an exhaustive list of limiting beliefs around money and success. The statement on which he scored the highest was, “Rich people are evil.” Right away we knew Greg was caught in a Bind of lose-lose. He either got to be good and poor or evil and wealthy. Neither of those options felt appealing. Greg didn’t want to be a loser in the money game any longer, so we used Inquiry to question his thinking.
Chana: Can you absolutely know that rich people are evil?
Greg: Yeah. Just look at what’s-his-face, that big stock market guy. He made off with so many people’s money and got rich off little old ladies’ pensions.
Chana: How do you react when you believe that rich people are evil?
Greg: I get frustrated. I boil up and want to punch somebody.
Chana: How do you feel in your body?
Greg: Tight. Everything is tight. And hot.
Chana: What are you unable to do when you believe rich people are evil?
Greg: I can’t be in the present moment. I’m just thinking about rich people I’ve heard of screwing people over. My head becomes a newsreel.
Chana: Now close your eyes and imagine you’re at your desk working on your business. You’re talking to a customer and are focused on his needs. Greg: Okay. I can see that.
Chana: Now watch what happens when the belief that rich people are evil pops in.
Greg: I feel limp. Tired. I don’t want to write the email. I’ll just push it off ’til tomorrow…
Chana: So why do you believe this thought that makes you limp?
Greg: Hmm… that’s a good question. I don’t want to be evil, but in that moment I’m not so nice. The customer is asking for help, and I’m blowing him off. That’s not the kind of high consciousness behavior I’m hoping to engage in.
Chana: It sounds like you believe this thought will protect you from being an evil person.
Greg: I thought it would. But… Ouch.
Chana: Why did you say that?
Greg: I just pictured myself all lazy and limp and at the same time tight and angry. I don’t think I’ve ever been a good person when I’m feeling like that. If anything, I become selfish and arrogant.
Chana: What do you want to do?
Greg: I’d like to think about this differently. I don’t want to be angry.
Chana: What would be a different way?
Greg: I guess I could question whether rich people are evil.
Chana: What would be an alternative?
Greg: Rich people are good.
Chana: How is that true?
Greg: I don’t know. I’m stuck.
Greg has built a robust neural pathway between two human qualities: Wealthy and Evil. Like all qualities, these two exist in different people in differing degrees. Some people are criminals with no wealth. Some use deceptive tactics to embezzle money. Others are swimming in cash and are great philanthropists and leaders. There are also, of course, homeless people who help others with the little they have. If you flip through your mental rolodex you’ll find examples of all of these. I’m going to invite Greg to do the same.
Chana: Do you know any wealthy people personally?
Greg: Yes. Rick and Tommy.
Chana: Are they evil?
Greg: (laughs)
Chana: Why’d you laugh?
Greg: I know these guys. They’ve been my neighbors for years, yet somehow, in my head, I had to block them out in order to believe that rich people are evil.
Chana: Why is that?
Greg: Because they are the most generous guys I know. They’re constantly giving to charity and offering their time to help others.
Chana: Can you give me another reason why rich people are good?
Greg: Yeah, actually. Rick is like a few people in town who’s successful because of his business. He’s gotten rich from it, but other people have benefitted too. Like Harry. He’s been employed by Rick’s laundry business for years and isn’t just able to put food on the table, he’s saving for retirement. Harry loves his job.
Chana: What’s one more reason?
Greg: An image of Bill Gates just flashed through my head. I used to hate his guts because he was all high and mighty taking over the world with Microsoft, but then I saw his TED talk. He’s dedicating billions of dollars and most of his time to curing malaria and educating people. That’s pretty good.
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